Standing up to the punches

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Let's hope it doesn't Karma. I'm an advocate of the book as well.

[Redo]

One nice news today i guess is that our daughter has put on some good weight. She's always been way below the percentile due to her numerous food allergies. Looks like she's slowly outgrowing her alergies. I guess the only bummer is that wife always said that daughter put on weight only when she was at her mom's house and not ours. It feels bad. But i'll be happy anywhere my daughter can thrive.

I am slowly beginning to realize that wife actually never left her family at all. They were always in our lives. every one of them, aunts, cousins, uncles. The best part for her is that they were just 200 miles away from us. I think she constantly compared our lives against what it would be if she were with her family. She always seems happy now that she's with her family.
Funny, I am 6000 miles from mine and just accepted that i would make a life of my own with my wife and child. Looks like she did not feel that way...

Getting cold feet for tomorrow's visit. Have to keep a happy and cheerful face.

I think wife has postponed any signing of final decree until this ceremony is over. So i know that next week might be a nightmare week. Looks like her lawyer is drawing up the final papers. I feel terrible. But i have accepted this. I'll move on. The only thing i gotta figure out is how to be there for my daughter effectively if i do end up with someone else.

[Redo]

So wife calls again afternoon and chit-chats on the phone about daughter's well-visit to the doctor. Just light talk about tomorrow's ceremony. Funny, anyone hearing this would have never suspected that we are about to get divorced.

Sad how far things have come. Just 2 weeks back, i would have been down after this talk, knowing what was coming next. Now...I have just accepted the inevitable. I am being nice to wife. No arguments. But I am also setting the boundaries. Like yesterday she said that L wanted my credit card number. I did not give but asked to why lawyer needed it. W emailed back asking why i was being defensive about the number. I told her that all i wanted to know was the reason. Thats all. Then she emailed the reason. Usually i would have felt bad that i upset my wife. I would have said 'sorry' or something to that effect. I did NOT do it this time. I knew that my request was not irrational. Is she took it the wrong way i cannot help it. Sometimes i feel sad that we have come to this point. But i guess if this did not happen, i would never have realized how destructive i was being to myself and to my relationship with my wife...

[sandi2]

Usually i would have felt bad that i upset my wife. I would have said 'sorry' or something to that effect. I did NOT do it this time. I knew that my request was not irrational.

I think you were very wise in doing that. The fact that she thought you would hand it over without question only shows the type of R the two of you had in the M. That R is over and you will not interact the same way with her. You have to protect yourself...including financially.

[dbmod]

There are aspects of the mentality that is helpful. This book is not recommended.

[Redo]

Update for 03/14

So I visited wife and daughter on Saturday for a learning ceremony. It is usually done right before kids go to school (daughter is starting kindergarten on 21st march).

Before arrival I was totally pumped up, in good spirits and was so sure of myself. Then i saw my daughter and my heart dropped. I have not seen her in 3 months. I just grabbed her, hugged her and went crazy. But i did not shed a tear or cry. I was so happy to see my daughter. Wife was there as were my in-laws. Wife changed a lot too. she was beautiful. Ceremony went okay. It was quite obvious that something was off. Wife was always standing besides her mom. Would not stand next to me. I just was happy hanging around my daughter. I was cordial with my in-laws. But there was not much to say. It was awkward. FIL did mention to me that in 1 year, who knows how things would be, but right now they are bad. I answered back saying that i am not sure where my feelings would be 1 month from now. See they always knew that i was always at beck-and-call of wife. I wanted to let them know that its no longer the case. I am not sure if what i did is right or not. But FIL was silent after that.
After the ceremony daughter and I took off so i can show her the zoo. Wife did not come. I thought that i could pull it off. I was wrong. At the zoo all my crazy emotions came back. I saw happy families with kids...and then i saw myself and my daughter and i could not fathom that this is how her future would be like. I just felt horrible for her and emotionally i could not take it. We spent about 1 hr in the zoo. Then i tried feeding her lunch and she refused. I just wanted her to be happy. So i took her to MCdonalds and we had something to eat. Everytime i looked at her, my heart sank. This is not the future i envisioned for my daughter. I wanted her to grow up happy.

