Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Have had a few more interesting conversations with H. He continues to need to "escape" to his place. When he does, he often feels better and then comes back over to the house at 1 or 2 in the morning and hops into bed with me. He's usually apologetic and R talks ensue. He told me flat out that part of what he's struggling with is that the "spark" that was once present in our R is gone. Basically, I think he's trying to say he's not "in love" with me. And that bothers him and confuses him because logistically, according to him, due to my changes, I'm everything he could ever want.

I told him that if he DID feel that, I would find that strange. We have been apart for a year. He started pulling back WAY before that. I'm a different person, he's a different (and broken) person. It's going to take time. But also, I mentioned, he's still not over x-OW. I told him that I understood that. He ended that R not because he didn't care for her, but because he felt he needed to keep the marriage together for the sake of D. The fact that it continues to have nothing to do with me stings a lot, but in a way, I don't completely buy it.

While he was gone and with OW, he STILL texted me and emailed me things he was interested in. He still had lunch/dinner with D and I on occasion and talked with me more than D. When he was overdrugged up and confused in the middle of the night, it was ME he contacted. In a way, while he was with OW, he couldn't let go of ME. I don't think he's every really thought of that. I don't think he has the perspective yet to know that. And I don't think he may even remember a lot of that.

Anyhow, I told him that ending the R with x-OW in that way kind of left it hanging. It didn't die a normal death, it was kind of rudely interrupted (by him, but nevertheless, it was sudden). And by his own admission, he's kind of stringed her along this whole time. I told him that while I understood the reasons, as long as he hadn't closed that door completely, there was no way of "working on us". It cannot be done while simultaneously maintaining contact with her. He said little, but did admit quietly that he probably wasn't completely over her yet.

He mentioned that he was considering extending his lease a few months. I told him to do what he needed to do. In a way, I think that would be a good decision. I have been quite worried about his ability to maintain sanity in our home when he can't stay a full 24 hours without needing to escape. Once I again, I reiterated the importance of doing introspective work on himself. He continues to try and change his environment in the hopes that he will feel better. I reminded him that we have no REAL control of our environments and things can change on a dime. Only by being in control of ourselves can we truly find peace.

Despite the slow progress, I do see progress in him. He recently, of his own volition, bought a book about changing your perspective in life. It was written by a psychologist who doesn't just dish out "self-help lingo". He actually makes hypotheses, tests them, and finds out what works. Often, it's strange simple things that work. Anyhow, H has been talking to me about some of the things he's read. His ability to read a book is still very lacking. H has always been a voracious reader and pre-MLC, H could read a whole novel in a day. Now, his MLC brain seems to limit his ability to concentrate. He's lucky if he gets through 2 chapters in a sitting. It's frustrating for me to watch, but it is what it is.

So these next few weeks will be interesting. If he DOES move back, it has to be this week. But like I said, I actually kind of hope he waits a bit. I think he's rushing things. Next week, his parents and sister's family are vacationing in a nearby town. We will be going out there to spend time with them. H has formally requested that I go along. So that will mean that the 3 of us will have to stay together for the weekend. Add that normal stress to the stress of his family and my poor H is in for a real test. As am I.