PUTTING HOPE AWAY

[ninelives]

Hey guys and gals:

Havent posted for awhile but I have been following many of your threads. Especially FOBD, DENVER, Islander, COUNTRY, IDLE
etc..

Congrats to Denver. Looks like you are on your way

Also Islander
I do caution both of you , especially Islander. Be careful. She may turn at any time. My wife came back to me and continued her affair after a couple of weeks.

Okay, heres my update for those of you that can remember.

I went to the birthday party of our son. It was very awkward and she was nice to me but I paid her little attention. It was very difficult for me to be at her house were she had her affair with OM and continues to sleep with him there when she doesnt have the our son. Not everydsay and I dont really know when this happens but I know it does.

She has been nice to me but I ignore her for the most part. The only time I see her as at our sons hockey games where I coach and we dont talk there.

She contacted me a few weeks ago prior to this , very upset about the way her life is going. I asked her if she believed in Karma and she questioned why.

I told her that I must have done some bad things for the state of our lives to be going this way. She told me she would probably come back as a snake in her next life to pay back the hurt she has caused.

I asked her not to text me anymore last week unless it was an emergency with the kids. And she complied for the most part.

Yesterday, I called her because son was sick and I asked her if she worked today. She told me she wasnt working so I asked her if she would look after our son.

Then I had a change of heart. I decided to call in sick, something I rarely ever do , to look after son 10.

I called her back and told her that I was going to look after son and thanks but I wouldnt be needing her.

She said she wanted to look after him and that it was her pleasure to do so.

I politely declined her assistance. and spent a great day home with our son.

She texted me a few hours later saying she missed looking after him whe he was sick and that boy things sure have changed. I think she meant that I actually took a day off rather than go to work. That really bothered her that I would not take sick days when I am given 20 paid ones a year.


9
BiTS

[ninelives]

Well the drama contiued. She then called me on the phone and asked If I got her latest text. Apparently , she has lost her full time position as a nurses assistant at the hospital and will now go back to part time. Something she cannot stand. She now gets only a few shifts and is at the beck and call of getting called in to cover shifts. Its a nasty way to work as you can rarely plan anything.

Not only that, but she is practically broke, and owes so much money. I covered all of that before. She complained to me about how unfair it was that she did not get her job back and then came back to my Karma comment a week earlier. I said, well there may be something to that but then I leant a sympathetic ear.

I guess OM as a short order cook doesnt have the funds to help her. She made a reference to how bad she has screwed up her life and I only said. What do you want me to say?

We talked a bit more and I am concerned for her. She hasnt signed the papers yet for the legal separation and is now desperate to get her settlement money from me. I told her that all systems were go but she didnt want the divorce, just the legal separation.

We ended the conversation on good terms but she cried alot. Then at 10:45 she sent me another text stating.

"I just want to die, I am so sick of my whole useless life"

I asked if she was Ok , and then she responded again saying that she was Ok but was upset with the turn of events.

I almost felt that she wanted me to ask her to come home but all I said was, I guess a time machine wouldn't be a bad thing right now and she said, Yeah, she would want to erase the day she was born. Kind of a Pity party.

I gave her more words of encouragement and told her to grieve her dismissel and she will.

She said she was on the phone with her stewart and then around midnight, she texted me again and thanked me for helping her since i didnt have to at all.

I told her that things werent exactly rosy on this end either as I am trying to get the money to buy her out and ran into a little snag. I told her now that all this is gone down that my mortgage will be paid off when im 71 and hers will be paid off when she is in her 80's.

i asked her if she would do me a favour and that we could celebrate those dates together. She laughed and said it was a date.

Then she thanked me again as she really appreciated the support.

I said, with tongue firmly in cheek, "thats what ex husbands are for"

She texted back and said, OMG, im going to cry again and said ex wives are also there for tough times.

I didnt respond.

She called back in the morning and gave me more of an update of the sitch at work.

Im pretty sure my marriage is over for good. OM continues to be in her heart but at times I could feel the regret in her voice,

i dont want her coming back so I can be her meal ticket.

9
BITS

[gr8 day 2B alive]

9L.

It sounds like you are being too supportive of her.
She is not having buyers remorse for deciding to have an affair.

I believe she is having regrets of breaking up the the family.
No she will go into depression.

It's not your job to comfort her for her bad decisions.

Remember you were fired from being her H?

Comforting is part of being M.
XH do not comfort their XWs

[hope2011]

It doesn't sound over. It sounds like she hates her life now, regrets all her mistakes, is waking up to the consequences of her actions and wants to come home. No woman who wants out of a marriage and is done with her H continues to confide him, admit she's making mistakes, cries over the D, etc.

Question is... What do you want?

[ninelives]

two conflicting opinions.

Gr8, I am supporting her for now because she is in dire straights. I dont know how stable she is as she was in a mental hospital 4 months ago. She is the mother of my children and truth be told, I do feel sorry for her. But part of me is right there with the Karma theory. What goes around comes around.

I know that down the road I will not support her at all. Once this thing takes the course I think its going to take.

Hope: IDK if she regrets her actions. She has stated to me that she was very unhappy in our marriage but I just wonder if she is even more unhappy now. I believe she is the type of person that may NEVER be happy. If thats the case, why would I want her back with even so much more baggage than she had before?

So the answer to your question? I dont know what I want. I know that i dont want to keep feeling like this. I know that most of us on this board have forgotten what it trully feels like to be happy. I want that feeling again as it used to be such a big part of me.

9
BITS

[ninelives]

Just signed my separtation papers. Her turn tomorrow. Never thoght it would come to this a few short years ago. Hell even last summer when she came back I thought. Thank God, her senses came back to her just in time. She signed but then begged me not to.

Now, I dont know how to feel. It fluctuates from extreme sadness to oh well, gotta move forward. What an effed up bag a chemicals we are as humans.

I wonder what drama awaits me tonight about her job. I really dont want to talk to her but I also want her to sign before she changes her mind about the settlement and then there is a whole new kettle of fish to deal with.

Feeling kind of low but I guess thats up to me how I feel.

9
BITS

[Navyguy]

I think hope is correct...doesn't sound to me like she's sure she wants to be done...at this point I think it's your choice 9...

[Brian in Hville]

Do you remember the times you both were happy together? Do you want that again?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

9 two conflicting opinions.

1 is a hard line approach and the other is DB unless you are Last Resorting it.

If you can afford to be nice and comforting what does it hurt you to do so?

And you guys might become legally seperated but that doesn't make you 'ex''s yet, or did I miss something?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

But part of me is right there with the Karma theory. What goes around comes around.

9L,
that's not what Im talking about. That way is just being a jerk.

What I mean is for you to let her deal with her issues for herself. We man tend to want to be rescuers, it's natural for us to think that way. You are an enabler towards her.

I remember if my W was in a bad mood it brouht the whole family down. I tried to appease her but I know now that was wrong.
I should have let her deal with her problems alone.

Perfect exam[le is all of us LBS here. It took our S leaving us for us to make a change.They left our issues with us.
We chose to get help through these forums.

Let her chose how she gets her help.

It normal not to know what you want right now too. But it time when you look back you will learn and know what you want.

I believe she is the type of person that may NEVER be happy. If thats the case, why would I want her back with even so much more baggage than she had befo

I hear you, my W is no happier now then when she left me.
Turns out I'm not the cause of her unhappiness.

We are all responsible for our own happiness.

Take time for yourself.