The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Yeah, don't get me wrong. My mind looks for "why" all the time. I'm a super-curious person to begin with. Once, when I left a job years ago, they gave me a book of answers to all kinds of trivial things. They used to joke about it but I love that book.
The thing is, I like a good puzzle. I do. But this is not a solveable puzzle. At least not by me. I know that. I accept that. I ask why anyway, not because I need an answer to this, but because it is who I am. Always have been and likely will be.
I can honestly say I still love her. But not in the same way. I cannot picture myself with her. Not even walking beside her on the street. I used to look at what she said and trusted her to do what she said. I don't any longer. I learned. I thought for a while it might be me or something about the way I was towards her. It wasn't. This divorce has very little to do with me and I know that. I've gone over everything about me, us, our past etc. Belive me, I have had a long time to do that and many sleepness nights looking and searching for things. I did find some things about me I didn't like. I changed them long ago. There were not too many, and many were reactionary behaviors. I don't like to react but rather prefer to act. That is one reason it took me so long to change some of the things I didn't like - I refused to believe I was reacting to something. But I was.
I don't even ask why she wanted out any longer. I still don't understand it, but come to realize I won't and that even if I did, it is meaningless. Instead I look at the actions. Past and present. And I choose to deal with those as I have to in the best way that I can. I am at peace with that.
I have not been protective of the kids w regards to the time. I was jealous. My mind was screaming, "don't you know what she did?!??" or "don't you know that man is not her 'friend'?!??" I don't do that any longer. Instead, I choose to let that go.
I realize my emotions are still around. They are not as strong as they once were, but I do still work on things. I do still realize that I have to deal with her and loathe that time when I do. Why? Because I don't appreciate being treated that way. By anyone. And I've been treated poorly for a very long time without lashing out. It's stressful, but I find that it brings me more peace if I let it go than if I react. Most of the time. Some times it is appropriate to get angry and react to the junk she pulls. For respect if nothing else.
I also realize that she has to fight very hard to not respect me. I get that. I don't take pride in that but I recognize it. And the more I think about it, it's possible that's why she had tears in her eyes when talking to me the other day. It may have been that rage being held back and being scared that I'll be what she has constructed in her mind. I at least can admire that she faced me anyway. I have no respect for her. I feel sorry for her sometimes, but that passes quickly. She made her choices. I am making mine. The rest will be dealt with as it comes up.
I look back and know I treated her well. I know that because I went back over all of it a while back. I could see with clarity there was NOTHING else I could have done at any time in our relationship. I am at peace with that. I know that I'll find somebody else and be able to have a great relationship with them. Not because I've changed greatly, but because I can and I because I will change with somebody else. And be very happy with that.

What's ahead? There be dragons...

Peace,
AJ