Helluva lot of growth today and I am feeling pretty spent.
In the wake of my impatience, and by failing to slow right down and really wait and hear her instead of being so damn worried about protecting myself and getting what I want...
...evidenced once again this morning by that thoughtless, hurtful and unnecessary comment I made to her about my signature on the divorce papers being final, and if I did that it meant I would be immediately moving on to find someone else to share my life with...
Even if that were true there was no good reason for me to tell her that. As True & Mach helped me see, it's just more evidence of me trying to force things and that is more obvious to my wife than anyone.
The silver lining there is that she and I both showed genuine emotion. I especially have been keeping my feelings guarded and I know she has as well.
And, it finally loosened the noose that my mom and I have both had wrapped around our necks ever since I was a kid.
Real quick, I was finally able to tell my mom in a way that she could hear about somethings that I was still really angry and blaming her about.
I was blaming my feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and unworthiness on the fact that when I was a kid, she was often telling me "it's not worth it" to stand up for myself against my abusive step-father.
She thoughts she was protecting me by telling me it's not worth it, but the message I always held deep at the center of my being was that I'm not worth it.
I know L---- (WAW) has deep rooted insecurities as well.
Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.
I bow to our Creator. I bow to the divine guidance within.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
