After reading your very heartfelt post to me the other day, I took a couple of days to give what you have said a great deal of thought.
First I can't thank you enough for your support and I know that you are very wise having lived this ordeal for as long as I have. I have learned very well exactly what you are telling me.
I do believe that you are right about me. I have adopted this as a way of living for me. I am the vision of "sunken costs". I guess I have always believed that H and I have this inner connection and that the ultimate result of this MLC and separation would be that he would awake from it and be the H I know and love. I do not really know this H. I admit I have put an enormous amount of effort into what I want.
I have read Frank Pittman's writings on infidelity. I have watched every TV show on the subject. I have read and read and read until I am blurry eyed. I believe I have a good understanding of the dynamics of all of this.
With that being said, I am in a place where I can't seem to let go. I don't feel it is a matter of having to make a win. I am not actually a competitive person at all. I believe in my faith and hopes. This makes me look pathetic probably. I feel pathetic today.
I feel like a discarded old teddy bear that has long since seen it's last day as a valued huggable.
Beatrice, I guess I feel frozen in time.
I am not quite sure how to "get over this".
I am going to go dark....for me....NOT to create a rise out of H.
I am going to maintain my three jobs so I can support my home and son. I am going to see my son through the last few months of 9th grade. I am going to attempt to plan a small vacation for son and I. I am going to seek out a summer camp for son. I am going to just be. I am going to avoid H as I always feel empowered when I do that. It gives me clarity in a weird way. The problem is HE WILL pursue me. That's when I run into trouble.
Beatrice, I know you know me. I thank you for your help. Your words of wisdom prove to me and others that you have studied a long time on this subject.
(((((Hugs)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika - I do understand what you feel. Although our h's have 'chosen' a different MLC path, I understand so well what you mean about the deep connection. I miss that closeness. For now think of it as a drug you cannot have, although you need it. Think of yourself as somehow 'addicted' to feeling this way.
Unlike your h my xh told me he was turned off $exually by me - I think this is the other mode. Some MLCers have the affair and remain attracted to their spouse, while others HAVE to deny the attraction in order to proceed. Both are crazy. But each needs handling differently: SA and GAG spouses, are, I suspect more like mine - they had to set aside their feelings of attraction in order to pursue the OW. Then on the rebound it causes huge problems. If we act flirty in this case they are panicked by it.
You have an advantage in that your h isn't in denial about his feelings for you, BUT he has been cake eating.
I think we have all felt like a discarded teddy bear. It is important that you do not feel this way. You KNOW in doing this you are internalising your perception of your h's view of you.
I wasn't suggesting that you needed to 'win' in this btw - just that some of us do . . . .
As you have read so much I hesitate to re-recommend 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing', but I think it is probably the single most useful book I have read that helped ME become who and where I want to be. I genuinely no longer feel like a discarded teddy bear - I did for a long time. I did the exercises over and over again - comforted the inner child, befriended and learned to control the outer child, and built my dream vision of the future.
The biggest con the MLCer pulls or we allow them to pull is the belief that because THEY have abandoned us we are worthless. It isn't true, and we know it in our heads before we learn it in our hearts They are very messed up people, dysfunctional and not good for us until they turn the corner . . .
The other thing I wanted to say to you is that feelings of worthlessness - the old teddy bear feeling, are a clasic sign of abuse. What Frank Pittman doesn't say and needs to be said, is that adultery is emotional abuse. OK your h may be messed up and having a MLC but as a wise poster has pointed out that is not a free ride to bad behaviour. You have to walk away from abuse. It is the belief that we have no power, or that they will change that gives the abuser emotional power over us.
Once you fully recognise the abuse, and that you are responding to it, and then change that pattern of thinking your feelings of worthlessness should start to recede Takes time to recover though.
