W and I got together late this afternoon. I had spoken with her on the phone and offered to help her help SS with some homework that he has accumulated due to the trip to Buffalo. So they came over to the house and we all worked on his homework for about 2 and a half hours.
After finishing up the homework, we decided to go out for dinner and a movie. Saw Battle Los Angeles, which was pretty good btw. I put my hand on W's knee during the movie. At one point SHE grabbed my hand and held it for about 15 minutes.
We drove back to my house. I walked them to her car, kissed W on lips goodbye, and told both W and SS that I loved them. W told me that she loved me too.
W texted me when she got home:
W: "Thanks for the nice evening. Goodnight!"
Me: "I had a lot of fun. I love you guys so much! Goodnight baby!"
W: "Thank you. goodnight!" -----
Not a whole lot new in the way of what happened. But what doesn't come across in my description of what we did together tonight is that W seemed very open to me... I did not feel that invisible hand coming from W tonight... There was some moments in Buffalo where I felt that the invisible hand disappeared, and even last night at the party for a few moments... but it has still been there. My W even told me last night that she felt that, for some reason, she felt that she needed to remain somewhat closed to me until we have things figured out. She even said that she didn't know why she feels this way. But I am feeling her feeling more comfortable with me all of the time. And I definitely felt it in our kiss goodnight... it was much more comfortable than it has been.
All in all, more progress ...
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I just caught up on your thread Denver. I'm pumped for you. You are doing well and I am happy to see all the progress you have made.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Denver knows that I am green with envy at his sitch! Just in time for St. Patty's day too!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I called my W this evening. We chatted for a few, but she was at the store shopping for her S's baby shower that she is throwing on Sunday. W texted me later telling me that she was getting ready to help SS work on some homework. SS got really behind in school with the death of W's grandma and our trip to Buffalo. And SS HATES school. It is like pulling teeth to get him to do homework.
Anyway, I texted W back telling her to let me know if there was anything I could do to help. She texted me back "dinner?" I jumped at the chance and offered to make her dinner while she helped SS with the homework.
W and SS came over. They worked on the homework while I cooked. Nothing too significant to note. W left after a couple of hours. She thanked me and we kissed goodbye.
I text W later telling her that I was happy that she and SS had come over. She responded that she was "glad we went to your place also". We joked around via text a bit and then said goodnight.
Boring update. Sorry!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
nOt boring at all Denver. Very positive and inspiring.
YOu have patience man. I think that I would be chomping at the bit to keep progressing but you are doing the right thing. I am hoping that all will keep moving forward for you until everything can be put back together.
It seems like such a simple thing but obvioulsy , it is not or we would all be back together.
Contiuned success
9 BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Patience is the key Nine. I've been reading your thread and you need to practice some.
Trust me, I know that it is very, very difficult. We want so badly for things to be resolved and for the hurt and upheaval to end. And we want it NOW.
But...
From the very beginning... we do not control the timeline... we are not driving the bus...
Our WAS is!
This does not change the second that we get positive information or the second that our WAS says that they are reconsidering the walk away...
Remember... WAS is as confused, if not more so, than the LBS when all of this goes down. That also does not change when they begin to have doubts about their choices. In fact... that is probably only the very beginning for them... they are trying to figure everything out...
On this, because you are here, you have had a head start. Remember that, be patient with your W, and give her time.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, I know I have said this a thousand times, but please keep up the good work. I cannot tell you how inspiring it is to hear good news like this. Each time I read your posts, I imagine myself in your position. Doing this gives me the drive and ambition to continue to DB each day. Why? Because I have seen it work with my own eyes right here on this forum for you and your sitch. I think if this goes to a full reconciliation, you should proposition MWD for a place on her internet add! HA!
Hang in there, buddy. The best is yet to come... but so is the hard work!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Yesterday... Not much to report. Spoke to my W a few times throughout the day, but we did not see each other.
Today... Very BIG
Called my W tonight and invited she and SS over for dinner and a movie. She accepted.
We were hanging out while dinner was cooking. W noticed some tack paper that my mom has put in our cupboards since W moved out. My W commented that she was frustrated that my mom is doing stuff to our house as if it is her's. W was frustrated and told me 'would you tell your mom that this is still my house?' ... I explained that the tack paper was easily removed and that my mom had not asked me before putting it in. W was not mad... just frustrated. She then stated... "this stuff is like wallpaper... out of the 70's... If I'm moving back in, it has to go!" Then she laughed... I nearly fell jumped in happiness when she mentioned possibly moving back in!!
A little later, she was talking about a singing gig that she has in April. I told her that I may want to go to it. She then said that she wasn't if I'd want to bc OM is on the show (he is a horn player who is on approximately 5-6 shows per year with my W). I agreed, but instead of saying that I'd be uncomfortable, I couldn't help myself... I said, 'no, OM wouldn't to run into me' ...
