BITS, The sad part is that in my heart, I know that what each of you has said to me is correct and the best thing for me. I really do and I really appreciate the sentiments and support. It is just hard. Not that I need to tell any of you here that information. We have all walked this road at some point or are still walking it now.
I guess I shouldn't have sent the text. But, I didn't want the day to go by without trying to be "nice" to her. I was told to give this a try by my coach and I am now 0 for 2.
Here is where I am going wrong and I do know it. I want reciprocity for my actions. When she texts me, I respond. When she needs stuff from the house, needs money, needs anything, I respond because that is the right thing to do as her husband. It is also the right thing to do via the DB'ing principles. But when the tables are turned, she will not do the same. She was the one that stated she hoped we could be friends when this was over. Is this how you treat a friend? I am being as "friend-like" as possible. And, most importantly, it comes down to common courtesy. I am a southern gentleman. I believe in calling strangers and my elders "sir" and "ma'am," I hold doors for people and I always apologize if I bump into someone in a crowd. So, I don't think it is too much to ask to show your partner of 15 years some common courtesy. But, maybe that is where I am wrong and setting myself up for failure...
The fact of the matter is that I am damned if I do and I damned if I don't. A lack of communication was one of our biggest problems when we were married. She complained about that constantly. So, after talking with my coach and months of going dark, she advised me to slightly step up the communication. Well, that is not going so well. Going dark only caused her to go darker. Trying to communicate is not working either.
Folks, I know my W pretty well. If I had to bet a large sum of money, she is still punishing me. Apparently she can only put that punishment phase aside when she is standing in front of me. There she is nice as pie and cries as she asks about me. But, behind the "electronic wall" of email and texting, she is still a cold-hearted individual with an agenda that is not going to be a good thing for FOBD.
This past Saturday was the six month anniversary of her leaving. In my state, a couple with no kids can skip the LS and move straight to the D and it is instant as soon as the judge signs the papers. Now we are in a new territory. Each knock at the door is going to bring me some dread as I will have to look out the peephole wondering if a city constable is standing on my doorstep. Maybe I should beat her to the punch... Does that sound "messed up?" Sure it does. But each day I come here and have people tell me that I need to do what is best for me. Well, the last couple of weeks the following thought has crossed my mind quite a bit: "Maybe what is best for me is for this entire thing to be over and for me to move on." I miss her. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But, I don't deserve to be tortured or made to feel badly daily by someone I love. If I was TRULY being "good to myself" and TRULY "taking care of me," I would be down at the courthouse right now. But, I will wait. I owe my marriage more than 6 months of trying and waiting. I really do.
I will spend this week focusing on my family and my brother's wedding. They are the ones that truly deserve my attention and affection. She can continue to "stew in her hate" without me for now.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
It is very understandable that it is during these times we do crave some reciprocity from our spouses. Sadly that is one commodity that i am sure other folks here might say is a rare one. You see I am actually on the D path. Everytime wife needs something, she's in full contact mode (bank info, account details). After she gets them, total darkness. It killed me. Even now I hate it when i see her number because i know that she's calling me so that she can get some info from me.
Oddly until this week i thought that i'd never make it without her (and my precious daughter). Just realized. I am sure i can live without her. Hell, I can actually thrive. I am right now at the point for looking for new relationships.
Maybe you need to open up to new people. New friends. New activities. Reach out to family if you are in good terms with them. I dont want to offend you, but I'd say you are lucky that you dont have kids. Everyday and every moment i see kids anywhere i cannot help but tear up knowing I am missing every single precious moment of my baby.
I have slowly started believing in the saying "All that happens is for your own good. You just don't know it yet"
take care.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
My wife still lives in the same house as me with our 3 kids. She is fully detached from me and has made it clear that she is not interested in working on the marriage. She chooses whether or not to respond to my emails or text messages. At home she rarely inquires into how I am feeling, what I am doing or what I have done.
I limit the amount of communication that I initiate with her. When I do initiate, I expect nothing in return. When she initiates I know that it is typically because she needs or wants something. Its just the way things are. Does it bother me? Yes. Do I let it consume me? No.
I am always polite and upbeat in my responses but beyond that I do not really care if she chooses to not say good morning, not say goodnight or not respond to an email. I treat her as a friend and nothing more. At times I would prefer to be in your situation. no kids and wife moved out. I could then move on and start my new life with no strings attached.
We all need to move on and become a new and improved version of ourselves. Whether our wives want to buy-in to the new us is up to them. What keeps me going is that my wife put up with my faults for 10 years before she gave up. The 15 months that I have put into this since the bomb was dropped is nothing.
We all know that this is a painful process. The problem is that at times the pain is far beyond what we ever imagined.
Karma and Punchy, Thanks for the input. And, don't worry, I am not in any way offended by your inputs. Yes, I am a bit lucky in the fact that we don't have children who might get hurt in this thing. And, yes, the time apart from her has helped me to better understand myself and my faults and shortcomings.
It just comes down to a basic principle of civility. We were together for 15 years, married for 10, lived together for 12. You would think that I deserve just a bit better than to be completely ignored. But, I guess thinking like that is thinking logically. Nothing to this point in her actions has been logical, so I am not sure why I expect anything differently now.
I so badly want to save this thing. More than words will ever express. But, if you were in a boat out at sea and it was leaking, would you continue to bail as hard as you could while someone in the front of the boat continued to shoot holes in the floor???
I wish both of you the very best in your own sitchs. I hope someday we call all be a in a happier and better place with our without our current spouses.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
FOBD, I wish I was a better example of what I am about to preach, but I think your feelings of bailing the water is due to focusing on what you cannot control. You cannot control what your W does. All of this may not save your M. BUT, if you focus on what you can control, you will right the ship. You will be a better person.
Hang in there man.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Country, now that I think about it, you are right. I boomer-ranged myself with my own example. This is why I come here. So, that others can help me see the forest for the trees. I do appreciate your help, buddy!
Take care!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
YOU ARE WAAAAAAAAY better than the needy man you are portraying. Like you need some sort of validation from her. Granted, It doesnt take much effort for her to give you some common courtesy but dont you think that speaks volumes.
She simply doesnt care about your feelings. I think you have to accept that for now and I echo TG's remarks Take away her power and you will be much better off.
I have read many of your posts offering advice to others. YOU KNOW what is right for FOBD.
ITS time to heed your own advice.
9
BITS
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
You need to let go of the marriage. We know that you want to save the marriage, but that is something that is beyond your control. The marriage as you knew it is dead. Your only option is to become a new and better person and then perhaps your wife may want to come back and start a new relationship with you.
At this time there is nothing to save. It is finished. I am in the same position. My wife has told me that she can't go back. I have to accept that. What I can do is work on improving myself, so that if she does decide to reconsider our relationship she will see value in doing so. I have told her that I am not asking her to go back, I am simply asking her to open her door just abit so that she can see if I am worth starting a new relationship with.
Its hard for us to understand how they can just walk away from 10 or 15 years of a relationship. But for them, if they were not happy in that relationship, then this is a positive step forward. Returning to the relationship would be a step backwards.
