My Wife Wants to Separate

[DeterminedFather]

Thanks to all for the advice. I'm back after a weekend with my kids skiing with my father.All three kids came back very excited about how much fun they had. My S9 said it was the best time skiing ever. Even my D11 had a great time despite skiing not being her favorite activity. All 3 had a great time with the other 10 kids who were staying in the same ski club lodge.

Since this ski trip used up our small skiing budget W asked me to tell the kids before we left that this was our last skiing trip for the year. I did what she requested. No reaction from W.

W wasn't happy at all when we got back given that she stayed home, worked and cleaned the house. The happiness of the kids was hard for her to take. She blew up during our scheduled budget talk Sunday evening when I stated that everyone's lifestyle would suffer to free up $ for the added expense of an apartment. I was being honest and not trying to be controlling. There is certainly enough $ for us to separate but that it would be her choice. Her explosion included stating that I shouldn't move out since we "can't afford it". Unfortunately S9 overheard it from the next room and was very emotional.

Later that night after the kids went to bed W and I talked. She was/is upset that I have an extended family to go to with kids while she doesn't have one (she has "separated" from her mother and two brothers due to inability to get along). She thinks we should continue with our current sitch, living separated in the same house. I acknowledged her feelings. She thinks that we should setup separate spending $ pools for each of us (I think that's a great idea) and budget $ for her to take the kids on a short vacation without me. I agreed completely with her.

Our conversation also included her telling me her feelings that she feels like she's worthless and doesn't deserve a better life and R than she has now. She also doesn't like feeling guilty about being the one who wants to split up. That it's my fault and how can I be so calm and acting like there are no problems at our family dinners when we are living separately. Now I think my main focus should be telling her how important she is and complimenting her on what she does for the family. Any opinions on that?

We do have MC scheduled for Wednesday evening. I'm not sure what the focus will be. It was supposed to be on how we should move fwd with separation. Last week's session included my showing empathy to the point where W was questioning why I've changed and who I've been talking to. Also, W did standard button pushing of why did I wait until it was too late for R to change.

I do feel like my W is in complete turmoil now and probably depressed but I'm not sure how I tell her I'm worried about her without coming off as patronizing.

Well, this post is way too long and rambling. Thanks for reading.

[JustStunned]

Hi DF, I am by no means a vet here or qualified to give advice, but I’ll offer an opinion.

Last week's session included my showing empathy to the point where W was questioning why I've changed and who I've been talking to. Also, W did standard button pushing of why did I wait until it was too late for R to change.

JMO, but you could tell her something like: “It took this wake up call for me to realize these changes are essential for me to make before I can move forward” She does not need to know who you’ve been talking to. Any mention of this site, DB or DR now could be detrimental to your goals.

I do feel like my W is in complete turmoil now and probably depressed but I'm not sure how I tell her I'm worried about her without coming off as patronizing. .

I would not tell her you are worried about this, these are things she needs to work through. Listen, validate, but remain detached from her drama.

[zengypsy]

Alamo...I just saw this....

Are you serious?????

[zengypsy]

Glad that you also had a session with a DB coach. I wish I had the funds to do at least 1 session!

Hey Zen, I have an extra session I would like you to have.

Alamo....I can't edit out the other post and forgot to attach your quote...

I just happend to pop on the boards today. Haven't been on for a while as you can see. Lots of work stuff going on and my D is fastly approaching.

Are you serious with offering your extra session? I don't even know what to say.... That is so very kind of you. My concern would be if it would even be worth a consult at this juncture with my D ser for 3/29/11.

[DeterminedFather]

Hi
A lot has happened since my last post, unfortunately not much good. W found the charge for Coaching on the bank statement and didn't react well. I didn't bother trying to hide it since I don't do those types of things and she had not looked at checking acct for the past year.

I tried explaining to her that I felt it was my attempt to change to be a better person and husband. I didn't mention that she wanted out and would only go to MC only to convince me it was over. She was mad that I spent money without telling her when she wants to save for separation.

