Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

I know there are a lot of "fill in the blanks" and thoughts to work out. I have no fantasy about my leaving H and going off with ex ... it was a really good weekend far away from everything for both of us, and we probably just continued on from when we were young ... we broke up because he moved far away ... we were both very young (like 20) and he was influenced by his mom to remain there, otherwise he would've stayed and who knew how our lives would've turned out. We spoke about it at length and I am satisfied with that aspect ... the break-up, for me, was devastating and it took me a long time to get over it. Until now, I don't think I was over it completely. I thought about him a lot ... more than I should've. Even during happy times, I would wonder how he was doing. It is safe to say that I was really, really in love with him then. We have the same sense of humour ... we think alike. We are both goofy, and he understand me like no-one ever has. We constantly say, "I was going to say that," or "I was thinking the same thing," or we would just finish each others sentences. He knows what think all the time ... it's spooky in a way. And, it seems, I know what he's thinking. I had already thought that he was thinking about his SD8. I don't know about his R with his GF, but if he can have a wekend like we had, I would think there is something going on. I know that nothing will change and we will always be friends ... we both said that we shouldn't lose that.

so, here I am ... wondering what my next step is. I'm not that much in a hurry to get divorced. Doesn't seem my H is either. I will be far away from any temptation, and we try really hard not to talk about romantic stuff. We have so much more to talk about anyway. Also, I'm coming up for my yearly MRI, and perhaps that was my underlying reason to give in to temptation and once past that, would be fine. Ex sureing gives the best hugs ... the kind that when he wraps his arms around you, it feels like the two of you become one.

Sometimes, I feel so out of step with my life. Things happen when it shouldn't. Timing [censored]. Six years ago, Ex got divorced and I was going to because of H's EA, but we didn't know that. And he didn't have his GF then. We only got reconnected in the last year or so. So, there is as much as I am going to tell anyone.

I don't know what to do, but next week I go home and will do some pondering. I am looking forward to being there.

[BeingMe]

Journalling and thinking ....

Two more sleeps then I fly home. I arrive there on Wednesday, and H will be back on Thursday or Friday, not sure which. I was thinking of telling him all that happened in Belgium, but I don't think it will be productive to do that, since ExBF and I are very unlikely to go off into the sunshine. Haha! I do feel bad (just a little) about hiding things ... it's not in my nature to have secrets. But, I'll give myself this one.

I found it very hard not to flirt with ExBF on skype IM. I never used to until that weekend, and he does respond. But, since yesterday, not one flirty text, not even a kissing icon. Nada! And, I mean to keep this up. We had a lot to chat about, anyway, what with earthquakes and uni strikes happening. It seems the world is mimmicking my life, my inner thoughts. Gack!!!!????

So, H and I will be in the same house for a few weeks before his next trip. I wonder what's going to happen. Probably nothing.

[BeingMe]

"Sunset" not "sunshine", although I wouldn't mind some sun. What's with the edit button?

[WCW]

IMO you are flirting with danger by flirting with xbf. I know it feels good, I know the attention fills a hole you have had inside for a long time. You're not admitting it yet, but can you see EA for you and xbf?

[BeingMe]

I know I am flirting with danger (excuse the pun?). I do see an EA as a possibility, BUT I am determined to keep him as just a friend .... no more flirting. I don't want to lose the friendship, and I think if I go down the EA path, it is a probability.

Well, there he is on skype asking about my day, which was pretty good.

[BeingMe]

I'm home ... yay! I'm happy about being here (after 2 days of traveling), but I also miss my grandchildren. Very much.

H arrives home tomorrow. Not sure what I'm going to do.

[BeingMe]

PS H will be leaving again, next week. I don't know for how long. I thought we would have at least 3 weeks to kinda get to know each other again, and see where the wind is blowing, but, it is not to be. Our 25th anniversary is on March 29 ... he won't be here to celebrate, although we hardly celebrate usually anyway. Just dinner. He did say he would be here, but i guess work got in the way again. This will be the first time, that I can remember, when we will be apart on our anniversary. It makes me sad.

[BeingMe]

H leaves tomorrow. Our 25th anniversary is on Tuesday, so he won't be here. My D23 said that we should have a party, but none of our old friends or family are here. Most are a continent and an ocean away. Wouldn't be much fun without them. And not everyone has parties for their milestone anniversaries.

I have decided to deactivate my fb for awhile. And my skype. I need to clear my head as far as my exBF and my H are concerned. Nothing I can do about exBF, except to try and distance myself romantically. I just wonder if we should remain friends ... I am thinking not. But, he just makes me laugh, and he understands me so well.

I have not a clue about what to do about H. None. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Nil. ~sigh~

[courageous wife]

Hi Being Me

I have not a clue about what to do about H. None. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Nil.

Sounds pretty good to me!!!

[BeingMe]

Journalling, since very few people come onto my thread .... this is what I am thinking ....

CW, thanks for posting ... you are probably right.

I am very confused. I feel like a WAW. I have hit a wall, and cannot break through. What happened in Belgium is tearing me apart inside. I don't feel guilty over it, but I do feel sad that it happened, and I still can't have him (he has a GF, but more importantly, the GF has a D8 who has only known EXbf as a dad, and he doesn't want to abandon her, and I agree, I would never ask him to do that). I have stopped communicating with him ... even deactivated my fb for a time, so I can think.

I still think H is involved with someone else. Why would he come and meet my EXbf the one weekend (EXbf came to visit me at D30, and H came to see the baby .... the only time he could get a w/e to do so ... well, that's his story and knowing his timetable, I can't fault him), then not even try and dissuade me from going to see him, even stay in his flat? (BTW, he liked EXbf, and the feeling was mutual ... same kinda people.)Unless, he really doesn't care, and has someone else in which he is emotionally invested. Or, he trusts me that much. He knows this is the one guy in all the world, that still has a piece of my heart. This came up when we were discussing OW and how he didn't know how he was going to let go since he thought about her all the time we were married (she is a high school crush), yet he still cared about me. This was about 6 years ago, so he may've forgotten. I told him that I also had someone that I thought about ... and I went on to tell him about EXbf.

I never imagined that we would ever meet again, or I would feel anything, except friendship. We clicked instantly. He even remembers the first thing I said, 30+ years ago. When we saw each other, we recognized one another, and hugged ... I felt him trembling (maybe he was cold?). I have to let him go, from my mind and heart and memory. It was not meant to be.

I realize now ... there is no going back. Whatever my H is doing, or not, should not impact how I behave. I still care so much for H. I wish we could find a way to get back to each other, to forge a new and better R. I have been here, sometimes fighting for him, sometimes just waiting. I have done all I can ... improving/working on myself (ongoing process), detaching ... all the things a person should do to db.

There is nothing left to do, except wait or leave (while continuing on with my life). For now, I seem to be immobile, so I wait. H is away again for 2 weeks.