I called and unfortunately they had already gone to sleep. I spoke to the wife for a few minutes, civil yet apologetically. Said our goodbyes and hung up. No miss you or no I love you from either of us.
This is where your brain backslides and tries to convince yourself you are calling to talk to the kids. Bull! You know they are in bed and that your W will answer. Why would you wake them up and disturb their sleep and maybe prevent them from going back to sleep? You wouldn't, so that's when you get to tell wife to tell the children how much you miss them. This is exactly what I meant before, so don't hand me that stuff about "trust me, it's only b/c of my kids that I call". I think you see it as an opportunity to talk to your W, b/c detaching is just too hard for you.
Besides that, why do you have to chat with her before you talk to them....and then you have to chat with her "afterward"? Can't they just hang up after the good-byes are said? I mean, these aren't small children. This is a prime example of what I meant by using your kids! Don't think for a minute she doesn't see through it. Stop deceiving yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I called spoke to my son or a few, then asked if my daughter was there, my son said she was int he shower and asked me if I wanted to talk to mom, I told him not right now.
I called back about 20 mins later and wife answered, I asked if daughter was there and I chatted with her for a few. Then daughter gave phone to my wife and she questioned why I did not want to talk to her, I just said I wanted to chat with kids before bed. Not much more other than wife asked how my mom was doing in recovery from surgery. I DID GOOD
today makes it another day gone by that I sent no email, Lats night I called and she asked how I was and I said good, just calling to say goodnight to the kids. My son handed the phone back so I spoke nicely but did not give any indication of chase or needs of her. Feeling a lot better about my actions the last few days.
I was unable to call my kids today and now I am kinda mad because I miss the kids. I still have not gotten an email form my wife this whole time. But I guess she is enjoying her time away from me as well. I ill be able to keep plugging along, I will be home this weekend so we shall see how it goes.
I was in the EXACT same boat as you. I would call to talk to my kids, and then always end up talking to W for a minute or so. Occasionally they would already be in bed, and I would get mad because I miss them and then I would want to have a "talk" with W. These conversations NEVER went well.
I asked W if I was giving her the space she needs...and she told me straight up that every time I call to talk to the kids and then ask to talk to her it got her worked up, and she'd take a step back from me. It was hard, and took me awhile to figure out, but I finally stopped...and things have been looking up since then...
Sandi is DEAD ON with her advice...I know it's hard as hell, but keep it up, and don't let yourself backslide.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
