M “yeah I just saw that lol 90yrs old with a fb he doesn’t have a pic up yet”
W “nah he will prob put up some random pic from the internet”
M “yeah some palace in Egypt or something like that”
W “did I tell you about the other job. It’s mine if I want it”
M “oh yeah congratz”
W “yeah one crap job for another 30yrs old working a dead end job”
M “well you’ll figure it out”
W “the good thing about the new job if I take it is that I will work nights which will free me up during the day to find a real company to work for”
M “this is true”
W “there are no options though, not where I live”
M “there are always options”
W “like what?”
M “there are options there is never just one rd to take”
W “like what us getting back together?”
M “I guess that could always be an option if it is something you would want”
W “how is that H”
M “I still love you W”
W “I never said I did not love you H”
M “I am happy to hear it. Our M is fragile but I would be lying if I did not say I did not want to save it. I do. Nothing I have gone through has been for us or for our M. In the beginning yes. Everything I did to change was in wishing you would come back. I realized along the way that I was fooling myself if I thought I could change anything for our benefit. I had to change it for my benefit if not I was not really changing anything. The distance has actually allowed me to love you more than I ever did because I have taking my time to work on me and to learn about you. My feelings have not changed they have become clearer. I realize that I will be ok either way. I don’t love you until you come back. I love you regardless of whether you do or not. Regardless of the choices you make. Do I think we can work on our M? Sure. Do I think it is possible? Yep. But that is just how I feel. We did the best we could with what we had, now we have different tools”
W “I see it differently though. I don’t miss you the way you miss me. What gets me down is that now you listen to me but you never did before.. It was hard for me to share my feelings to begin with but you made it harder. Now I am extremely guarded especially with you but with my friends with my family even with my mother. Now I have to protect myself and my feelings. You think I go about life not thinking and that I am happy. I am not. I am a care taker I like to take care of people I like to feel needed. But what I really want is for someone to take care of me. I made the assumption that you were going to take care of me the way I wanted you to take care of me. You can call it gullible, naïve, or being stupid. I know you think we can work things out but there is no way that would work. I will never walk in those shoes again”
M “I would never ask you too. I have accepted that our M is dead as it should be. I realize we did the best we could with what we knew. Along the way I made many many mistakes I realize that. I have learned many lessons; I have you to thank for that”
W “good your welcome. I was not a priority in your life. You mother was, you allowed her to do whatever and say whatever she wanted. I allowed her to push me out of my own house. I was naïve. I have learned many lessons also although you prob won’t like the lessons I have learned. I will NEVER walk in those shoes again. To repeat the same scenario? What would be different? You are still you and I am still me. We are the same people.”
M “oh but we are not. I don’t think you are the same woman at all. I can tell when you talk to me. You have grown ”
W “maybe not. Maybe we are different. That Is not a bad thing either. I will never play second fiddle to anyone again not for you not for anyone. There is not another woman in the world that would walk in those shoes. I knew someday you would see it. I knew you would come to that realization. I am glad you did. As for me? I am not repeating the same mistake again. I have discovered that at the end of the day the only person that will take care of me is me, I don’t need you to take care of me I don’t need for you to make me happy. I have gone on my own and you know what? I can do it. Now I am pi$$ed, I don’t mean to be but I get angry. I was not a good M according to you I was not a good W according to you. I knew that if we had kids it would have been an even bigger fight because your mom was not going to do with our kids what she was doing with D. It was just another fight waiting to happen. I would of just left later. I would of left with our kids. You mom would of just put in your head that I was treating one kid different than the other or I was doing this or doing that. I would of not been true but you would not have seen it. I wasn’t this evil wicked person when you weren’t around even though that is the story you heard. Instead of taking my side you took everyone’s side but mine. You want me to repeat that? No way. I don’t want to hurt the R with your mother or for you to hate her that is how I feel about it. You always say you like the brutal honest truth. Well there you have it”
M “ you won’t hurt the R with my mother W, As you know she is moved out and anything she did she did because I allowed it. In the end the fault lies with me. Just for the record I want you to know that I always thought you were a great mother and a fantastic W it was my short comings as a H that allowed this thing to get to this point. What I should of done is gone with my instinct the first time you mentioned my mom moving and in and said no. I should of stuck to my guns. I should of followed my gut the 3 times I wanted her out and I was convinced not to. I should of done a lot but I didn’t. Obviously I did not think we would end up here. I should of not worried about what anyone else was thinking and just done it”
W “yeah we can should have our life away. Had that 3rd party not been there maybe we could of worked on our M maybe we could have made it. That is in the past, I don’t get out of this without fault but that is what we do learn from our mistakes. We don’t go back and repeat them. Nah, I could never go back too much hurt and I am way too guarded to make anything work. I can’t walk in those shoes again”
M “I would never ask you to do that again”
W “Good because the answer would be NO”
Couple seconds of silence after that.
W “well I am sorry the conversation turned so dreary”
M “No that’s alright. I don’t think it was dreary, honesty is best I think. You know I like honesty regardless of it comes out”
W “I think I am going to get something to eat.”
M “me too. I am getting kind of hungry”
W “well if I don’t talk to you this weekend I will call you sometimes next week”
M “Have a good weekend”
I did not intent for the convo to go this way. I guess I should have expected it. This convo was actually yesterday but I was pretty shook after it and did not feel like posting. At some point we all have to face our reality, I am slowly facing mine. It does not take away from all the great advice and support I have received in this wonderful place and I don’t discount the DB tactics in the lease. I am at a cross roads as to what I want to do. I am not sure at this point……………………………………………………….
