I had a mini breakthrough this morning. After my wife got ready for work, and sat down for our daily 10 minutes, I told her that I wanted to ask her something. I told her I didn't need an answer right now and for her to think about it. I asked her for one more night as a married couple before she leaves. She asked what that meant. I told her that we could sit down for a nice dinner, and share the bed together. She asked what sharing the bed together meant. I told her that we could be together. She said that she doesn't think that would be a good idea. It would make it so much harder for her and for me. I replied that I know it would make it harder but that I was willing to deal with that for one last night with my wife. She told me she doesn't want to hurt me. I told her I know. She then asked "You know how I feel about you don't you?". I responded "Please don't take this the wrong way but I don't". She told me she loves me, that we have a long history together and that I will always be a huge part of her life. I told her that she made the "long history" sound like a negative. She then said, "You know why I'm leaving don't you?" I told her I did not. She said first, the things that make you happy don't make me happy. Second, We have been living like roomates for so long and we both deserve better. I told her that the things I thought made me happy don't. She makes me happy. I don't need games. I was addicted to them. She told me that everything can be addictive. She said I am now addicted to cleaning. She commented that the house was spotless (She noticed!!!). I told her that I don't clean all the time. I spend maybe 30 minutes when I come home from work. She asked what else I do. I told her that I spend time with the dogs, and watch a little TV. She said do you still keep up with your shows? I told her that I watch a little TV but not as much as I used to. I then told her the second reason is true, we did spend the last few years living like roomates. But that things started to change for me. I was living with the person I love and was happy with her. She asked how long that went on. I told her not long enough but it started when we talked (She knew exactly what I was talking about). She looked at the clock and said she hates to have to cut this short but she needed to go to work (she is the boss today). I apologized to her for this turning into a relationship talk. I just wanted to ask her the other. I quickly told her that I hope she has fun tonight at the play she is going to see with her friend. She got a big smile and said she hopes so. We said goodbye and she left.
Why is this huge for me? First, I prayed yesterday for God to give me a sign that this will work out or not someday. Second, my wife has never really told me why she was leaving. If those are her reasons, they are fixable (especially with the new me). I know I planted a seed in her mind that she will be thinking about. I may not see the fruits of this anytime soon, but they will sprout. This was the first positive (in my mind) conversation we have had about our relationship. Now, I go back to detachment and wait.
