PINCH ME of HIT ME with a 2x4

[Denver_2010]

Nine - No worries about asking me on my thread to take a look at your sitch. Anytime.

Now... you need to listen to what Truegritter and 2Step have told you in the above threads. IMO... YOU are moving too quickly here.

Your W came to you and provided you with information. That information is that she misses you, is BEGINNING to realize that her choices have messed things up, and that she still loves you.

You can use this information, but you still cannot control how things proceed. What I see from your end of these recent conversations is you trying to control the direction of this ship.

Your W is still in control. Like it or not.

Let her... continue to give her space and time to figure things out on her own. Let this happen organically ... not by force. It is the only way that you can have a real chance at true reconciliation.

THIS must be completely out of her system before she will truly come back to your M. And it must happen on her timeline. This is the only way man.

So what you must do is use the information that you have been given to adjust your DB strategy.

IMO that should be...

Patience... lots of patience...

Time... be willing to give this as much time as is needed ...

Stop bringing up OM! This is important IMO ... stop trying to force her to give this up ... Trust me, I know how important this piece is to you... but it can't be forced... it just can't. She has to do this bc it is what she wants... bc SHE is done with it... not bc you have guilt tripped her or bc you have made it a prerequisite to having a life with you in the future. She has had a R with this OM whether you like it or not... it will have to end as any other R does... and she will have to heal from it.

Stop having R talks ... just stop. You know where she stands... but she is still confused... trust me. Now... start building the friendship bw you and W again. Your M or a new M will not thrive if there isn't a friendship... this means that she needs to feel safe with you, talking to you, and sharing her deepest thoughts and emotions with you. Some of the things that Gritter pointed out are not helpful in building a friendship... with anyone. This is where your NEW M should begin... friendship.

Begin sharing time with you W if you can... and make sure that this time is not centered on the stress of what is going on or has gone on... in other words, begin to share moments of fun and laughter with your W... give her more reason to want to come back and never stray again... show her that she can be happy again... Be the change that you want to see from her. Get it?

All in all ... very good Nine. But I do think that you need to go back and refresh yourself on some DB principles... your part in the recent conversations with your W concern me bc it all seems too rushed... and I think that you are the reason for that.

Lastly... remember that the underlying issues that have caused the demise of your M must be addressed before you can successfully reconcile. I would suggest MC to W when the time is right... and this should begin before she moves back in with you IMO.

Keep up the good work Nine... and never hesitate to come over to my thread to get my 2 cents... I owe this board more than I can ever say in words and I want to pay it back the best that I can... unfortunately, my own sitch has demanded most of my time lately.

BITS
Denver