H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Update ......and needing input!

I started the day calmly, and H decided to go see the tax guy at around lnchtime, telling me to get dressed as well as I may have to follow for signatures. Long story short, we waited for him, did not prepare lunch as we were ready to go out. I asked him what we were doing for lunch and he said lets talk later. D got hungry, ate junk, then I learned he already ate and never told us! This really got me upset. In our household it is sort of understood that H takes care of food, especially as he has always not wanted me to be in the kitchen, he is territorial about it, doesn't even want me to handle his cookware.

This incident led to a long R talk.

I feel that more and more, this mess is getting deeper, and I no longer know what to do next.

This I knew, and again, it was talked about : H is miserable, says he wants his freedom, says it has nothing to do with OW. He is depressed, in pain, can't even talk to me, look at me. He is eaten up with guilt, he knows he is hurting me and D, and he wishes he could just die.

BUT: he has been miserable he says especially the last 4 months since OW cut him off, although they have been talking lately, with him helping OW with her research projects (remember my dream about OW just using him? I have a feeling after what he said that this is probably true).

He tells me he knows the relationship with OW won't prosper, but he needs to find out for himself. He knows it doesn't make sense but that is how he feels. He says that since our talk last December , where I made him choose between our family and OW, has made him miserable because he is stuck.

Again, he questioned why I can't just let him be free while we are still together. Let him see OW, lift the boundaries I gave him. It would make him less miserable, we would still be his priority since we are his family. Really now.

My resonses to all that:

I let him know that I was in pain too, and that many times I have wanted to give up as wel, even also wished myself dead, just like him. It would be the easy path. But not one that I believe in. We both know it is not the right time, he has acknowledged this as well, it will just all make us spiral down into deeper depression, destroy all that we are. Not only financially, but career wise, and also D12's psychological state.

We already had a discussion about this. I told him I was on the path to acceptance, that I did not want to see him suffering, and we had decided that the best way was for him to support me as I tried to work on my license so that I could have a meaningful existence, without the hassles of my present job and the need to travel a lot.

In the meantime, while working this all out, I want to be a good parent, I have looked to all the external resources available, have gone to therapy, talked to people who can help me ease my pain so I can function. I feel I have done a pretty good job of it.

He tells me that D12 is his priority as well. He would have gone long ago if not for her, if not for him still wanting to keep the family together, if not for his sense of responsibility as a father. But he is also thinking that with him being so depressed, he is dysfunctional, and bringing more stress to us that help, and maybe it would be better if he just left, but this concept of leaving seems unclear still to him - separation? Legal? Divorce? He keeps on saying though that he wants us to be friends, to be not bitter about it, to be able to be together for special occasions. But in the end, we could not really figure out the best thing, we would get emotional about just chucking it all to the winds, no final decisions were made, I am not going to make that decision for him,and neither does he seem to want to make it, and so I guess we are still status quo.

But I pointed out that he is not doing anything to help alleviate the depression he is feeling which makes life really difficult for us! I asked him then if he would please consider going to MC, or retrouvaille, anything! I pointed out that both me and D12 have already been seeking outside help to be able to cope. And that it does make us feel better. I talked to him about us taking a team approach to make this a better time, to plan what we want to make it easier for D12, to think back to what we wanted her to experience in life, as a precious daughter of loving parents.

A few things I said which I should not, I guess, is to point out that even if he leaves, it does not mean to say that me and D12 won't be miserable. And I talked aboutthe effect that divorce has on the children, because it hurts me that he minimizes it, especially as he should know better, being a doctor himself.

He seems to be afraid that all of this efforts are to make us reconcile. He keeps on asking me if this is so we could get back together again.

I told him that the way I view it, it is to find out if we could make it work. If we can't then at least we know we have tried. Also, it is to make us learn how to handle this next few years, so we could work on being friends before we separate, if we will.

I am not certain why he is so afraid that it might work out again. Because he did say that he prayed a lot before that things would work out OK, he prayed that God would give him feelings for me, but it did not happen. So he feels something for someone else, is not even positive that there will be something that will come out of that, and yet he is afraid to work on our marriage?

Anyway, he did finally agree to try Retrouvaille, and even MC as well. He tried to make a condition for me though - that he would come if I promise not to be bitter if we separate later, but I told him I could not make any promises at this point, and that for me, one of the reasons for doing all of this is to work on not being bitter.

so for NOW:

I think I am more confused than ever. I truly do not know which way to go. I cannot live this way but do not want it to come from me. I think it is the same with him. We are both so miserable.

I cannot even think of how DB fits in. I am still trying to do my 180's, GAL, but what I did over the weekend i know is pursuing and guilting.

Does anyone think going to Retrouvaille, and MC, will be of help for us at this point? We are so stuck.