GAG - you are kind enough to say that we help you, but you also help me a lot. Thank you. I am not familiar with the books you cite, although I am very interested in the neuroscience of pscychotherapy, and will look them out. It makes so much sense to me - a real light bulb moment. This is my xh to a T. He has told me repeatedly and I think truthfully, that he actually doesn't like OW. He ends the r repeatedly, and always goes back. It is as if he cannot leave her alone. And yes, she is like his mother emotionally, and I thnk physically. She is not an attractive or a young woman, and when my h left me he told me that she wasn't as nice, intelligent or good looking as me - and this was at the begining of their r! Since then I have taken very good care of myself, and frankly I look good these days . .
There is some bond that he cannot or does not wish to break. I think it all became even more complicated last year when his mother died, quite unexpectedly, and he wasn't able to get to see her. We were tentatively exploring a reconciliation, although it was pretty rocky, and he suddenly pushed harder for the divorce, and got back together with the OW. He had had a lot of unfinished business with his mother, and she was still angry with him for leaving me and lying to her.
My ex-husband is one of the very mean MLCers - and I think he is carrying a load of guilt about what he has done. He is also terrified of psychotherapy.
Moving on to [some of] the MLCers dislike of overtly sexual flirting - it is something I have noticed with my xh. It is as if they HAVE to initiate and control the whole process of interaction with us, on their terms, and any sense that WE are manipulating them is totally unacceptable. Could it be that their relationship with their mother was one of emotional manipulation on the part of the mother. I am pretty certain now that this was the case with my xh. And then they move on to an emotionally manipulative OW. But when we appear to do it, we seem to be 'like' the women they are reacting to, subconsciously, in so much of their MLC behaviour.
I also note that there are MLCers who are able to contiue to be flirtatious and sexual with their spouses, so there is clearly another dynamic for some of them.
However, I also think that it does plant seeds intheir mind. But I think this has to be done with extreme caution.
