The more time I spend on these boards, the more value I see in setting clear boundaries for what we will and will not tolerate in our lives.
Obviously I'm not woman, so all I can say is no self-respecting woman would respect a man who has no clear boundaries, standards, values, priorities...
You simply MUST draw lines in the sand for yourself and for your son.
Nothing saying you can't be friendly and supportive, you just have to be well aware of the difference between being strong, loving and supportive...
And being weak, fearful and needy.
In other words, grow a spine. NOW!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
The more time I spend on these boards, the more value I see in setting clear boundaries for what we will and will not tolerate in our lives.
Obviously I'm not woman, so all I can say is no self-respecting woman would respect a man who has no clear boundaries, standards, values, priorities...
You simply MUST draw lines in the sand for yourself and for your son.
Nothing saying you can't be friendly and supportive, you just have to be well aware of the difference between being strong, loving and supportive...
And being weak, fearful and needy.
In other words, grow a spine. NOW!
Wife texts: "You're bringing 'E' over right?" (cuz I did it last Sunday)
Well, this is going to be my reply (i'm in no hurry):
Or they might turn beautiful with your son liberated in the middle.
Not sure what you meant here...
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
Big talk. big escape clause.
Or here...
In the first quote you had said "Things might turn ugly, with son caught in the middle." I was suggesting things might turn beautiful, with son being freed from all the fighting.
In the second, you had said something like "I would have followed her to the ends of the earth IF she was committed..."
That sounded to me like a way to give up and then rationalize you did your best.
But only you know your limitations, your potential, and your truth.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
You were caught off guard. I didn't see you being a pushover.....just stunned. I think you could have told her that in the future she should contact you sooner to see about the child staying with you. After all, you have a life.....you have a schedule, you have to make arrangements, too. I can see where it looks like she took advantage of you. It's tough when it's your child involved.
This statement from W was the one that ticked you off:
Quote:
W: You have that frown on your face like you're mad about taking care of 'E'.
Don't "demand" an apology for something like that. Let it roll off your back. Those thoughts are hers, as crazy as they are.
She laid a guilt trip on you? I see her being the one who is guilty and setting you up to be the bad guy here. She's trying to shift her guilt over to you.
The statement that jumped out at me was this:
Quote:
W: You know this is your son, right. You're his father...
Has she ever made a remark like that before? I'm sure that was more of her pressure and guilt technique, but it was very inappropriate! IMHO, that should have been when you put a stop to the conversation and tell her she's out of line making a statement like that. However, that is the end of the conversation for you. It's not to get into further discussion.
It's important that she sees you standing tall, using a soft but firm, confident, manly voice. For example, "This conversation is over. Email me the arrangments about "E". Then you leave. No more talk. You have decided to end the conversation. If she keeps talking.....so be it, but you are not acknowledging it. See what I mean? You don't act like a jerk, but you act strong, take charge, attitude.
You see, she was controlling the entire situation. You needed to step up and be the man in charge and tell her what you will do.....not her telling you what you will do.
It's not right for her to pull the strings and dump the baby onto you whenever she needs a babysitter. I'm not suggesting that you refuse to keep him, but she needs to show more respect and consideration.
At the end of the day, only you know what you want, and you have to decide about the lines you draw in the sand.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Uggghh! My gut has turned inside out after that challenging encounter.
After I texted my wife "I think it's better if you pick our son up", I had to take care of our son who just woke up from his nap. She tried calling a couple of times while I was doing that. After I settled our boy with a snack and water, I called her back.
W: Yeees? M: Hello. W: Are you dropping 'E' off? M: No, I think you should pick him up instead. W: Why shouldn't you send him home? M: I think you should be the one picking him up, and not me, because you chose to leave this house. You will have to come out and pick him up. W: Ha-ha, let me remind you that you destroyed this marriage. M: I destroyed this marriage up until you said your 'switch' was turned off. Then you CHOSE to end it...the ball was in your court and you chose to do this. W: If this how you're going to do this, then you can pick him up when I usually drop him off at your house. I was trying to be fair...we take turns picking 'E' up. So now you can pick him up when it's your turn to see him. M: Okay. M: You know, if you were still in this house, this wouldn't be a problem. W: I don't want to hear about this again. (And my wife abruptly hangs up)
When my wife finally comes to the house, I could tell from her tone and energy that she was tantrum-my. I was expecting it, but not expecting how childish it was going to be.
She asked for our son's Mighty Machines DVD that she left in our machine here. She talked about it a week or so ago, but I thought it weird to ask for that straight off the bat. I handed her the DVD.
I also had sitting on the kitchen counter a little cooler bag that I use to take our son's snacks, diapers and whatnot to church, like I did today. My wife then tells me she's taking that, because it's her. I said "Go ahead", matter-of-factly. It's not big deal, but once again, it kinda cracks me up that she decided to take it today. It's been in the kitchen on top of the fridge waaaay before she even started packing her things up, let alone moving out.
Then she talked about the case for the DVD she reclaimed, and we discussed if it's at her new place or lying around somewhere here. After which I said, "If I find it here somewhere, I'll let know you, ok?" She answered, "O, being cooperative now, are we?" I ignored that statement, as well as all the daggers I felt were coming my way during this whole exchange.
So now my head and gut are reeling. I put my foot down, but am not sure if it was worth it. The only difference now is I pick my boy up when she used to drop him off, and vice versa. And she's pissed off.
For me I did it because I felt her assumption that I would do certain things needed to be straightened out. I needed that to be a boundary. But I'm not sure if this was the right circumstance/scenario/situation to bring this up.
What do you feel that you did well? What do you feel that you can improve?
I need to love my wife like I've never loved before. As in, I need to:
- Let her act the way she needs to act - Let her vent and be reckless - Let her go if it comes down to it (as much as I hate it from the bottom of my heart, and I pray to God it doesn't have to go that way) - Show her she's losing THE man she fell in love with by being THE man she fell in love with
BUT, not at the expense of my boundaries, life balance, or my relationship with my son. At least that's the plan. The important part is maintain balance with reference to my religion/faith.
Refer to my last 3/10 post of that day. Those are the fruit of my current and ongoing labor to revive the "old" Alamo while improving on each aspect of my life.
I feel much better after yesterday's encounter with my wife. I might've pushed her further into the deep end of hate, but I needed to draw a line somewhere because she was getting out of bounds whether she realized it or not.
