well folks after a perfect DB'ing day I slipped and did the UNTHINKABLE. We were paying bills and said what a waste of money it is to be paying a mortage and rent. He agreed and said he would move out this week.
Now what?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
1. How would you personally handle a child who is throwing a tantrum?
2. What would be the words or actions you might use to show the child a better way of getting what he or she is seeking?
Are you talking about a child or your H behavinglike a child?
Have you ever seen these parents who whine, beg, bargain, plead, bribe and when none of that works...they start with the threats! Here's the thing about that kid......he/she knows those parents and he/she is not worried one bit b/c if he/she holds out long enough he/she will wear the parents down. Once again, the power struggle winner is the bratty kid!
If you stop to think about this....Walk away spouses act very much like the bratty kid. The LBS acts like the parent who has no parenting skills.
The WAS has to experience unpleasant results from bad decisions and/or bad behavior (especially when directed toward LBS).
[b]He must not be rewarded for throwing a tantrum[/b]. He must get his way by acting out.
I think one the best things to say to an adult is to look straight into their face and say, "Do you have any idea how unattractive you are when you act (or talk) this way?" Then you turn and walk away. Do not wait for him to respond and if he starts to sling and sputter words....you just keep on walking and going about your business as if he were no where around. You have just told him that he's unattractive behaving like that...so don't reward him by giving him your time & attention. Don't respond when he's acting out.
When he is behaving appropriately as a H, a father, and a human being..then he will see his W "responding" to him in a warm, cherry, sweet manner and who is happy to do things for him and with him. That is how he learns. Unlike a child, he probably won't learn audibly from you....it will be more of "on the job training"! And even when it is hands-on teaching, if they are fogged out of their minds...they seem to struggle leaning the concepts.
However, I do believe that consequences are great teachers. That is why He needs to experience negative affects from his bad decisions. If you try to fix what he has broken, why expect him to do differently in the future? If you rescue him from his own messes, he will continue the same old patterns. Anytime you enable his bad behavior, and he doesn't have to suffer "anything" as a result of his own doings....he will not change for the better.
WAS's will not stop their bad treatment of the LBS until they suffer some type of loss. (Read that once again.) When they realize that they do not enjoy themselves and, in fact, are quite miserable due to their own choices...they start to finally get the picture that they need to treat the LBS better. I think that is true in most every R there is, don't you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So confused. Yesterday was just a normal day. I knew H was going to work late, so I had no excuse to contact him. Actually I was relived that I had some space in the house.
Anyway, he sent me a text saying he was starving. This went back and forth a few times. He teased and said he had prime rib and crab legs for lunch. I responded: I hate you He wrote: I am sure you do
Here is the kicker. I waited and reflected and then responded: "It was a kidding. I do not hate you. I am angry with you. I wouldn't give another person so much power over me to hate them"
Was this a mistake? He came shortly afterthat and was nice as could be.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
IMO, giving him power with the I hate you was. Telling him he has less power was not a mistake. Now show him he has less power. Actions speak louder than words.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
He knew I was kidding (obviously) I have a nagging feeling that he is moving today while I am at work. BUT now he knows that I am angry with him, I said it. How far back did that put me?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Your right, he knows you don't hate him. I would come up with a plan just in case you come home and find that he has moved out. Figure out now how you are going to react, then make sure you are rewarding in the right way
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
He wrote: I am sure you do