Thank you Sanderika, Cas, Rabbit, Mila, Cyrena, Antonia, and Beatrice for your posts. Ladies I am learning a lot from you all, so thank you for your generosity in sharing. I plan to respond to your posts in the next couple days, but I have wanting to respond to some points raised by Sanderika’s posts (and commented on by others) because they have been very thought-provoking.
(((((((((((Sanderika))))))))), you have been incredibly generous with me and others on this board. Since you posted on my thread and on Cas’ thread over the last couple days, I have been trying to think of how to reply to you in a way that might give YOU something back. In one of your recent posts you described your H’s difficult R with his mother and how it devastated him when she died. It’s my understanding that death of a parent is especially difficult when there is unfinished business --- in your H’s case it sounds as though he never achieved the affirmation he sought from his mother. My XH shares that issue but I think that he has experienced some healing over the past year with his mother. Awhile back I read part of two books written by Louis Cozolino about attachment disorder. These books summarize how the brain is shaped by our relationships or the lack of relationships. Cozoino explains how critically important the infant-parent dyad is in shaping our brains and in developing future secure attachments/relationships. The first book, “The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Brain”, provides an overview of which developmental factors influence the way we form intimate attachments. The second book, “The Neuroscience of Psychotherapy: Healing the Social Brain”, summarizes the scientific evidence that the brain is an organ continually built and re-built by one's experience. As such, old neural networks (established during development (i.e. childhood)) have the capacity to be re-wired with the correct stimuli. We now know that psychotherapy and individuals’ interactions with others can reshape the brain’s circuits (rather similar to the way that Rabbit trains Ms. Mellie). If you are interested in this topic, these books are very good!
You’re clearly a very thoughtful and intelligent woman, Sanderika. Have you formulated an explanation in your mind for how your H can pinball back and forth between you and the OW for this long? Is there something about the OW that somehow reminds your H of his mother or his R with his mother? It seems odd to me that your H would WANT to go on vacation with someone who was acting “psycho”, but then it sounds as though his mother was “psycho” with him. From your description of H it sounds as though he wasn’t too happy about being bullied into doing this.
I know that you are in a very sad place right now. I am very sorry for that!!!!!!! (((((Sanderika))))))) I understand why you are planning to go dark. It is very hard to understand how your H can profess his love for you and then go on vacation with the OW. I’m curious, have you gone dark before with H? If so, what happened then? I agree with the others that is a good thing to do for yourself right now.
The second point I have been wanting to address is the question of “what is the best way to interact with XH to move thing forward”? In some posts on my thread, some have advocated frank $exual flirting and others have advocated nurturing a slowly growing friendship. I have been thinking about this for some time and would like to respond to this point. My XH seems to respond in a “flat” way to sexual innuendo…………..yet my sense is that my suggestive comments and overtures plant important seeds in his mind that allow him to think about me in a different way. Sanderika, in one of your earlier posts you wrote about your 14 year old son’s remark that you shouldn’t dress in an obviously $exy way and I understand what he was saying……..but I wonder if episodes like those are what allowed your H to begin thinking about you more in terms of a partner who is the entire package. Last fall/winter you and your H had a major R talk in which he confessed that he still loves you. Do you think he would have done that if he hadn’t seen the potential for him to feel $exually attracted to you? In my situation, I know that I HAVE seen progress forward since December when I began flirting with XH. Of course I don’t know what else was going on in my XH’s life that may have influenced his baby steps forward during that time.
I do think that both your H and my XH have attachment issues. They didn’t get the love from their mothers that they yearned for and have been trying to get it ever since so I think that nurturing is a big part of what your H and my XH need……….but I’ve also sensed my XH treats me less like “just a friend” since I started flirting and I think the most effective way for me to flirt with him is via casual touches and brushing against his body in seemingly accidental ways.
