Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

[Bolt]

Harrier - one of those days for me too. Not as bad, but not having a great day. Weather around here stinks today. Lots of rain. W's traffic in the morning is always terrible when it rains, so she left in a hurry with just a "love you, bye" quick comment then out the door. I'm sure she was just dreading her drive, then she didn't call me this AM as she sometimes does. Again, she was probably late getting to work and didn't have time. On top of that, the bad weather just has me in a funk. I'm just bitching. No reason for me to be having a tough day, but I am.... I'll get over it. I'm just so tired of this process. I really want it to be over. But what choice do I have? The only way I get to the end it leads to a result that is terrible, so I guess I man up and keep going.

Also, doing a lot of second-guessing today too. If W doesn't want me, then why do I want her? Or does she want me? She asked me to come back, didn't she? But that was 4 months ago. But again, she's not shy about saying what she wants and certainly wasn't shy the first time she told me it was over, therefore if she wanted me gone, wouldn't she just say it again? Does her NOT saying that mean that she wants me there? Her mood and demeanor is much better now than it was pre-bomb. We get along great, but she can't bring herself to touch me. She tells me that she loves me, but she tells certain friends that too. Is her saying ILY just rote? Is her feeling of love the same as mine? How will I trust that she won't want to leave again down the road? When does my waiting and working become me being a pansy and when should I just call it quits? Is that Great marriage we all want just around the corner or will we never get there and waste years trying? Some say that it will take one month per year of marriage. Ok, that means 8 months, we're half way there. That's cool, I can make it but what happens when we get to 8 months and things are the same? Then we go 12? Then 18? Then 24? How long can I accept having this roommate that I love and want, but can't have? I don't want to pressure her or impose deadlines or ultimatums, but when do I say crap or get off the pot, honey?

First off...it is perfectly normal to go through this. I did yesterday too. I was packing for our move and wanted to just pack all of my stuff in a suitcase and be done with it...was it something in the gamma rays from the sun?

anyway...it was just a day...that's it.

I know it doesn't help too much to hear its normal but it is. I'm sure you have great days too. Guess what? So does she. She has those days that have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU but we still feel like it does. That just makes all of this stink.

I thought about this. I have reacted to little things WAY much more than I did pre-bomb. You know why? I was comfortable in my relationship. It's that easy. Now, I don't want to go back to where I was in the relationship there but I wasn't this little insecure b##tch. I hate when I feel that.

The question I have for you is, have you thought about having a different conversation about the R? What I mean is that you can express how YOU feel about certain things like the touching. Say it in a way that makes you hurt. Like, Babe it makes me feel neglected when you don't touch my shoulder when you walk by me or don't kiss me goodbye. I miss the attention you gave me and I hurt because of it.

Maybe not those exact words but something that puts it in a way that isn't accusatory...like Why don't you touch me?

I have to tell you, I just did this with my W. Using kind, gentle words and I saw immediate dividends. I told her that it hurt that I couldn't get close to her and that I was missing an emotional connection with her. She said she was doing as much as she could and that it was hard. I agreed and understood but also said that sometimes we do something that is difficult or unfamiliar until it becomes something we like and want to do. I then gave her a huge hug that was a lot more sensual than our normal ones.

I see that as a step forward. Honestly, I was getting tired of just sitting back and waiting BUT I didn't force her. Some may think that conversation was forcing but I think that because we speak different love languages and she doesn't speak mine, it is hard for her to even know what to do.

By me telling her, it gave her a little road map. A check list, if you will to follow.

anyway...it's just a thought...