H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Good thing I am at work. During the first few months post bomb, I could NOT work. Now I look at it as such a welcome distraction.

I like the term Defense Mode. I agree with you, I think the difference now is that I feel I want to protect myself from being constantly rejected. Its no longer an escape from pain, as am no longer in deep pain. And your comment on not beating him to death .... you know, I sleep beside H still, and it takes a lot of energy to stop myself from doing just that!!!! I sometimes just leave an go to D12's room when I am feeling just that.....

Its true my emotions can turn on a dime, and one of the things I am trying to learn more and more is self control.

I do have DR, and I do go read it over and over. I also read Love and Respect, Love Languages, Love Dare, books by Max Lucado. Lately though I have been not so motivated, and have not been reading.

I don't want to give up, but maybe I need a vacation....

[angel61]

Whew, i made it through yesterday. I never realized that fighting those feelings were so tiring. I was so exhausted by the end of the day that I fell asleep curled at the foot of the bed while listening to H teach math to D12.

I got out of work early coz I felt I was going to explode. I then sobbed loudly on the drive home. After picking up D12, I prayed the rosary. Then I went to the gym, but spent around 40 minutes talking to a friend from church about how I felt. She had many good suggestions of which I will be implementing some of them today - especially the one about a massage. I think I have to learn to pamper myself more to get through this! She reminded me to be a rock for D12, and helped my ego by telling me that I have been strong through all this.

When I got home from gym, H was home, and I said I wasn't eating coz I was too tired, and he proceeded to make me some food, telling me that if I needed anything I should just tell him and he will do it.

D12 then gave us a minor problem last night, she did not like the way I was teaching her her math homework and demanded that Dad teach her. We eneded up doing it together, and later, H told me not to takeoffense as he actually had promised D12, it was not because of my style or anything. I was touched by this, as he normally would find fault with how I handle D12.

He also work up in a good mood, chatting to me about various safe topics (news, etc.) so hopefully, we can live a calmer existence in the next few days. Again, take each day as it comes.

He appears to be in a "nesting" stage - getting back into tghe daily routine he is used to. There is some comfort in that for all of us.

I will just keep on praying and staying strong.

[Grace_O]

Angel,

It was nice that your H explained what he had told your D about helping with the math.

Keep in mind that kids emotions can be just as wonky as yours (and his) in all of this. Sadly they can internalize all of this to mean it's their fault somehow. You are clearly sharp enough and strong enough to help your D with whatever comes up.

And yes, it is totally exhausting. Take care of yourself or you can't take care of anybody else.


HUGS

[Lorie1964]

Angel,

I am praying for you! I know this is hard, but look for the positives and be thankful for those. Your H is there and around, my H is not and is deeply involved with OW. I am thankful when I get to see him and he shows concern for D16. I have read here before about being the lighthouse that draws H home. This reminded me about being the Light of Christ. Be that light. You are doing great and stand strong in your faith.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Hebrews 11:1, 6

If you are on Facebook. Type in "The 40 Day Challenge" here is the link, I am not sure it will work or not The 40 Day Challenge It is an awesome challenge for wives and their marriages.

Blessings!

[angel61]

Hi Lorie, I started with the 40 day challenge. I saw your posts there as well. Thank you, I have been thinking of making a Lenten promise and this could be it.

I also noticed that H seems to be serious about Lent this year as well. He reminded me this morning that it is Friday today and to make sure I abstain from eating meat. He also remembered to fast on Ash Wednesday. I don't remember him being like this in the past few years.

Another promise I have made to myself and to the Lord is to try to pray the Rosary everyday. I have a rosary given to me by my mom that she had even before I was born. This has been with me everyday and even when I once left it in a hotel room, it miraculously found its way back to me.

I am so glad I have my faith. I do believe that all of this happens for a reason, and that the Lord will take care of us.

[Lorie1964]

I am so glad that you are doing the Challenge. It is really good and I am glad I have a friend from here who is doing it with me.

