I have been on this website just "hanging out" since my d-day trying to get all the inspiration I could. At 4 months out my sitch has been continuously deteriorating. He had the affair in June, and decided to end it and work on the marriage. He seemed to be somewhat committed to that for about a month, but throughout that month he kept saying that he would keep trying if he saw changes on my end, that he was making no guarruntees. Some days he would say he was willing to work on it as long as needed, he knew I needed to heal. But at about 1 month he really seemed to stop trying. Not that he was full blown trying before, but he got tired of my sleepless nights, my emotions, etc. Then I found out at month 2 that he was emailing the other woman again. I asked him to leave, he said he didn't want that and it wasn't what i thought. So we decided to try to work somemore. But he never really tried after that. I think they stopeed meailing but I don't know for sure. Then I found out 4 weeks after that that he sent her a b-day card. This time before I could even get the words out of my mouth he said that he was done. Now he wants to separate. We had the fight to end all fights yesterday and he said that he has absolutely no love for me anymore. So here i am, it's like d-day all over again. I am sitting here trying to figure out how to survive separation. I feel like i have been blindsided twice. First with the affair, and then he lied about really wanting to wrk it out and give us the time that we need to heal. Ho do i get through this?
hey lost, start by reading the posts of other people. it will help u to realize that u r not alone. i am like u, the LBS w/ the WAS who's had an A. for 2nd time no less!
when he said that he absolutely had no love for u anymore, i wondered if that was my W talking. truly. do not believe 100% of what they say. when u react to his A and his words by lashing out in anger, it makes it e-z for him. it allows him to take his guilt (and he most certainly has that: GUILT and lots of it) and convert it over into anger at u. it's your fault after all, isn't it? he's never loved u, u got married too young, blah, blah, blah. total BS. dont accept it for anything but that.
he is an addict. he has an addiction. this is a battle that u can choose to fight or not. it appears that u have already made ur choice. u want ur M. take a peek at hopelessinlove.
but first need to know more about u. ur sitch. background would be helpful. try putting together a signature. it will help a lot. the more information u provide the better.
________________________________________________________________ M: 42, W: 40 T: 18y, M: 15y S7 S9; D4 D13 D15 --------------------------------------------- Nov 2008 - Feb 2009 - EA/PA - OM1 Mar 2009 - Exposed - W didnt come clean 100%, admitted A, no details May 2009 - Nov 2009 - FT but no resolution Nov 2009 - DB'ing (not very well bc) Mar 2010 - ILYBNILWY - still ML regularly Mar 2010 - Wife shuts me out of FaceBook Mar 2010 - Sep 2010 - EA/PA - OM2 (lives in FL but working NY) 9/1/10 - OM2 moves back to FL, his M estranged in past, 4 children 8/31/10 - install keylogger (shouldve done it sooner, duh) 9/6/10 - Confront W/OM2/OMW2 9/7/10 - Exposure family/friends 9/7/10 - W says may file D, talk sep? 9/7/10 to present - OM2 discloses A in detail to OMW2, offers wife 100% transparency 9/14/10 - Communicated OM2/OMW2, end contact, sep no longer option Sept 2010 - W initially won't admit A until 9/16/10, wanting "closure", reluctantly agreed no contact Retrouvaille 9/24-9/26: great experience, W hopeful for 1st time, agrees FB/social networking is bad influence, texts/emails much less, mostly warm but some cold days, not physical yet but for occasional short kisses --------------------------------------------- Current - Contact with OM2 unknown, suspect done for now bc W acting strange, ?withdrawal Current - only small details of A revealed, but transparent Current - completed Retrouvaille, pretty good thus far, talking, sharing feelings, talks about future, wearing rings again (!!) after few weeks of not
I feel your pain, but don't lose sight of your goal. Work on yourself, so that you can feel better. That is something that will take time. Remember you can only change yourself, do not try to change H or his thoughts by talking to H. ACTIONS speak louder thatn words!
This is a great site with a lot of knowledgeable and caring people. Listen to what is said but you must believe in yourself and what you are doing.
Be strong.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
Thanks for the feedback. I am guessing that a signature is a list of dates and what has happened so here is mine; apr- said love you but not in love may- talked about possibly wanting to sep. bu willing to work on marriage jun 22 - discovered texting i.e. emotional affair jun 23 - confronted and admitted to texting ended contact wants to work on marriage if i am willing to make changes but says will make no promises june 26 - discovered cards previously written by ow professing love admitted to some physical interaction but says no sex
June 26-aug. 16 contining to work on marriage lots of arguing and set bcks but still committed to working on things and doing mt Aug. 16 - starts back to work where other woman also works promises to be transparent about any contact Aug. 23 admits to missing other woman and being curious bout her Sept. 1 admits after 20 minutes of denying that he did have sex with ow during affair Sept 5 - finds out that he is emailing the other woman at work. Not sexual but more than necessary communication. I confront him and he decides he wants to leave Sept. 6 agrees to come back and continue to work on things for another month. Agrees to no contact as long as we take a brea k from arguing about the affair Oct. 1 - Caught sending ow a b-day card / wants separation but is hppy to be separated in the house Oct. 8- Ask him to continue to work on marriage and he say s he wants to move out. He says he is not seeing other woman at all other than in passing at work. Pretty sure this is true Is there any hope for me?
I am not really sure what a signature is, but here is a timeline of events; apr -ilybnilwy/ wants to work on marriage jun 22- caught having ea- texting- wants to work on marriage as long as i'm willing to change jun 25 -admits to kissing her after letters are found Jul 9 - starts mc jul 9- Aug 16 trying to reconcile, presumed nc, lots of fights will not give access to email pws but will show email accounts and phone, many times both of us ready to throw in towel Aug 17- starts back at work where ow is Aug 24- admits that he misses ow and is curious about her Aug. 30- admits to having had pa when presented with evidence up until this poin always denied Sep. 3 - Caught emailing ow on work email/ innocent but above necessary communication moves out on request Sep. 4 - Comes back "for a month" as he says, as long as no affair discussion. Vows NC Oct. 2 - Caught giving ow b-day card when confronted with evidence says he wants separation plans on moving out at the end of the month
