Today is OK

[Sanderika]

(((((Cas)))))

I imagine you and I feel like the same emotionally today.

This is really hard to navigate and live.

Even though the conversations are a bit different and we are different people from you and H, my H and I are having the exact same actions and results.

Your recent experience mirrors my latest (within the past 60 days) to a T. I, like you, need to figure out the best way to move forward.

After reading about your conversation with H, I believe that you were given a glimpse of H out of the tunnel, a brief trip outside btw. From the moment that you received the birthday invite until YOU asked of the OW's whereabouts, your H was poking his head out.

IMO, things are not all that great between H and OW....there is a reason she moved out and chose a suburb a good distance away. He will guard the real reason, you may never know the truth. He is not ready at the same time to give up on what he perceives is a worthy relationship.

He is not very close to the end of this MLC thing. He is still being defensive and protective about the OW and that relationship. This is the problem.

In my case this is a definite. I and everyone else hear and see the turmoil OW causes my H, at the same time he see her negatives and psycho behavior he is still hanging on to it. I have to wonder if their hanging on to OW is also a drug to them and they are addicted to it.

Beatrice is right. She has spoken to me on your last thread and she has a lot to listen and adhere to. You and I need to make a plan and put it in motion with or without our H. They have had enough time to make things right. They appear to want to while they fall very short at actions and choices and this game they play is devastating to us and our families. I know as long as we enable this behavior they will continue on without facing the problems and making the changes. NOTHING WILL CHANGE

Our Hs have been entertaining with these OW for a very long time. Beatrice is right. They will take a very long time to get over. Some may not be able to.

Your H became very defensive at the very moment he felt cornered by you. You have done nothing wrong. He is wrong. He is not ready to continue. He felt pursued and for the most part scared by you because you were getting too close. Things were at his instigation, which was fine with him....it was his idea. Turn the table and when you presented yourself to him he panicked. He is still very selfish and wants to call all the shots. This is where I feel my H is. I fear that this will not change.

They say that once you start to see honesty and humbling that this is closer to the end more so than any time previously. They need patience not rushing.

This may be what is happening in both of our sitches. They will remain holding on to the MLC for as long as they can. Do we sit and be patient and nurture when they seek us. OR Do we close that door and lock it.

The problem is we have no idea if they are truly emerging or not. We could be prolonging the journey. We could be helping it to finish. If we knew at what place this was we would know what to do. This is why they tell us to leave them out there.

I think you should not initiate any further contact with him. Let him stew. Let him make the moves. If he is interested he will not be able to stay away. He will pop by either through a visit, skype, text.....whatever he feels comfortable with at the time.

Your H has copped a very cocky attitude, this is because he is feeling pressured to choose YOU. I have lived this, this is from my experience. I am not putting a gun to his head and neither are you to yours. This is a great example of their state of mind. Paranoia describes it well.

I am planning to do just this with H upon his return. I have no plans to speak to him. I am planning to avoid him. I know for a fact he will seek me. I know him.

Leave your H alone to think. I would not remind of a Wed. dinner. I would let it go. IF...he initiates....then your H IS emerging. If he initiates, I would go. I would put all my negativity away for the evening and muster up a wonderful fun personality. It might be fake, I would make it work. NO MENTION TO HIM OF THE OW. THIS IS A SUBJECT THAT CAN ONLY BE DISCUSSED IF THEY BRING IT UP.

From now til then go about your day with stuff you like and be busy and upbeat. If H pops up take it one at a time. If your busy, ignore. If your curious, speak. If your speaking, be kind and happy. If he shows up in person, be welcoming.

I also don't want just a friendship with H while he is with any OW. If this goes that way here, my H will be told that a friendship is not possible. The real reason is that I do not condone his choice or behavior.

(((((Cas)))))) I am standing beside you. I hope this was helpful.

Sanderika