My D16 and I have made a pledge to say the Rosary once a week for H during Lent. We usually do a something as a family as well as our personal abstinences. I know H did not go to Ash Wednesday Mass, but he does go to Mass every other weekend with D16, so that is hopeful.

I am glad your H is taking it more seriously and this is a GOOD thing. Though God gives us free will, he divinely, supernaturally influences people to follow His will, which is good. So, taking Lent seriously will be very good for H. It is a blessing.

[angel61]

More and more, external forces in my life are helping me keep things together. I seem to have become hypersensitive to H's rejection lately, more than before. I am entering this new stage where every negative move he makes seems to be pushing me out of the door. I always wonder if he has to fight the impulse as much as I have to. If not for praying, friends and this board, I would have not had the strength to keep quiet and hold on.

So yesterday, H was being such a jerk. We were supposed to have many chores to finish, and I asked him a few questions here and there about things, and he just ignored me, or was really short on me. I finally just decided to go shopping with D12. While out, he called me and asked if we wanted to go to a shopping outlet around an hour away. D12 refused, saying we were already having fun together. Good for her. He went and bought himself an expensive new designer suit and some several shirts, spending so much! Good thing he earns well or I will be really angry. It made me resolve though to start saving, as I do have to make sure our family's finances remain stable. So far though I have never seen him spend for OW (except to send her flowers one time and a couple fo restaurant expenses during the time he went to visit her last year).

I remind myself that I have dreams for the future, and that blowing up now would put those in jeopardy. Whether it is life with or without H.

Last night I dreamed of reconciliation. I dreamed that OW moved back to her home country and that she did not even say goodbye to H. H and I were going with a group for something , an overnight retreat or a charity medical mission (something we used to do a lot before we married), and we were sleeping together in the same bed, and I was holding him while he cried, confessing everything about the EA and saying he felt used by both OW and her parents. It felt so real, and he was asking for my forgivess. Oh, if only dreams could come true.

Here I am again at the threshold of a new day, praying that I could keep it together. Just one day at a time, Lord.

[Grace_O]

I found it was really typical for my H to either not respond or be short with me. One of the things he told me was that when I would talk to him about certain things, he felt like I was expecting him to come up with a solution right away (pressure). Even when I was just filling him in on things going on with D's he felt this way.

I don't know if this is what's going on with your H. I like that you decided to go out with your D though. Removing both yourself and her from the tension, when possible can help you both to breathe.

HUGS

[angel61]

Update ......and needing input!

I started the day calmly, and H decided to go see the tax guy at around lnchtime, telling me to get dressed as well as I may have to follow for signatures. Long story short, we waited for him, did not prepare lunch as we were ready to go out. I asked him what we were doing for lunch and he said lets talk later. D got hungry, ate junk, then I learned he already ate and never told us! This really got me upset. In our household it is sort of understood that H takes care of food, especially as he has always not wanted me to be in the kitchen, he is territorial about it, doesn't even want me to handle his cookware.

This incident led to a long R talk.

I feel that more and more, this mess is getting deeper, and I no longer know what to do next.

This I knew, and again, it was talked about : H is miserable, says he wants his freedom, says it has nothing to do with OW. He is depressed, in pain, can't even talk to me, look at me. He is eaten up with guilt, he knows he is hurting me and D, and he wishes he could just die.

BUT: he has been miserable he says especially the last 4 months since OW cut him off, although they have been talking lately, with him helping OW with her research projects (remember my dream about OW just using him? I have a feeling after what he said that this is probably true).

He tells me he knows the relationship with OW won't prosper, but he needs to find out for himself. He knows it doesn't make sense but that is how he feels. He says that since our talk last December , where I made him choose between our family and OW, has made him miserable because he is stuck.

Again, he questioned why I can't just let him be free while we are still together. Let him see OW, lift the boundaries I gave him. It would make him less miserable, we would still be his priority since we are his family. Really now.

