WAW tearing up our family part II

[FellOnBlackDays]

Iron, take a deep breath, buddy. Yes, it is upsetting that they are willing to break up the family. I know in my heart that I still struggle with the abandonment aspect of S. But, you can't go at her with comments from around the corner like that. It is just not fair to her regardless of what she wants to do. That flies in the face of all DBing principles.

I do want to commend you though. You do recognize that your behavior is not good and it was good that you came her to vent instead of venting to her. Both very good moves.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[sandi2]

Some of this sounds like you are dealing with a WAW. In fact, when she showed concern for you being out till 1:00...that was a positive move from her.

What I want to warn you about is that thin line your walking right now. You've experienced a lot of emotions during this stitch. You are angry, and I'm not saying you shouldn't be, but anger won't draw her back. Being relaxed and dropping the emotional rope has a better chance.

But the main thing I want to point out is to please be careful and don't allow your anger to make you mean and nasty. What you said to your WAW about telling the baby she's a bad person.....that just made you mean and low down. You don't stoop to the level of a WAW. As Coach use to tell us, strength and honor.

(hugs)

[ironMan]

Thanks, FOBD and Sandi. Yes, you are right. I have done pretty well all in all .... but I do slip.

And, I'm starting to wonder if I want anything at all to do with a woman who thinks splitting our family up is an option. Not sure that's the person I want for the rest of my life anymore.

[sandi2]

It's the emotions that you go through. We see this on a regular bases here on the board. It's your anger talking. But, the bottom line is you still love her.

Emotions can mask the truth sometimes. Have a healthy outlet and keep moving.

((hugs))

[JustStunned]

Ironman, IMO Sandi’s right the conv was rooted in anger and anger is a normal emotion to have. Having feelings is part of what makes us human. You already acknowledged the anger was not constructive. Can you use the energy associated with it to motivate someting more positive in you?

In a former life maintaining bearing during emotional strain was a virtue. Breaking bearing was a sin. I try to remember that when “acting as if”

The analogy Sandi referred to about dropping the rope is a good one. IMO Ideally one should have enough detachment from the emotions of one’s sitch to not be affected by them. “Like water off a ducks back” the emotions should just flow away. I struggle with this also, but I am getting better.

I have not experienced this yet, but I understand the theory when our spouses realize we are no longer affected by their actions and are moving on without them, they will likely become curious and test to see if we truly have “dropped the rope” How that interaction flows determines what occurs next.

Like you I do not know if I will want the person W will eventually become in my life again. I know I do not want the person I perceive she is now. So I dropped the rope. She is too fogged in to notice. She may never notice. I have to accept that and focus on the things I can control.

You have an infant/small child. This makes all of this doubly tough. You cannot control how she mothers this child. You cannot control her decisions affectting the family. You can control how you react. You can control how you father this child. Be the best father you can be.

[OnMyWay]

I've gotta chime in here and say, "ironman, you are an inspiration!"

I've been dealing with a WAW who moved out three weeks ago. It is a rough ride, but I really appreciate you sharing, as I believe you are handling yourself beautifully.

It is interesting that many of the same things you are going through and feeling exactly mirror my situation. Especially of late, where I seriously question whether or not she is worth taking back.

Keep up the good work, keep posting, and know you aren't alone in this situation. And, with every post, you are helping our another guy who's going through the exact same thing.

[ironMan]

Thanks Sandi.

JustStunned ... it really helped me reading that. Thanks for your input. It is all in line with what I've been doing .... but its good to look at the map again to remember what my plan is.

[ironMan]

Hey, thanks for that OnMyWay. That was really great to hear. Yes, there does seem to be a lot of similarity in a lot ot teh situations.

You stay strong yourself. Take care of yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its a horrible journey .. but it won't kill you.

[OnMyWay]

Won't kill me at all - you either.

Since W left, I've discovered my life has improved dramatically for me. Yes, I'd take her back for the sake of our family, but not until we both complete some dramatic changes - I'm guessing I'm way ahead in that department. There's no way either of us would be willing to go back to crappy marriage we both grew into. Just not worth it.

[ironMan]

So, I have been pressing W about what she wants to do with our house. She complained for years that she wanted to sell it .. but then when we started getting ready to put the house on the market, she had serious reservations.

I created a spreadsheet to show her what the financial impact would be. Our mortgage is MUCH cheaper than renting a similar place where I could have the dogs.

She just got .. upset I dunno ... basically feeling sorry for herself.

She kept talking about "when she moves out". So I finally said "yes, when will that be?"

She said that a friend we know has a boyfriend who's tenant will be moving out of a condo ... and it is by her office ... so she is going to rent that place. Well, that is 30 mins from our house. Good luck picking D up from daycare, honey. Brilliant! She still didn't tell me WHEN.

On Sat, I took the daughter to a St Patrick's day parade. She loved it and we had a great time together.

On Sunday, I went to this place where I meditate (sensory deprivation tank actually) and worked hard on trying to understand W's perspective of the world.

I am trying really hard to see what her viewpoint is. And to some extent, I do understand it. I think I'm ok with whatever happens next. If W breaks our family up ... that is her problem. She can explain to D how that happened when it comes time. That's not my problem either. As a parent, you want to protect your kids from pain ... but I can't do it. If W is going to screw up this little girl's childhood, there is unfortunately not much I can do about it besides make sure that the time she spends with me is good. Already, daughter is gravitating towards me more than W. This is tearing W up too.

But, W, your actions have consequences ..... what you do in life IS who you are .... what you say ... is worthless.

So, I choose to live my life the way I would want my daughter to live hers. Mommy has to go on her own road now. I don't understand why exactly either honey. I'm sorry.

So, I have to figure out what to do about the house. If its worth $4k spent over a year to rent a house while she figures her life out.

And, I am working on being more sympathetic to what she's experiencing. But, I am REALLY not sure that I can respect her anymore. Just because somebody is confused and going thru pain .... just make anything they do justifiable. While INSANITY may be a valid legal defense, it doesn't make it ok for the victims.