H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Somebody stop me please from doing smething I will regret later on. I have to go through this slowly and process it. Maybe wait a couple of weeks to see how I feel after we have a few more daya, especially with some "fun" times coming up.

After having a quiet two weeks without H, now that he is back I am again cycling, affected by his presence. Not necessarily his mood - he is the same old H.... it is like something changed inside of me. Something that wants to push him out of my life.

I am really getting so tired of the situation. On top of that, D12 seems tired too, has admitted to being angry at her dad for what he is doing to our family, has told me that she is not sure any longer that she enjoys being with him like before. I am realizing that maybe life without H, just me and D, would be happier.I am feeling trapped in a sense, and am having that "I need to get out, escape from this situation" feeling. Its as if the tables were turned. I have talked about turning into a WAS before but never has the feeling been so strong.

Right now, I want to give up. I was praying so hard this morning after H left, because in my mind I don't want to give up, but my heart, my emotions, are spent. I am ambivalent now - I was so sure of my love all these months, now I don't know. I love him but am repelled by him. I have not felt the urge to touch him, which I used to fight all the time. Never, in the past months, have I felt this way.

I suddenly had a thought this morning - I realized that this is probably how H feels as well about our situation. That horrible feeling of wanting to escape.

I do realize now that there must be something still keeping him with us as he has not left.