I had a mini breakthrough this morning. After my wife got ready for work, and sat down for our daily 10 minutes, I told her that I wanted to ask her something. I told her I didn't need an answer right now and for her to think about it. I asked her for one more night as a married couple before she leaves. She asked what that meant. I told her that we could sit down for a nice dinner, and share the bed together. She asked what sharing the bed together meant. I told her that we could be together. She said that she doesn't think that would be a good idea. It would make it so much harder for her and for me. I replied that I know it would make it harder but that I was willing to deal with that for one last night with my wife. She told me she doesn't want to hurt me. I told her I know. She then asked "You know how I feel about you don't you?". I responded "Please don't take this the wrong way but I don't". She told me she loves me, that we have a long history together and that I will always be a huge part of her life. I told her that she made the "long history" sound like a negative. She then said, "You know why I'm leaving don't you?" I told her I did not. She said first, the things that make you happy don't make me happy. Second, We have been living like roomates for so long and we both deserve better. I told her that the things I thought made me happy don't. She makes me happy. I don't need games. I was addicted to them. She told me that everything can be addictive. She said I am now addicted to cleaning. She commented that the house was spotless (She noticed!!!). I told her that I don't clean all the time. I spend maybe 30 minutes when I come home from work. She asked what else I do. I told her that I spend time with the dogs, and watch a little TV. She said do you still keep up with your shows? I told her that I watch a little TV but not as much as I used to. I then told her the second reason is true, we did spend the last few years living like roomates. But that things started to change for me. I was living with the person I love and was happy with her. She asked how long that went on. I told her not long enough but it started when we talked (She knew exactly what I was talking about). She looked at the clock and said she hates to have to cut this short but she needed to go to work (she is the boss today). I apologized to her for this turning into a relationship talk. I just wanted to ask her the other. I quickly told her that I hope she has fun tonight at the play she is going to see with her friend. She got a big smile and said she hopes so. We said goodbye and she left.
Why is this huge for me? First, I prayed yesterday for God to give me a sign that this will work out or not someday. Second, my wife has never really told me why she was leaving. If those are her reasons, they are fixable (especially with the new me). I know I planted a seed in her mind that she will be thinking about. I may not see the fruits of this anytime soon, but they will sprout. This was the first positive (in my mind) conversation we have had about our relationship. Now, I go back to detachment and wait.
I don't want to be the buzz kill, but what was your mini break through? It appeared to me based on what you wrote that you are still pursuing and she is going to push in the opposite direction you want her to. You are just showing her that you really haven't made permanent changes.
DB'g is essentially behavior modification and it's going to take a fair amount of time for you to make these changes permanent regardless of how committed you are. And I have no doubt that you and the rest of us here are ver committed. We all have to change a lifetime of behaviors and that doesn't happen overnight or in several months time. She is at the point where she doesn't believe you. Would you believe you either? Actions, validate, listen, patience. If your M was stagnent for so long, you can't expect for either of you to just jump back in with both feet. It won't work at all. What you have to do is practice patience and rebuild on your friendship. Get to know each other again. And, she may not be willing to do that right now. You can't force her into a direction she is not ready for. Keep the focus which is all about YOU. Practice detaching, 180's, GAL'g. The dynamic is to WANT your W, not NEED her. Big diff.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
My break through was that I know WHY she is leaving now. Also, a seed was planted in her to have her think. I don't want her to jump right back in with both feet...I just need there to be some doubt in her mind about her decision. Odds are we are still going to get divorced, but this really leaves the door open for the future. It shows me that while she may not think things are fixable right now, I know they are and that gives me even more of a peace.
Maybe I am just giddy over how this is making me feel right now. I just know in my heart, that this was a good thing. It completes the puzzle as to why. I really needed that.
Thank you for responding. I will be thinking about what you said throughout the day.
I know I planted a seed in her mind that she will be thinking about. I may not see the fruits of this anytime soon, but they will sprout.
Like Zen I hate to be a buzzkill.
Breathe, dial down any expectations. Back off and see wait to see if she nurtures the seeds you think were planted. Don’t pursue, don’t pressure, don’t bring it up. If seeds were planted, and if she nurtures them, she will likely observe and test Keep DB’ing. Make you 180’s permanent. Detach, GAL,
She waved a red flag for you to notice
Originally Posted By: Brian in Hville
She told me that everything can be addictive. She said I am now addicted to cleaning. She commented that the house was spotless (She noticed!!!). I told her that I don't clean all the time. I spend maybe 30 minutes when I come home from work
Talk is cheap, show her you have not swapped one addiction for another.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I know I planted a seed in her mind that she will be thinking about. I may not see the fruits of this anytime soon, but they will sprout.
Like Zen I hate to be a buzzkill.
Breathe, dial down any expectations. Back off and see wait to see if she nurtures the seeds you think were planted. Don’t pursue, don’t pressure, don’t bring it up. If seeds were planted, and if she nurtures them, she will likely observe and test Keep DB’ing. Make you 180’s permanent. Detach, GAL,
She waved a red flag for you to notice
Of course...I'm not expecting anything to happen overnight. I just know that this seed will grow. It may take 6-12+ months...But I know the reason now and know the changes I am making will eventually show her she can be happy again with me. I am in this for the long haul. It's a marathon.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
Originally Posted By: Brian in Hville
She told me that everything can be addictive. She said I am now addicted to cleaning. She commented that the house was spotless (She noticed!!!). I told her that I don't clean all the time. I spend maybe 30 minutes when I come home from work
Talk is cheap, show her you have not swapped one addiction for another.
Unfortunately, she isn't home to see that I don't spend much time cleaning. All she see's is the finished product. God...I can't imagine being addicted to cleaning. I've been a lazy bastage for most of my life! I now view cleaning as something that needs to be done and there isn't anyone else to do it but me.
I think these fine people are worried that you since you had a 'good' R talk that you'll think you should have more of them.
Which tends (trends) not to be true.
You got some great information out of this one, use it to your advantage without pressing for more.
Thanks JTB..I agree..it was a good talk (at least for me) and I have NO plans to revisit it. She's leaving in the middle of next week. The only talk we have left is with the lawyer. From here on out, it will be up to her to initiate conversations.
