Wow. Finally, a quiet house. Did some reading and thinking today. My recent behavior reminded me of the "old me" - times when I was doing my thing and W and I were better. At those times I don't think I had any idea I was "doing" anything that W found attractive - I was just being me. Hmmmm, getting all Taoist again....trying without trying too hard, and such. It was just natural, honest me. Maybe, if all this becomes more natural I'll find myself there again.
Really understanding now - more than I did before - that I really did the wrong thing by giving up myself and seeking Ws approval. If it didn't make her happy I must not have been doing it right.....so many examples of making her "happy" in the short term, while dooming us in the long term. Instead of living off the interest, I spent the principle, then wondered why I was broke. At the worst of all this I was asked to draw a picture of myself - and I drew all around the space that was "me", leaving that empty because I defined myself only by what was around me - as a father because I have kids, as a husband because I am married, etc. When W started pulling away it was because I wasn't attractive....well, I wasn't much of anything anymore. And the thought of losing her was (is?) unbearable because without the things around me I would cease to exist. Realizing now those things I gave up - what was I thinking? Where did I get it that this was a good idea? Damn the 80's and 90's and the idea of the sensitive new age guy. I wish someone - some wiser guy - would have seen the warning signs and taught me something back then.
So, ok. When my W said she had no respect for me - the single worst day of my life - she was telling me to get my act together. Only she couldn't really tell me - not in a way I understood. Because she was scared, and how would she know what I needed to do? And I just tried harder to please her and sacrifice my interests for the family. Man, I gave up friends, hobbies, interests, dreams, my health.....and that's not what she wanted. I was scared because she might leave, and she thought she might have to leave because I was acting all scared. Seriously, she could have made this a little easier - she was a bit of a bully and made some high unilateral decisions, but I probably set up that dynamic.
Her boss gives her the perfect cover - she can go see about him under the guise of "work stuff".
The progress I've made lately is really the first time I've ever made the connection between a man being authentic and honest and strong and a women being attracted to him. No, I'm not THAT dense. See, I actually WAS that guy a some points in the past - but it was a natural accident. It was just me. I never realized. To attract someone you don't actually go out and try to attract them. You let your light shine brighter and in their general direction. (OK, slow learner here!) Would explain why going out to "look" for someone doesn't work and then you stop and bam! there they are.
My progress has been in little steps so far. I think it's time for some BIG changes.
I REALLY enjoy traveling and adventure and exploring new places. And I'm tired of making excuses about why we can't go, and watching W go to all the great places and make memories with someone else. I have some extra $ coming and instead of plunging it into retirement - hey, I might never see that money again - I'm going SOMEWHERE, and soon. W owes me like a month of travel time from her trips. I'll offer that I'd love for her to come but I'm going anyway. Heck, if I can't cover kid care I'm going to rent an RV and even at $4 gas I'm going to drive until it gets warmer.
I think making this work is going to require a new (to me) approach. I'm not going to try to save my M. I love my W, I want my family. But right now I just want to see if there's any "me" left in here.
Also think it may be time to have an understanding with Ws boss. A conversation would likely backfire, but I suspect I could make my feelings known nevertheless. Will put that on the back burner for now....
