Journaling: Friday the last document we needed to file our taxes arrived. I decided to wait until Saturday to contact W about setting up an appointment with the tax preparer. After a couple of VMs back and forth I answered the call and W agreed to stop by to drop off her documents. I had been in the midst of house cleaning so I suspended that activity. I wanted her to see the floors cleared for cleaning when she walked in.
She knocked at the door and then let herself in, dropped her shoes in the entrance and came in. I handed her the mail that had arrived here for her, and she gave me some mail. I asked her if she would like a cup of tea. We sat and visited while she sipped her tea.
We talked about her new job and some of the stressors in it. It has been three weeks and she is settling in. As with all change there are pluses and minuses to her new job. She has had to take charge of a skilled unit in the past week to fill in while the regular nurse was on vacation. It was difficult and she will be glad to get back to the position she accepted. In her opinion her new boss is quite the control freak and she is trying to fly under the radar to avoid confrontation.
She loved on the dog, and offered to pay for his next vet appointment, and parasite prevention treatments. She had asked why I was not taking him in once a month. I had to explain when we contributed to the household budget there was funding available for those things. I have had to cut back on expenses. This doesn’t make me look strong or competent in her eyes, but I need to pay the property taxes in 4 months.
She began to talk about the D. Specifically how we were going to settle the house asset. I reminded her she wanted to keep all of those discussions between the Ls. I hated to say that, but I did not want to discuss it. I was avoiding my anger about her distorted view of the economics involved. I know I could not have remained upbeat discussing how we would settle the house.
Her phone rang and she received several text messages while we talked. She took the call, cutting it short explaining to her cousin she was visiting the dog and me. She checked the text message sender, and decided it could wait until after she left.
This conv was neutral to pleasant for her. She was able to tell me all about her new job and family without interruption or challenge. I did not try to solve her problems and commiserated with her about job stress. I was able to praise her abilities taking on supervision of the skilled unit. She did express stress when I redirected the conv away from the house, but agreed this was something she had told me she wanted the Ls to discuss. She seemed to think I knew all about it. I explained my L had not contacted me about it.
The person I spoke to today was my W. She was rational. She is still driving to D and splitting the marital assets. I think she still sees a payday on the horizon. I think only when she processes the reality of the course she is pursuing will she begin to have second thoughts.
So I will go dark except for the tax prep appointment. The rope is dropped. The emotions I have about this sitch are centered on the financial aspects of the D, not on the old R. It is dead and gone.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Today, while I was out of the house W called my cell, and when I got back home there was a hang up on the answering machine. I’ve had quite a few of those lately.
W did not leave a message on my cell, so I decided not to return the call. This may seem cold, but if it wasn’t important enough to leave a message asking me to call back then she can call again. I would like to report I was busy GALing, but this was a mundane shopping trip to pick up a few items for my mother.
A few hours later another series of calls, cell, then house phone, again no messages. At the time I was speaking with my sister. After finishing the call with my sister, I decided to return the call to W.
She picked up heartguard and frontline for the dog, and would pass by the house in a few minutes. Would this be a convenient time to stop and drop them off? I told her no as I was not home. She decided to give them to me the next time we met. We said goodbye.
I know totally mundane and boring.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
More craziness from my W. She joined another gym. It is part of her new jobs benefits package.
Last night our D visited me and told me last week W said she wants the abdomen she had at 18, before her Bday in September. She is using every ab machine in the new gym, and saving money for plastic surgery.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Feeling pretty melancholy today, spent last night grieving the loss of the plans and dreams we made together. I need to take my own advice and change my scenery.
W doesn’t care about any of the plans and dreams we made together. She told me when the bomb dropped she had already accomplished her grieving. That those were mine and never hers. Her rewrite of history is complete. The longer this goes on the firmer her version becomes to her and her support group.
She wants me to maintain the house using it to store the things the kids left behind. She doesn’t want her decision to impact the kids. She wants the kids to have the house available as an inheritance. This is a fantasy.
