A New Day?

[islander]

I feel like W has pulled back even more today. I went out of town with my SD and D today for the weekend. It was a good ride up here. I talked to W on the phone and she seemed a little distant. She then sent me a couple of texts about our fish and dog, which she answered right away. I knew I shouldn't, but I then asked her if there was anything wrong, if we were still doing ok. NO RESPONSE. I feel like crying, I am crying, and I feel like any progress that was made may have disappeared.

Here I go assuming things again, but WTF. After everything we talked about, what happened. I think I am going to go back to not talking to her about anything but what is necessary. But then IDK. I will atleast nit contact her at all, and let her completely control where the conversation goes.

Thus feels like it hurts almost as bad as in the first few weeks.

[♪CS♪]

I think you need to pull back, let her set the tempo of this. Just continue to be strong and caring, that is all she needs from you right now.

[islander]

I am definitely going to pull back. It just really hurts after everything that happened the past couple of days and everything we talked about.

Her XH called me today after be spoke to one of there mutual friends. My W told their friend that she ended her A and was going to work on our M. Can she possibly change her. Ind so quickly?

I know the answer to that......

[islander]

She just sent me a text and said she was sorry, nothing is wry g, that she left her phone in the car for a minute.

Might be true, might not be. I know how I feel. I need to let her control where this goes. I know one thing for sure, I am not in the drivers seat, and not even a front seat passenger at thus point. And nobody likes a backseat driver. I don't know if I am even in the car. I think I am...

[sandi2]

You are not ready for her to come home b/c you'll blow it. She's not ready by a long shot!

You are pursuing, smothering, assuming, wondering, doubting, and panicked. No, you're not ready.

Here is something I've seen as a common thread in LBH's. I don't know if it's just a man thing or what, but you have one thing and one thing only as your target and that's to get her home and committed 100% to working on the M. Right? I have seen in over & over in posts from the LBH's. But it doesn't solve things and it puts a lot of pressure on the R when the two of you are thrown back into that close environment and trying to pick up the pieces of your lives again. I think it puts too much pressure and one (usually the WAS) will crack under the stress and leave again.

So, you need to forget it! Yes, I said forget it--or you'll ruin everything! She can't commit right now. She's trying to do what she knows is the "right" thing to do, but her emotions are not cooperating. She is going through some really bad stuff and she's got a lot to come to grips with just within her own soul. She will be up and down for a long time.

Somebody else has tried to point out that coming back home too soon is not always good and it could lose your chance of working this R out. I think going to C and working it out before she comes back into the house would be much better. Then it could be like celebrating a new M. But I don't think you have all the tools you need right now. You have good intentions.....but how far does that get you?

That is why you've got to stop this craziness of getting her back in the house. That is not the answer to your problems. I think she is using good sense not to rush back. She's telling you to not push...give her breathing room and take this a step or baby-steps at a time. Wiull you listen, or will you continue to push b/c you think the most important issue is to get her back home?

I also do not think it is healthy for her to discuss any intimate part of her A with OM. Not with you. There are many testimonies of how once that information has entered into your brain...it is very difficult to get past and move forward without it being in the forefront of every thought.

[sandi2]

Oh, BTW, when I said forget it, I didn't mean to forget about R the M. I meant to forget the notion of her moving back home right now. I think that's what you'll have to do to calm down and stop pushing her. KWIM?

Don't allow the fear you are experiencing to ruin things now.

(hugs)

[Denver_2010]

Islander... I am in a very similar situation as you right now, and i agree with Sandi 100%. I have not pressured my W at all to move forward ... but it is happening ... just at her pace.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

I think I am going to stop focusing on her moving back in. I need to slow down and take things at her pace. If she decides to move back in, it will be because she wants to, not bc I begged her. Thinking about it that way puts me a little more at ease.

I also told her that I did not need to know any of the details of the A. I know what happens bs two people. That is not my focus anyway. I can get past that. I just try to imagine starting a new relationship with my W, and realize that she had relationships bf she met me, just like we both did.

[sandi2]

That sounds much better. Is she going to talk to the C alone, before the two of you see him?

[islander]

Yes. I found a counselor and she told me to make an appointment. I told her that she needed to 1 call the counselor first and make sure she felt comfortable talking to him, and 2 make an appt to see him first, then I would make my appt shortly after hers.

I told her it was important tha we both agree on the C, if she did not feel comfortable, we would find somebody else.

The C that I found has almost 40 years exp, is pro marriage, and will not even see you if one spouse is currently in an A. He said be meets with eCh person individually bf bringing us together.

My W agreed to call him and see if she felt comfortable with him. I think she is going to call Monday.