Maybe she is happy. She has no idea what is going on. I am feeling bad because i keep thinking she knows whats going on.

I think the final straw was when we were about leave and she did not. She threw a tantrum. It was my first. I never saw her throw one. Then she started crying that "I want to come with you". She wanted to come back to our home. I did not know what to do and i just broke down. Not a pretty sight doing that in front of your kid. I knew that i will not be able to take it.

So i called my wife, told her we are coming back. Dropped daughter at in-laws home. Oddly wife and i then had about 5 mins worth of conversation. Just about daughter. Then i commented on how wife looks good. Wife asked me to spend some more time with daughter. I told her about how daughter talked about coming home and how i needed to process some of my feelings.

That was it. Then i just drove back home.

A strange visit. My wife was so checked out. I dont know what to feel. Last week i was in pretty good spirits. This week i don't know. Old feelings are returning. I guess it is normal. This has been my first visit and i did have some expectations that wife might be lil closer.

I just feel terrible for my daughter in all this. She's just so precious and i would not wish this situation on anyone to go through this sh*t.

[spellfire]

Keep your chin up bud, this is one of those "1 step back" moments. Allow yourself this, then work on getting back to that positive attitude. It's gonna be a rollercoaster for a while, but eventually the dips wont be as extreme.

[Redo]

Thanks spellfire.

From saturday since i saw my wife and daughter, I have been feeling so bad for my wife. I don't know. To me she looked like she was trying to hold herself in one piece. Sometimes she looked like she was happy. Other times she looked sad.

I just feel so bad for her, i feel like just grabbing her and asking her to come home. She I can provide a much better life for all of us than she is having right now.

Just can't help but feel so extremely helpless in all this.

I am GALing and doing my stuff. But it is gut wrenching to see people you love being miserable. Just can't take it.

[spellfire]

Ah, don't go from feeling sorry for yourself to projecting it onto her.

Your chances improve if she is having a bad time after having left. I am not saying relish her struggling, but accept that those are the natural consequences of her decision.

Your job is to make leaving seem like the worst decision she has ever made, and coming back the best thing she could ever do.

The best way to do that is to live the best life you can. It doesn't hurt to let her know all the cool things you are doing. Dont always invite her, but maybe once in a while if it's something you know she would want to do tell her "Im going to take kid to do xyz, if you wanted to come along, I dont mind."

Underlying message: I am going to do this fun stuff (living my great life) you can come along if you want (indifference, a gift to her if she chooses to take it, her loss if not).

[Redo]

---Journaling ---

I remember this scene from Terminator3 movie when Connor's GF's dad is shot and he tells them to head to mountain in nevada that supposedly holds the skynet core so it can be destroyed. They fight, struggle and get there only to find out that its a bunker designed to survive the inevitable. They were sent there intentionally just so they can survive...

Sometimes i feel like that is what DBing, and more importantly this forum does. It helps us survive the inevitable. Honestly at the beginning of my sitch (mid Jan-11) when i came across this amazing website and the book, i really believed that I can turn the tide around. That soon my wife will come back and we'll all be happy again. I just lived on that hope.

Now, about 3 months down, I am beginning to realize the reality. Reality that wife has checked out forever. That this is the life i have now and what i make of it. Through this time, reading the book and regularly visiting this site has prepared me for the reality. Just as in T3 where connor kept trying to change the fate of the world, i kept hoping the same. I think i have finally realized that i just need to accept and work on getting on from here. This feeling has been coming to me for a week now. Maybe it is a stage. The only thing i pray to god is to keep the fire of love for my wife alive. I need that fire to exist just in case she changes her mind about us. I am so scared that it might die away one day and I might just move on never to look back at her again...