I also sent her the link to the website. I didn't tell her I was posting here. Now I'm thinking I should stop posting here to avoid her finding it and getting pissed. The other option is to be to tell her I'm posting our sitch here. I'm leaning toward the former.

[zengypsy]

DF:

How is she going to know that you are posting here since we are anonymous?

Just a question....

[DeterminedFather]

ZG:
I guess she won't know. It doesn't really matter anyway.

We talked briefly after her IC session tonight(she agreed that she needed help because of her problems controlling her anger) and she feels she has to pursue separation in order to get away from what's causing her anger (me). She told me that she hates me for trying to save our marriage (asking for MC, DB coaching) when she is done with it. I guess I've been pursuing and not detaching.

She wants to talk to a L about her rights and separation agreement.

Two weeks ago when she said I shouldn't move out because of the money hardship I did know that she did want me to go.

Now I think I do need to move out and give her space like she wants. That would be listening to her.

[zengypsy]

DF:

First of all you, please try to understand that YOU are NOT the cause of her anger issues. She obviously has some very deep rooted demons that she hasn't worked thru and in order for her to be whole for herself, she needs to address them, work on them and hopefully find some closure. Until she does, she will not be good to anyone; not even herself and problems are portable. So they will be with her wherever she goes, whatever she does, and whomever she is with.

Look, no M is ever perfect and living with another person is tough. Finding balance in a relationship is the central key of what will make it work and finding that balance is hard. We have work, kids, household things etc. By just coming here you have made the first step to becoming a new person for YOU. If she tells you she hates you for trying to save your M, you can tell her I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me and to be an example to our children. Her reaction to things you say and do are her own frustration for being confused.

Think of the WAS as a lost piece of luggage. They will get to their destination in their own way and in their own time. I think you are wise to give her the space that she wants. You don't have to give up and I'm certainly not telling to do so. You know her better than anyone including herself. I have always said that you can move on but not give up.

Keep DB'g, going to IC, talking to your DB Coach. It will only benefit you in the end with or without her - hopefully with.

I encourage you to keep on the boards and post often.

[DeterminedFather]

So I've agreed to move out because it's in the best interests of us and the kids. I'm looking for an apt in the same town so I can see the kids more. This happened after more of her divorce talk and calling lawyers. She wasn't clear on what she wanted the lawyers to do besides let me know she was serious.

Some things are better some are worse.
For the better: Doing much better with GAL and DB'ing. I'm not calling or texting her unless it's to coordinate pickup/dropoff of the kids. I'm implementing 180s I've identified. Much better at detaching. Did a very good job listening to her, empathazing and echoing back to her during a difficult conversation about separation.

Worse: W stated that my refusal to move out when she asked (she did rewrite history and said it was a full year ago) has caused a large trust issue. Also, my talking about needing some type of paperwork before moving makes her think I don't trust her so now she thinks it's not a temp. separation.

When talking about the logistics of the seperation she did say that I should take some of the old furniture and not buy a new couch so she didn't get jealous. Atleast she was honest.

She told me she is very worried about me not supporting her because her father went to jail for 3 months for not paying CS and never did after he got out although he could. I assured her that if our M comes to that I would be supporting my kids. I did add that each of us would suffer financially but didn't get into it.

She is all over the place about the separation: She wants me to know it's final but she is assuming that we will keep the joint accounts. She thinks that all we need to do is find enough extra money in the budget for an apt and utilities.

DB'ing is tough when she talks as if I'll be happy in a ugly 2bdrm apt and get the kids every other weekend while she lives in the nice house with the kids.

I think I did enough listening and empathizing with how she feels about the trust issue to help but I'm never sure.

[DeterminedFather]

I failed to stay strong and confident tonight when we were talking about the apt hunting. I will make sure that doesn't happen again.

I'm not sure how much I should include her in the apt search. I want her to know I'm trying but the more I talk the less confident I sound.

Does anyone have any advice on how to move out when you don't really want to?