W went into a convo re status of R with OM... she had previously mentioned to me on friday that she is distancing herself from OM and that he is 'grasping as straws'. She told me that she has spoken to OM about the fact that she is working on M with me. Again, this is news to me since W and I haven't formally made this decision. But obviously good to hear! Then she tells me that OM has began to back off and doesn't seem interested in pursuing her in a romantic way. That he understands why she is moving towards me. AGain, I couldn't help myself... I said, 'what, he realize that you are M'd?" I said it jokingly, and W understood this... her response though kind of put me in my place... she said, "you just realized that you were M'd a few months ago."
I told W that I am uncomfortable with her continuing doing any shows with OM even if it is just 5-6 times per year. She said that she understood completely and that she didn't want to put me in that position. But, she said that she is still unsure of how to deal with the sitch bc OM works for the same company as she does (one of her bands is through an entertainment company). She said that she thinks that it will work itself out over time and that she believes that OM will not want to have anything to do with her very soon.
W then said something that sounded like her taking some responsibility and acknowledging an A (she has previously refused to view her R with OM as an A bc in her mind we were D'd months ago).... W said that this is a very difficult situation and that she is willing to take 'half' of the 'responsibility' for causing this difficult situation... but that I am also responsible. I will take it even though I still have difficulty accepting that I pushed her into having an A... Leaving yes, most definitely... but to have an A?? don't know if I will ever completely buy into that. But hey! Better to be M'd and happy than to be 'right'!!!
Anyway, I asked her if she would please let me know if and when she has a show that OM is also on so that I don't have to wonder about each gig that she has. She said that she would bc she knows what it is like to wonder about things like that. I have a few ex's who are lawyers and W says that she would often wonder if I was seeing one of them when I'd have court in the courthouses where they work.
I am not going to press the issue with OM for now. I am VERY comfortable that the R bw W and OM is over at this point. I am still not comfortable with W having any contact with OM at all, nor will I ever be, but this will be worked out over time. I am also not comfortable feeling like I am looking over my shoulder... that if I screw up, W may turn to OM. In reality, I don't believe that I am on such thin ice, but it is how I feel. I told my W this, and she told me that is not the case.
W knows that this is a fluid situation that is going to have to change in the near future. But I am not going to press it for now. W is drawing closer to me every day. I do not want to screw it up.
The main things gained tonight were the statements made by W about thinking about moving back into the house, and that we are working on our M. Both things that I thought were probably going through her mind, but had not been said out loud.
Thanks for the continued support everyone!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It sounds like you are making some good steps toward reconciliation.
I do have some words of caution though. I fully expect that you are going to argue each point with me, and I am ok with that...
This thing with the OM...
Has your W really ended things with him, or has she just put him on the back burner?
She is worried about your comfort level with them working together, however, she doesn't appear too concerned with doing anything about it. She has continued to talk to him about your marital status and situation.
These are HUGE red flags for me.
They are also things that I would want to see changed permanently before I chose to reconcile.
That is something for YOU. I know people are going to scream CONTROLLING behavior, and yes, to a degree, it is controlling...
It is also a statement of your self esteem and how you will and won't let yourself be treated.
--You do need to own your part in the A. She had an A, because you were not a good H. You were not meeting her needs. You created a situation that allowed her to become vulnerable to that sort of thing. While you didn't force her to get into the bed, you did hold the door wide open for her.
You need to recognize this and figure out a way to make sure that YOU don't do that again.
And you need to forgive both her and yourself for it. If you don't, I can guarantee that the reconciliation, won't last very long...
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
W knows that this is a fluid situation that is going to have to change in the near future. But I am not going to press it for now. W is drawing closer to me every day. I do not want to screw it up.
This is also a red flag for me...
Your W may be drawing closer to you for now...
There is NO guarantee that she will remain that way though. You seem to want to wait to deal with the issues that are bothering you...
Do you think if you bury them now, and wait to bring them up down the road, that the reception you will receive will be any better?
Honestly, it could be worse. Because you will be feeling more secure and then the apple cart gets tipped over and you feel like crap because you did it this time...
Denver, deal with your issues. Deal with your feelings. Decide, now that the possibility really exists, if you CAN do this.
It is time to know exactly what you want the new R to look like. It is time to look beyond the goal of reconciliation and see what the actual relationship in piecing is going to look like.
What are the boundaries? What are real problems that you had in your M that could use some working out while you are doing all of this?
Is it fair, to either of you, to wait until things seem better to bring these things up?
"Oh, BTW, in the past, you didn't talk to me enough about what you were feeling and I need someone who is willing to talk things through instead of shutting down?"
"Oh, BTW, we didn't have sex as often as I would like to. That is something that I need to be different."
Denver, it is important to know and be able to express what you need in a R, as well as HEAR and give, what your W needs in a R. So that both of you, can make your determination for yourselves, if this is really a workable situation.
If you don't, down the road, these problems will arise and you may very well find yourself back in H*ll.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
goodnight!"