Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

A truism, and I do see it as a truism, is the drastic re-writing of history and the degree of marital strife by a WAS. It pretty much never has anything to do with the OP, and it's always BAD beyond what the other spouse assumes and has taken place for a far longer time. I think most of the time, it's BS and gratituous self-justification.

By all means, and I would highly encourage this, look at your own failings in the marriage, take ownership, change for the better. But I would retain a sense of balance and perspective and call it as I see it when necessary. Let her take ownership for her own contributions too. It's not about "an eye for an eye", it's about trying to move the maariage towards a better place while being grounded in reality.

It took my W about 3 years to come clean and halfway admit it had everything to do with OM, that of course I had failed her in some ways, but it wasn't THAT bad as it seemed in the throes of the A. And no, I didn't pursue that response from her.

Deep. Thank you so much for your input. It is nice to hear from a veteran who has made it through this process.

I agree with you that this fog is re-writing our history. It stinks, but there is nothing that I can do right now but validate her feelings and try and keep perspective for myself. I like who you described the self-gratification. It is almost as if she is trying to justify all that has happened.

In the beginning, she told me numerous times that she was sorry for hurting me. She never wanted that. She is still not at a point where she has ever told me that she was sorry for the betrayal of the A. She has also turned this into her being the victim. It is now her going through the hurt of moving out, not having any money, and seeking an answer to her sexual orientation question. I guess this justification is only helping that process for her.

I will continue to take care of myself and own my faults and use them to improve as a person.

Thanks again, Deep, for that perspective. It was one that my couples therapist didn't even seem to have it in her to say in front of both of us. She could only tell us that we each take certain events or feelings, positive or negative, from our past. That was discouraging where your words were just the opposite.