Be careful of giving ultimatums during an emotional state.
I don't think there's any danger of that.
Giving ultimatums would equate to my being emotionally dragged into her drama, which I refuse to do anymore.
If she wasn't the mother of my kids, I would have probably given her an ultimatum to move out, but I feel like I am in a stronger position if I leave that little heartbreak up to her.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
She'll get a modest check when I refinance the home.
And I think she'll be tempted to get her own place.
It may sound strange, but I think that's the path I am supposed to be on.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
That's how i feel too. But i guess it's better they don't choose ow or om instead of us completely.
W has aleady chosen OM. Fortunately he's married and lives in Ohio. That R will ultimately go nowhere (in my estimation).
But I cannot be waiting around for her to emerge from the fog. Who knows how long that will take. It's never really over as far as DBing goes, but it's over. KWIM?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
You are giving up. I know, right now I am struggling with that too. I am soooo tired, my emotions have run dry, I don't even feel the pain that much anymore, I am tired of being rejected, some of my anger is coming back, especially now that I see D12 hurting.I want to just do things for myself now, not for the marriage. I am tired of walking on eggs. I am tired of being in the same house. I am repelled by the sight and sound of H.
But in my mind, I don't want to, although my heart wants to. I cry for he loss of feeling.
Who knows though, maybe what we see as over means to say you have attained the supreme state of detachment?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
And when you get so tired that you're ready to get out of the M just b/c you're tired of emotions, you'll drop the rope. When you drop the rope...then you'll probably see a change in her. But you guys just won't do it. You wait until you've gone completely dry and have nothing else to give before you do what should have been done when she dropped the bomb.
So, fear has brought you to this point. Plain old fear of dropping the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know what you mean and DBing is never really over, I mean it coul dbe, but there is a lot you can apply in other realtionships no matter who with.
My old marriage was over as well. And while I am still married to my wife, it is a new marriage, and it had to be.
Who knows what tomorrow or the next day will ultimately bring...is that what you meant?
Yes this is what I mean. For me hanging on to slim hopes means not detaching. It's either hang on or move on. That doesn't mean I've closed the door. I just can't stand there holding it open for someone I don't even know anymore. I don't desire the present version of W or a return to the troubled M we had. So yes, everything has to be new.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yes this is what I mean. For me hanging on to slim hopes means not detaching. It's either hang on or move on. That doesn't mean I've closed the door. I just can't stand there holding it open for someone I don't even know anymore. I don't desire the present version of W or a return to the troubled M we had. So yes, everything has to be new.
Ahh, I remember that feeling. It is part of the detachment. See youre making changes to better yourself, that's a good thing. You know things won't go back to the way the were before. However your(my) W doesn't see that yet. They are being controlled be their fear of the past.
It is up to them to force that fear and decide they want a better life too.
Unfortunately, some never get to that point(my W). They either have too much pride to admit things can change or they are allowing their fear to control their lives. Both not good.
It is best to detach and live forward for ourselves. If/ when they have the courage things will change for them.
A good friend told me:
When the pain of where you are becomes greater than the fear of where you're going, then change can occur. Gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
And when you get so tired that you're ready to get out of the M just b/c you're tired of emotions, you'll drop the rope. When you drop the rope...then you'll probably see a change in her. But you guys just won't do it. You wait until you've gone completely dry and have nothing else to give before you do what should have been done when she dropped the bomb.
So, fear has brought you to this point. Plain old fear of dropping the rope.
Actually she served me D papers on Jan 27. and is proceeding. That has brought me to this point.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I went to stations of the cross Friday for lent. Felt a strong sense of ID with the passion of Christ Sensed a direct admonishment to not "hate" those who have hurt me.
Yesterday W and I sat down and divided up the financial responsibilities regarding the kids and the house and agreed on most things enough to settle.
Time to get this D over with. It's what she wants. It's what she'll get.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