The house will be sold and any profit realized will be used to settle debt. The remaining debt will be settled from the split of our 401ks. I suspect this will be when she begins to realize how her future will be, and maybe what she has destroyed.
W has found another project person to immerse herself in the care of. She has our DIL’s mother, and now she is monitoring the aunt she currently lives with.
DIL’s mother has short term meory impairment and is in assisted living. W is custodial for her. W’s aunt is a brittle diabetic. W has been monitoring her glucose, diet and insulin usage.
When W was visiting on Sat she stated how much her presence is needed and appreciated.
I have to focus on work now and to get my mind off this sitch.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Journaling: Yesterday While I was at leagues I received a call from our D. She had been invited to diner with one of the SILs. The SIL wanted me to come to dinner also.
I explained I was at leagues, and would not leave unless it was an emergency. I told our D that the SIL could have just as easily call me directly and should not have filtered this invitation through her. I would be happy to visit with SIL and her children. I have been a father figure to this niece and nephew since they were born.
I shot poorly at leagues, the call and an email from my L kept me from relaxing and focusing on form.
After I arrived home our D stopped by and we spoke about mundane things until she started to vent. The SIL had called her from her car trying to pull the dinner invitation together at the last minute. Our D volunteered to make arrangements with me. She, this SIL and her family understood I was in a GAL activity and they were not disturbed I could not make dinner with them. It was a good thing I did not go to dinner as the dinner conv turned into rants about this sitch. When she finally spoke about it our D was very upset. I found myself attempting to calm her down and maintain my own composure.
This SIL, FIL, MIL have all spoken to W when she has been less than rational. Apparently W wants the SIL to start a R with me. This SIL was 13yrs old when I married her sister. She has been more like a little sister than a SIL. She has stated on more than one occasion I have been father and older brother to her. W’s suggestion is reprehensible. This SIL is very angry about it.
FIL and MIL think W is making a mistake and do not understand why she is acting out like a teenager. W and MIL have not been close since before W ran away from home at 18. Generally speaking W will resist contact with her mother and is likely to not follow a suggestion she makes. The strained relationship W has with her mother has not lent itself to establishing a relationship between us.
Apparently sometime last month W attempted to begin an A with her old HS crush through FB. He has blocked her. Our D thinks W pursued him to the point of cyber stalking and his W found out. Pure speculation I know. At least it is not my speculation. Strangely I feel numb regarding this. I just don’t care that she was attempting to start something. I don’t know if what that means. The way I understand societal norms I should have some emotions here.
Our D also said her brother and his wife (S and DIL) have distanced themselves from W because of the drama. They don’t know how to approach me. This disturbs me, but I need to wait on contacting them until I know S has cell service. DIL and I do not have a relationship and I suspect everything we talk about may get reported to W despite the “distance due to drama”
So it appears W’s support structure with the exception of her aunt and two cousins is crumbling. None of this matter much at this point as the aunt is providing supports and shielding the sharp edges.
The D continues. The latest correspondence between the Ls is about determining the value of the house. We need to pick an appraiser.
Maybe I should shift to a thread in MLC referencing the old threads here. I get lost when I read some of the posts in MLC.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
So I just got off the phone with my L. There is no reason to appraise the house.
A realtor will give us their estimate of fair market value and what to list it for. W and I will need to pay for improvements to make it more marketable or accept what we can obtain for it as is.
Any remaining debt will be split between us.
I need to process this; sorry I will not be posting for a while. I’m not much good to anyone now
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Uggg ...... lots of boy blows in short succession here. I don't have too much to add .. but ... seems we're riding the same train. Yeeehaw. You're not alone, JustStunned.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
You could start a thread in MLC...but really you have a good support group here.
There are a few fundamental differences if you truly believe she is in a life crisis. The foremost being the ammount of time it is going to take her.
Life crisis or not, she is going to gravitate toward the people who do not judge her. Such as her aunt, amkes me wonder if her aunt did something similar.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
