Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[Deep]

I know that this forum has gone through many changes since the times I used to post more regularly here, and that many vets are no longer here. I hope nobody takes offense at what I have to add.

A truism, and I do see it as a truism, is the drastic re-writing of history and the degree of marital strife by a WAS. It pretty much never has anything to do with the OP, and it's always BAD beyond what the other spouse assumes and has taken place for a far longer time. I think most of the time, it's BS and gratituous self-justification.

By all means, and I would highly encourage this, look at your own failings in the marriage, take ownership, change for the better. But I would retain a sense of balance and perspective and call it as I see it when necessary. Let her take ownership for her own contributions too. It's not about "an eye for an eye", it's about trying to move the maariage towards a better place while being grounded in reality.

It took my W about 3 years to come clean and halfway admit it had everything to do with OM, that of course I had failed her in some ways, but it wasn't THAT bad as it seemed in the throes of the A. And no, I didn't pursue that response from her.

You sound like a decent man trying his best in very trying conditions Sparks, and I wish you the very best. When I caught the first proof of the A (online chat log) OM had been using a woman's name and profile and my first reaction was "Woo, W is having a lesbian affair?!". I'm not sure how I would have handled it to be honest.

Cheers.