Thanks everyone for your brilliant feedback and encouragement about this evening’s “kinda sorta date” with XH: dinner and a movie. I took advice from Sanderika AND Rabbit and wore a black long-sleeved cotton shirt with a deep V-neck trimmed with wide black lace, UNDER a light grey knit cardigan that buttoned up the front. I un-buttoned the top 2 buttons, so that the black lace peeked out from under the cardigan. I gave myself a facial today so that I was dewy-faced.
XH was kind of sedate again and initially seemed to make a bit less eye contact. We leaned into each other throughout the movie to chat softly, but that was the extent of the opportunities to brush up against XH in flirty ways. We saw “The Adjustment Bureau” which gave us something to talk about over dinner. I took my cue about how to interact from XH’s demeanor so decided not to go for laughs or heavy flirting this evening. We ended up talking about some substantive stuff ---- more so than when we were a couple. The movie raises the question of to what extent free will exists, so after the movie we talked about free will a bit. I asked XH what 3 events in his life had had the greatest influence on his life. He said: his twin sister’s death, some business issues he had about 15 years ago, and his first D. I told him my top 3 life-changing events were: my father’s death when I was young, the poverty I experienced as a result of my 1st D, and my decision to attend graduate school.
I asked XH how he was doing with his mother’s health. XH got a little cross at that point and said “I know you think that I need to address issues with my mother”. I kindly looked into his eyes and in a very calm, kind voice said “Would you please do me a favor? Would you please try not to read my mind? You have done that in the past and you haven’t been correct. I have actually been thinking that you seem much more at peace in your R with your mother now compared to one year ago. I am asking you about your mother’s health because you’re a friend. That’s what I do with friends.” I was surprised that XH replied by looking me straight in the eye and saying in a calm and genuine way “I will try to not read your mind”. That was a change for XH. He wasn’t defensive at all in response to my statement. Not sure if XH remembers he left our M because he thought he knew I would never leave my university position to save our M, so he didn’t bother telling me how unhappy he was.
We talked about his R with his mother a bit. As we spoke, XH got tears in his eyes…….so sadness is bubbling just beneath the surface. We also talked a bit about BMF’s mother who had a terribly critical nature throughout BMF’s life. I said “It’s pretty clear that BMF has been trying to achieve the love he never got from his mother in every dating R he has ever had”. XH nodded and agreed. I said “Yes, BMF had a very critical mother, but he has been a grown adult for many years and he is capable of sorting that out for himself so that it doesn’t have to haunt his life anymore”. XH nodded his head in agreement………..so XH is not defending BMF’s bad behavior with women.
I told XH that I participated in a D support group (first time I ever mentioned this to XH). He seemed interested and asked if I was attending or leading the support group. I told him that the members mentor and provide support to one another. XH told me that his former business partner’s M counseling is not going well. I asked “Is his W going to individual counseling? If she’s so unhappy, why isn’t she going to counseling?” I also told XH specifics about my current financial concerns. He listened.
As we walked to our cars, XH turned to say good-bye, we hugged, and I kissed him on the lips sweetly. He looked a little surprised but reciprocated. We chatted a bit more and XH said he might not be able to play TT this week because of a scheduling conflict but that he would e-mail me to let me know. We got into our cars and drove away. XH honked as he drove past me.
Since leaving the restaurant I have been trying to figure out why lately (last few get-togethers) it feels as though XH and I haven’t clicked when we get together after it DID feel as though we clicked just a couple months ago. After thinking about this a bit, I’m pretty sure XH isn’t his normal self lately because of his mother’s declining health. XH indicated that he had visited his mother Friday night and also said that BMF’s work is very busy and that BMF is now dating a new woman. All of this makes me think that GF#2 isn’t around and that XH must be kind of lonely since BMF is probably spending less time with him.
Writing this down has helped me piece things together. I hope that these debriefings give others ideas of how reconnection can occur.
