I open my thread today and think to myself.....How lucky am I? How lucky that I have total strangers care so much and offer such strong words of wisdom.
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Yes 2Step...
You have been learning DB for months now. You give great advice to others here, including me. But... you have had it relatively easy until now with your own sitch...
Now is the time to walk the walk man...
BITS Denver
Give up? Not my style. Not my style at all. I will continue on my quest but my focus has shifted. I realize the convo was actually good for me, it allowed me to be one step closer to detachment. This is a constant thing for all of us there is not one thing that allows you to detach it is a mountain of little things.
Originally Posted By: MichelleLT
Yes yes and yes!
And YAY that she is angry!!!!!!! She absolutely has to go through this phase for anything to progress! When you start hearing the "it's too late" and "why didn't you change before" and "I can never go back to that" and all the anger comes out it means they are doing some heavy processing! That they see the changes you have made and have doubts about whether they have done the right thing. So they remind themselves of how bad it was, how they can never go back to that, the WAS cultivates that anger as a defense!
Remember IGNORE ALL OF WHAT THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO!
It doesn't feel like it, but you are at a place of great potential.
Don't do anything rash. Be patient. And don't give up yet. She's not done, and you shouldn't be either.
She is going through her phase I am sure she will be battling these emotions for a long time to come. That's ok. The only difference is I will not participate any longer. This will be her feelings to deal with. She hates her job? Sorry. She hates her life? Sorry. None of these things are my problem any longer. I have my own BS to deal with. She wants to buy a 79 Cordova? Awesome! Enjoy the ride. As for "potential" that is good to hear, I will continue to move forward and if it happens it happens. Can't worry about her any longer. In doing so I am making myself miserable and I continue to slip. I have to LET GO of expectations, which is easy to do because no one is going to tell me that they don't come here with the expectations of saving their M. We ALL come here for that.
I will be here standing for my M until I am no longer. I will know when that this. Only difference now is that after taking a few days to think it over I realize i don't need my W in my life any longer. She wants to move on, happy trails. She wants to come back, I am here to WORK on our M. It's about me.
Originally Posted By: ironMan
2step, I know exactly where you are. I feel much the same. Yes, my geographical constraints are much different than yours ... but we share a lot right now, brother.
And, while we have been talking .... the thing you have probably struggled the most with is real detachment. Well, you are there or nearly there. But, I suspect you'll struggle again with it from time to time. And, I think I can help you with that. If it doesn't help, throw it out .... but it helps me.
So, I'm going to walk you thru an exercise that I do ... I got this from a book that you and I discussed in the past.
The idea is ... the world is an abundant place .... your W isn't the key to your happiness or your daughter's. Both of you will be good ... with or without W. What if feels like to be a LBS, is that you had the foundation of your life pulled from you by somebody you like and you want them to come back so you feel fine. But, they were never our foundation. Maybe we used them as a crutch, but they are not necessary for us (nor for our daughters).
What I'm telling you, is that the WORLD is FULL of the things we want. Your daughter (or mine) cannot know this. They are too young. But, WE can learn this. What this means is ... the love, affection, family happiness, sex, being desired by somebody we desire (or, for daughters, having a family environment with a woman that they can look up to who is with their daddy) .... all of this is readily available. It IS, no . it really is.
When our Ws pulled the rug out on us .... the world started to feel like it was closing in. That the key to our future happiness and our daughter's well being etc. was F-ing EVERYTHING up. So, the exercise, is to visualize this world of abundance. To remember, that everything we desire is within our grasp. If nothing else, our Ws brought about the changes in our lives that forced us to realize this. And we should thank them for that.
So, close your eyes. Imagine that the world is a place of abundance. The love, happiness, the woman to help raise your D .. your happiness, your daughter's happiness .... it's all out there. The world isn't closing in, it's not taking things from you. You and your D are going to have a great life. Your W has to figure out what her path to a good life is for her. She's lost though. Its ok. You don't need her. Hopefully she decides to come back to your path, but it isn't necessary. You are not going to be fine ... you are going to be great. All you have to do, is choose great.
IronMan: WOW. Just simply WOW. These are such great points. You of course are completely right. This is now my focus.
