Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

[sparks14]

Hey Sparks - if it comes up again, I wouldn't dismiss her claims that marriage had issues. Clearly, in her world it did and you are trying to show her that you're a better listener/better spouse. Careful not to backslide - maybe you didn't see major issues, but she was struggling and in her reality there were.

the new you should know, nothing pisses a woman off more than telling her that her feelings are wrong. No surer way to start a fight, though, than to bring it up again later and try to explain yourself. That's why I say, if it comes up, maybe apologize without much convo about why you disagree.

I totally agree, AJ. Although, it is so difficult to hear her dismiss our M like this. Sure we had our struggles, but we have had some amazing times together as well. She is acting so blind to them right now. She tells me that our relationship was bad from the first six months, and she thinks the only reason she got married and had a child was that it was what she was supposed to do. I know this is not the truth, and it makes me sick to think that these are her feelings right now. She then told me that she would never in her life change the decision to have a child, as our S is so important to her. That was great to hear, but I never saw us making te choice to have a child as a careless decision. My W and I were really at a point where the love and committment for each other decided that it was the right time to begin trying.

I will take your advice and keep validating, though. I do think that is very important. This is a behavior that I began with couples therapy a year ago. I have been doing it a ton lately as well. During our last session, my W stopped and told me that I didn't need to keep validating her feelings. She thought that it came off so unnatural. My therapist told my W what she couldn't see from where she was sitting with her head down listening. Our therapist told my W that she sees a person trying very hard and actively listening. That the look in my eyes and the concentration during each validation seemed as though I was truly working on listening to my W. That this is a behavior that is truly positive.

I will keep working on it until it becomes the most natural thing for me to do. As long as I stay consistent with all of my 180s, I think they will all become second nature. I think that is the point where I know that I truly am an improved person that is learning from this experience.