H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

More and more, external forces in my life are helping me keep things together. I seem to have become hypersensitive to H's rejection lately, more than before. I am entering this new stage where every negative move he makes seems to be pushing me out of the door. I always wonder if he has to fight the impulse as much as I have to. If not for praying, friends and this board, I would have not had the strength to keep quiet and hold on.

So yesterday, H was being such a jerk. We were supposed to have many chores to finish, and I asked him a few questions here and there about things, and he just ignored me, or was really short on me. I finally just decided to go shopping with D12. While out, he called me and asked if we wanted to go to a shopping outlet around an hour away. D12 refused, saying we were already having fun together. Good for her. He went and bought himself an expensive new designer suit and some several shirts, spending so much! Good thing he earns well or I will be really angry. It made me resolve though to start saving, as I do have to make sure our family's finances remain stable. So far though I have never seen him spend for OW (except to send her flowers one time and a couple fo restaurant expenses during the time he went to visit her last year).

I remind myself that I have dreams for the future, and that blowing up now would put those in jeopardy. Whether it is life with or without H.

Last night I dreamed of reconciliation. I dreamed that OW moved back to her home country and that she did not even say goodbye to H. H and I were going with a group for something , an overnight retreat or a charity medical mission (something we used to do a lot before we married), and we were sleeping together in the same bed, and I was holding him while he cried, confessing everything about the EA and saying he felt used by both OW and her parents. It felt so real, and he was asking for my forgivess. Oh, if only dreams could come true.

Here I am again at the threshold of a new day, praying that I could keep it together. Just one day at a time, Lord.