My resonses to all that:

I let him know that I was in pain too, and that many times I have wanted to give up as wel, even also wished myself dead, just like him. It would be the easy path. But not one that I believe in. We both know it is not the right time, he has acknowledged this as well, it will just all make us spiral down into deeper depression, destroy all that we are. Not only financially, but career wise, and also D12's psychological state.

We already had a discussion about this. I told him I was on the path to acceptance, that I did not want to see him suffering, and we had decided that the best way was for him to support me as I tried to work on my license so that I could have a meaningful existence, without the hassles of my present job and the need to travel a lot.

In the meantime, while working this all out, I want to be a good parent, I have looked to all the external resources available, have gone to therapy, talked to people who can help me ease my pain so I can function. I feel I have done a pretty good job of it.

He tells me that D12 is his priority as well. He would have gone long ago if not for her, if not for him still wanting to keep the family together, if not for his sense of responsibility as a father. But he is also thinking that with him being so depressed, he is dysfunctional, and bringing more stress to us that help, and maybe it would be better if he just left, but this concept of leaving seems unclear still to him - separation? Legal? Divorce? He keeps on saying though that he wants us to be friends, to be not bitter about it, to be able to be together for special occasions. But in the end, we could not really figure out the best thing, we would get emotional about just chucking it all to the winds, no final decisions were made, I am not going to make that decision for him,and neither does he seem to want to make it, and so I guess we are still status quo.

But I pointed out that he is not doing anything to help alleviate the depression he is feeling which makes life really difficult for us! I asked him then if he would please consider going to MC, or retrouvaille, anything! I pointed out that both me and D12 have already been seeking outside help to be able to cope. And that it does make us feel better. I talked to him about us taking a team approach to make this a better time, to plan what we want to make it easier for D12, to think back to what we wanted her to experience in life, as a precious daughter of loving parents.

A few things I said which I should not, I guess, is to point out that even if he leaves, it does not mean to say that me and D12 won't be miserable. And I talked aboutthe effect that divorce has on the children, because it hurts me that he minimizes it, especially as he should know better, being a doctor himself.

He seems to be afraid that all of this efforts are to make us reconcile. He keeps on asking me if this is so we could get back together again.

I told him that the way I view it, it is to find out if we could make it work. If we can't then at least we know we have tried. Also, it is to make us learn how to handle this next few years, so we could work on being friends before we separate, if we will.

I am not certain why he is so afraid that it might work out again. Because he did say that he prayed a lot before that things would work out OK, he prayed that God would give him feelings for me, but it did not happen. So he feels something for someone else, is not even positive that there will be something that will come out of that, and yet he is afraid to work on our marriage?

Anyway, he did finally agree to try Retrouvaille, and even MC as well. He tried to make a condition for me though - that he would come if I promise not to be bitter if we separate later, but I told him I could not make any promises at this point, and that for me, one of the reasons for doing all of this is to work on not being bitter.

so for NOW:

I think I am more confused than ever. I truly do not know which way to go. I cannot live this way but do not want it to come from me. I think it is the same with him. We are both so miserable.

I cannot even think of how DB fits in. I am still trying to do my 180's, GAL, but what I did over the weekend i know is pursuing and guilting.

Does anyone think going to Retrouvaille, and MC, will be of help for us at this point? We are so stuck.

[Grace_O]

Angel,

I have not gone to Retrouvaille or MC. My H was not intersted in any type of counseling for the M. In my case even if H had been willing to go to MC, it would have been to BS me into thinking he was working on something that he truly wasn't. He wasn't that cruel and knows I would have spotted the deciept and then I would have been really angry.

Your H is so skittish about it being an attempt to reconcile that I would not do MC per se. You know him though, I don't.

Keep in mind though that he may see this as an attempt to have someone else tell him how wrong he is. Men in general (I don't really like global statements) are more shame based. I would tread very carefully here.

I don't know that any "attempt" on his part would really be genuine, other than to work on you not being hostile and doing the "friends" thing.

Have you talked to a DB coach yourself? Are you willing to? I would not bring him in on this. I would use it as a tool for you.


HUGS