The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.

You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Will definitely read it.

Had a nice weekend w H up visiting son in college. Yesterday morning we took a beautiful hike in Montecito. Amazing city/ocean views. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. Very casual.

Now back to reality. Going to try to get caught up on my school work today. It has been so hard to focus.

Thanks for listening...

[abbey1989]

Thank you Lotus.
Maybe you are right, but I typically have no problem sleeping...just when there is turmoil in my life. Tylenol PM has been a godsend!

Today is a beautiful day and I am thankful to be alive and kicking. Going to tackle the day.......

[Starsky309]

Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.

You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.

You are playing with fire, Abbey -- literally, with your health. I'm not going to judge you for continuing to ML with a cheating spouse -- reaasonable people can (and do) disagree about that whole topic. But FOR GOD'S SAKE, USE PROTECTION!!!

It's not worth it.

Puppy

[Starsky309]

Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.

You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.

Sorry, got cut off for some reason and couldn't edit. Puppy used to put up stats about people catching STDs (and worse) -- I'll look for the link and post it if I can find it. It's way more prevalent among cheating spouses and OPs than even in the general population.

Starsky

[abbey1989]

Thank you Starsky. I remember "Puppy" from a couple of years ago. I do....really do...appreciate your advice. Honestly, for me this is not about the sex. It is about preserving my marriage and family.

Sex is great and all...don't get me wrong...but I like it better when it happens "organically" rather than me feeling like I have to do this or that to serve a bigger purpose such as saving M.
Somehow takes the fun out of it! Will take advice about protection when/if we need to to. Thanks...

These last couple of days, I have been focusing on being a good friend to H, a good mother to my kids and kind soul to myself.

I guess H can't use the non-initiating sex thing as an excuse anymore. He could still accuse me of not trusting....but that was earned. We still haven't talked about anything having to do with relationship however we have plans to go to concerts, go on vacation this summer, etc... doesn't sound like he plans to leave anytime soon. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to try not to snoop because as others have said on this board, it will and does only make ME feel bad when I turn something up.

Thanks for listening...... (I guess I'm pretty much like most on these boards who have no one to talk to about this stuff). I would never talk to my family, kids or friends about what has been going on. Just kind of suffer in silence.

[abbey1989]

But then again....when I think about snooping....isn't knowledge power? I hate being in the dark! I am so accustomed to being the captain of my own ship so to speak. The not knowing H's next move makes me crazy. I feel like it is a game of chess.

I certainly have made it "easy" for him. I don't question him often about his day, where he has been, etc... I think that was one of the DB rules. Truthfully, I have caught him lying but have just let it slide on a couple of occasions. Trying to keep the peace. Trying to the be the one he wants to come home to. Not the nagging wife who gives him a hard time. But I feel like being that person sometimes!

I know he loves me, but probably (most likely) isn't "in love with me" anymore. But honestly...how long does the "in love" feeling really ever last? I am just too familiar. I think that is it. There is no mystery. He knows my every move from morning til night.

[abbey1989]

I put on a new dress this a.m. and H said I looked nice. Wow...rare for him. Made me feel good anyway.

Strange, we received a hang-up call on our home line at 2:30am. I hate those middle of the night calls, always worried it is one of our parents or my son. I checked callerid and it was a *private call* Maybe OW? I wonder. H answered and whoever it was just hung up.

Received an email from my friend who is going through a painful divorce. For them...it is definitely OVER. She has bought a new condo and is moving at the end of the month. She has even started dating again...at 51! So I guess there is always hope that a life "alone"...if my sitch turns out that way....doesn't necessarily mean I'll be lonely forever.

Thanks for listening.....

[Yoyowife]

Abbey,
Please get the book I suggested to you. Living in limbo can be the hardest thing. Only you can decide what to do. I held on way too long, but I will never feel like I didn't try. Sometimes marriages succeed and sometimes they don't, but only you can decide what is best for you. Both partners have to be willing to work on it.

My story first began in Oct. 2006 when H left after 20 years of marriage and two teenaged daughters. I was not aware at first, but found out he was having an affair with his secretary who left her husband. H filed for divorce June 2007. Everytime I would withdraw from him, he would pursue me. I would get comfortable and fall back into the old patterns again. In 2008, he called off the divorce saying that we could work it out. Keep in mind he never moved back into our house.

Finally, I decided I could not put up with his cake eating anymore. I made up my mind I would divorce him. It was my daughter's senior year and I wanted to devote my energy to her. I just avoided him. I filed for divorce when she graduated in 2009. We had a business. It was a lengthy divorce figuring out the settlement. It was final June 2010.

Yes, I mourned the death of my marriage. I mourned that my daughters would have divorced parents. Once I made up my mind that he was not going to give up the affair, I got stronger day by day.

I dated casually for a while. It was nice knowing that at the age of 47 I still had it...lol. I am now dating a friend from college. We reconnected on facebook. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is so nice to know that he loves me for me and I don't have to compete for his attention. We have been together for 6 months now. He is a true gentleman. It is never too late to find love!

I am not by any means trying to tell you to end your marriage. I believe in marriage and had hoped it would be forever. I just want you to know that no matter what you decide, you are going to be okay. In the meantime work on being the self assured, strong Abbey.

Hugs, Yoyo

[abbey1989]

Thanks Yoyo...

Wow, our situations sound VERY similar. Especially with the shared business and all.

I am so happy to hear that you are happy. You deserve it! We all do don't we?

I need to pursue what makes me happy just like H has I suppose. OW let him borrow a really lame movie "Stranger Than Fiction" and what he got out of that is the quote "Live the Life You've Always Imagined". Too bad he didn't realize that it was Henry David Thoreau who actually penned that. Ha Ha. He brings that quote up often to our kids and I almost want to gag.

I guess the life HE always imagined includes lying and cheating on his wife and family. Ugh!

He is supposed to make dinner tonight (shop and cook...the whole enchilada!) while I work in our office getting some client billing out. In the past, I would do it all...make dinner, dishes AND work in the office. Kind of an interesting offer for him to shop and cook.

I'm headed to happy hour with a girlfriend. Cadillac Margarita sounds good...Should be fun.

Thanks for listening...

[abbey1989]

Happy hour with girlfriend started out great....until I had one too many glasses of chardonnay. Ended up spilling the beans to her. Cried like a baby. UGH! Can't take it back...and I hope she doesn't tell everyone.

Better stick with coffee.

BTW...when husband left for work this a.m., he kissed me and said "I LOVE YOU". The last time he said that first was on our anniversary 2 1/2 years ago.