Starting a new thread to keep my journal going in the hope that some day my posts will show up in less than 48-hours.
My story should be familiar. WAW dropped the ILYBINILWY in October 2010, I snooped around and saw she was spending hours per week on the phone with Ex BF from 20 years ago she re-connected with on Facebook. The OM is going thru M difficulties and is heading for D. My W and OM have been communicating for 8 to 10 months. I blundered around for a few months until finding this Forum and reading DB. I just bought DR a week or two ago and am reading through it. I'm 2 or 3 weeks into my 180, GAL, and Loveing detachment. Wish me luck.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Good luck, bboom. You are taking all the right steps.
Those are my key pieces as well. 180, GAL, detach.
Sometimes it is difficult to stick to them, but it gets better everyday for me. W has begun to notice all of the changes, but I have to remind myself that these are for me and not her. That seems to be counter intuitive to a divorce busting site, but I am starting to realize that I can only change myself. W is on her own to make her choices.
Read and reread DR. I took a highlighter to it and studied it as if it was a textbook from college.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Just got home from work. W had therapy this afternoon, first one in about a month. I'm trying hard not to ask how it went, giving space & loving detachment are tough. I got home a little early, she was in bathroom with her cell phone, probably talking to OM. She goes up there because the kids are downstairs. She knows I'm aware of the frequency & duration of her chats with OM, but I don't bring it up. I figure it is just a matter of time before she drops the "I think I'm in love with him" bomb, and I'm dreading that conversation. How should I react, what is the right DB thing to say when slapped with that?
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I was just checking out another marriage forum on infidelity, and they strongly support sending an "exposure letter" to all my W's friends and family and all the OM's friends as well to publically out the EA/PA? This is exactly the opposite of what I read in DR and DB. I am very confused by this conflicting advice. Many people on the other forum consider detachment to be passive enabling and ineffective. I am trying to come to terms with all this conflicting advice and I need some guidance.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.
bboom, All newbies are all full moderation. That means they don't show up until they are approved. It is the goal to approve posts within 24 hours. Hang in there, you aren't likely to be on full moderation forever.
I have read the DB advice on how to handle infidelity and it seems right to me. .
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Update for today. I'm doing well with my 180 and GAL. I lost 18 pounds in the last year based on my annual physical. Some of that is due to me working out, reducing beer and junk consumption for the last month and some is probably stress related since W dropped bomb 5 months ago. The hardest thing to do is loving detachment and giving space. W and I have drifted apart in the last year or so because we led parallel lives, but now I am doing the GAL and trying to make my half of our parallel lives more fun, but we seem to be doing less things together. Should I make an attempt to schedule some together activities? I feel that continuing the way things are now just puts more distance between us. Right now the W is getting ready to go out with her GF and she probably will not return until morning.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
W went out to dinner with GF tonight. This is the same GF who is recently divorced and likes my W around on the weekends when her kids are at EXH place. My W tells her everything about our R and gets advice from her, I guess you could call her a toxic friend as far as my M is concerned. W looked good when she was all made up to go out. Should I compliment her, or would she just see that as a ploy to get back in her good graces?
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
