I've been reading some of these posts about very early reconnections with wayward Hs and something occurs to me that might help.
I'm well over my D now, and over the entreaties of my Xhusband to reconcile. He doesn't meet my criteria for goodness in my life now (and we have no shared children) ... but I am ready to find a new healthy permanent relationship and I've been doing a lot of research, dating and talking to friends, male and female about this stuff and there are some fundamental skills and resources that are really helpful for starting any new relationship and keeping that relationship strong into the future.
The first is to understand that men and women are different. I strongly recommend you read or refer to Mars and Venus on a date (there's a web-site and bulletin board for John Gray/Mars Venus stuff as well as the books... the board is a bit yukky, a lot of pop-up advertising, but it's good stuff for learning how men and women are different.
Its important to remember, that while you might feel as though this is the man you know so well and he knows you and it makes sense to act in your usual up-front way and ask "hey, what the heck is going on" ... your man has been through the wringer and he's not going to jump back into any relationship that doesn't make him FEEL great. Men (in general - and particularly in life transitions - don't want to talk about what's going on; what all they are doing wrong; what the problems are in their live; they just want to FEEL good.
Women are programed to find a man and then conceptualise a long term future with that person. We don't even know we are doing it. It's ancient stuff. We want to be looked after and protected. Men want to look after us, protect us and make us safe. But they want a woman who is strong on the inside and soft on the outside. They want to know we can look after our own FEELINGS. They don't like it when we dump all our FEELINGS AND FEARS on them, because then they feel like they have to fix them.
One thing I've really learned about men over the past 12 months or so is that they don't think about the FOREVER stuff we do. They are content if one day is good, then the next day is good ... it's when all the good days blur into each other and that's where they'll make their place.
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He said things like, be patient, i am trying, I am working on..... etc. I did say in my posts (and it was good to read that) he was making no promises.
HE's giving you all the hints here that he doesn't know what he wants, but clearly you are one of his options ... he's asking you to be patient (going to his house and putting the "what's your game" question is not "being patient")
This was really evident to me a few weeks ago. I've been dating a good (although I suspect not-quite-right-and-probably-a-bit-dangerous-for-me) man for 6 months or so. We live at opposite ends of the country and we both have mobile, remote jobs, so we only see each other for about 1 week per month. We'd had this really intense week together that was smokin' and we both felt the deep emotional connection. I had to leave the country to go to work and he was going back to where his children live before returning to his job. We'd been texting all afternoon, but he called me just before I got on the plane and he sounded all depressed; said his ex had had a melt-down at him about the kids; was changing his plans to spend more time in the city he was in .... just drama ... and I got cross.
In my head I made it all about me. "Far out buster, we just have an amazing time together, I'm ready to talk about one of us relocating, and I was going to talk to you about that now; and all you can do is bring us both down." I didn't say that, but I got off the phone pretty quickly and dwelled on it while I was travelling for the next 12 hours.
I got to work and wrote him an email where I poured my heart out - and without realising what I was doing, I effectively said I wanted to up the level of commitment ... in a really nice loving way.
24 hours later, I got an email back from him saying he wasn't in a position to provide the commitment I wanted.
By then I'd found CONTROL of MY EMOTIONS and I decided to handle it from the get-go like all the liturature says we should. I wrote him a short note back, thanking him for his honesty. Told him it had been fun and I wished a gorgeous life for him - then went complete no contact.
I went back to the reading and what i'd don't is made "making a commitment" my idea. Men need to think "commitment" is their own idea. Hell, I guess we all need to think that. I still blame my ex for making me return to Aus from an amazing job on the sub-continent 20 years ago so he could have his "commitment" (should maybe deal with that one!)
The no-contact lasted a bit over a week. He texted me and called me and told me he missed my voice and didn't realise how much he wanted me until I wasn't in his life anymore. I continued to keep my EMOTIONS in check and as much as I wanted to I waited a day to return his call.
He apologised. Said he was angry when he got my email because he has so much else going on in his life and if we make a commitment to each other or decide to relocate it should be after we've talked about it and not by e-mail. All fair points really.
So we're slowly reconnecting and he's talking about the future and I'm validating him.
The flip-side is now that I've got control of my emotions - and I'm being rational about the whole thing - I've got some space to really think about if it's the first/year/sex/chemical thing I'm in love with or this man himself.
Good idea not to press the Wednesday night thing. If you mention it, you'll be persuing. LEt him bring it up ... or not ... and be OK with the outcome either way.
There's also some interesting stuff around you should read about using more feminine energy rather than masculine energy. Masculine energy is the doing energy. It's the giving, fixing, manipulating, task and outcome oriented "doing" stuff. Feminine energy is the receiving energy. We modern women spend a lot of time working from our masculine energy - we need to at work to progress issues and get the outcomes we want on projects. We need to to run a house and do the business associated with living in the modern world - but we would do well to use less of it in our personal relationships with men.
It's possible to tap into your feminine energy and relax into a receiving postion. It makes men wild.
It also doesn't hurt to read up on some of the stuff written for women who are dating and searching for mr right (Christian Carter, 9 mistakes women make that drive men away, Rori Raye has some crazy stuff about being a Modern Siren, and there's a gorgeous page on Face-book about Feminine Energy and using it in your relationships.)
Look at this from all angles. We are not born with these skills or the knowledge - but as we learn them, our relationships with ourselves, men and the world really change.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
