The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Had a great weekend. Well mostly. I do have a teenage daughter after all. I can see, after going through similar with my stbx that this is something my daughter needs to do. I notice that she is great and nice and polite with others but venemous towards me. I joked with a friend that I could say the exact same thing as the stranger next to me and that person would be hailed as a genius while I am given venemous and evil glances.
I'm ok with that. Really. While it is NOT any fun, I see it as a normal thing for her growth. It doesn't feel wrong if that makes sense?
I was so worried for so long about how the kids were acting that this is something I see with mixed emotions. While I miss my little girl and refuse to be treated poorly, I am glad that she is struggling for her independence. And trusts me enough to do that. That sounds bad, but I know that she would have a harder time if she didn't trust me. I still remember the conversation we had about her and if I would love her no matter what she did or became. I follow the french backing method here: great bread like great children, need a strong foundation to grow properly. I will do that for her
I didn't spend much time thinking about the past this weekend. I did realize however that I am coming to terms with some of the things holding me back. For example, I feel robbed of my children's teen years and being able to be a solid parental front during that time. As I mentioned before, I think that plays back into my not being sure I'm done wanting children. I need to put the two to rest and I can feel myself working on those issues. Almost there
I also realized that I am very much working to forgive myself and my inability to save my marriage alone. There is nothing I could have done differently. I know that. It seems I just haven't accepted all of that yet. Identification is the first step, right?
Otherwise, things are good. Still have to get the sep agreement and house squared away, but it's moving along. Slower than I'd like of course.
It is funny though. I was talking to a friend last night who is going through a hard time. She was talking about when she was in grad school and the stress and how she needed meds. She stopped taking them a while back and may have to go back on them. When she mentioned that stress level and needing meds it took me back to watching my stbx and how she handled or didn't handle stress. And her seeming anxiety about things. She worries about the strangest things even now from the little interaction we have. It's bizarre to me.
I heard the words. I went back briefly to that place and realized that no matter what, the actions are what count. The reasons are immaterial when all is said and done. She chose what she chose. I have made my choices - I told her if she left again, it was final. She had already mentioned divorce and was already mixed up the boyfriend for a long period of time. Enough is enough. Was and is. In effect, while she did the leaving, I am now following through on my promises (I always do so it's no surprise, but it is a little later internally than I thought it would be). I am leaving her. I have been for a long time now. I see that. But I see it much more clearly now and realize it more and more. I think it has to be that I leave her even after the fact. I thought that would matter, but it seems more important now.

Cheers,
AJ