update

[Denver_2010]

But, as a w and a human being, there are times when you have a right to some answers. I know I am probably going to start an argument here, but you do have a right to know certain things. Like, uh, I don't know, if your H still wants a divorce.

FOBD,

Sure, we all want to and eventually should know where the final choice for the M is...

However, there is a time and place for these discussions. And they are NOT every few weeks usually. Sometimes, not even every few months.

This thinking also lends to the idea that the LBS has NO power in the situation.

It is controlling and manipulative. It is showing insecurity and fear. It is allowing someone else to make the decisions for your life.

If you want to stand for your M, then stand for it. Be true to it, yourself, and your vows.

Do it for yourself, NOT your spouse. Until you are ready to do something differently.

Ultimately, they may file. Or they may not. They may say they want to reconcile and at that point, the LBS is faced with the decision to try or not.

Sometimes, the damage is too great. Sometimes, we haven't healed enough to be able to take the necessary steps. That is shameful.

The reason people come here is to save marriages.

That is the GOAL. However, if you don't take the proper steps toward the GOAL, you will find that you are unprepared to do what is necessary to MAINTAIN it afterwards.

Piecing, is WAAAAAAY, harder than separation, divorce, or living alone. WAAAAY harder than what you are doing right now.

It takes strength like you never imagined. There will be things, thoughts and feelings, that will get triggered and if you don't have the tools to deal with them, you will fail. And you will be back here or somewhere like here.

Piecing also doesn't just occur in a reconciled marriage. It occurs in any romatic relationship you might have in the future. Is it fair to a new partner to let fears from the past affect the R? Nope. Is it fair to your S, to let things that hurt you from the past keep creeping back into the M? Nope. It will happen though. That is why you must, MUST, really look beyond the idea of reconciliation.

It is simply a step in the process.

The really hard work, comes from the relationship itself. If you want to be successful, you have to look inside. You have to take the time and DO THE WORK.

It's the only way.

Thanks Cat. That was a great post.