How do you trust someone who isn't sorry?

[hope2011]

True. I was married for 10 years the first go around, I understand this. I got married, fully committed to stick it out, come hell or high water. Both times. My H is a runner though. All his "I want to be married forever, I regret the first divorce, I tried to save the 2nd marriage for years but she wouldn't give up drinking, I have never cheated on anyone in my life, I want a best friend to grow old with", etc... all that talk, I thought he meant it too. Now, even little arguments or disagreements and he's ready to run. Or rather, says he ready to run to hold that threat over my head to get me to comply with whatever. Probably a bit of both.

Ugh, all my posts this week are so angry. I'm in the anger phase, I know this. I am angry. He's been a complete jerk and he has had no consequences to it at all. None. He's broken my heart and couldn't care less.

This is where I messed up being in DB with the XH. He came back and my anger got the best of me and I couldn't DB. I questioned him, I got upset, I couldn't forgive him and I was a b!tch and he ran.

I'm trying hard not to do this again. H hasn't seen my anger, he's not privy to all my pain I type here. I am DB'ing. But it's soooo much harder living with him and DB'ing when I'm hurting. It has benefits too. I know I'm lucky that he's still here, that he's trying. But it doesn't erase everything that's happened and it's hard not being able to deal with what's happened, to not be able to talk about it or work through it. I don't want to punish him. I just want him to be sorry he hurt me and care.

I don't know if I can work through this alone and still DB but I'm trying.

I know when I treat him how I want to be treated, he reciprocates, he tries. So I am going to do more of that. And in the end, no matter what happens, I can hold my head up. If it makes me a doormat, then sobeit. I tried the raging b!tch path for 2 years in this M and before in my first marriage and it didn't work. At this point, what do I have to lose by being kind?

On that thought... I text him this morning "I hope you have a good day". He responded within 10 minutes "You too!". He never uses exclamation marks.

30 minutes later he called. Said good morning, may have asked me how I'm doing but I don't think he did. Asked about the dog. Said he was walking a quarter mile to his meetings from the hotel. I asked why, he said he didn't have money. I asked him why he didn't ask me for help, he said he was ok. He was cheerful. I offered to deposit some money in his acct so he has enough to get home on. He said he was ok. I asked how he was eating, he said hotel breakfast, lunch at work. I asked how he was going to pay for his bags on his flight tomorrow and he hadn't thought of that. I again offered to send him money, he said ok. It was a blow to his pride I'm sure. He may have said thanks but I don't remember. He ended the call when he got to his meeting. No ILY (he rarely does).

So now, I'm torn. Trying to be nice, DB, be a good person despite what he does. But kicking myself too. This is the guy who left me on the side of the road overnight in January. But I am a bigger person, I am a better person than that. I can't live with myself if I left anyone stranded. But at the same time... I wish he was the same. I wish he would treat me like how I treat him. I know me helping him, him being stuck is a blow to his ego. I know he's thinking about how he wasn't there for me. I know he feels bad but I don't hear the words, I don't feel my pain is validated. But I know he thinks and overthinks everything, and he turns his failures over his head a hundred times. So maybe part of me wanting to do the right thing and help him here and is some satisfaction that he's thinking about what he did wrong and maybe he'll think "I don't deserve her" and wake up and be the guy I do deserve.

A girl can hope.

I'm sick so my thoughts are scattered, sorry. Woke up with a fever and cold chills and am out of sorts. Sick and driving in the pouring rain to help H out of a situation he got himself into and I haven't said 1 negative thing about it.... I am a damn good wife sometimes.