Standing up to the punches

[Redo]

BITS

First off, I really would like to thank all of you guys for being this incredible support force that helped me stay on a good path. I would have been a mess without the help of this forum.

I thought i'd go ahead and start a new thread for couple of reasons. First, i think may be reaching the old thread limit. But second and more importantly, i think i might have reached a hidden milestone. So this new thread.

Link to old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2138373&page=1

I feel incredibly happy today. so much so i think it may be illegal . But here's the kicker. It has nothing to do with my wife or our sitch. As usual, no contact from her. She only contacts for more info. I still have that ceremony coming up this saturday where i'll have to face her family. I also have some crazy dental appts coming up next week that could drain my wallet...So, i do have my fearful moments coming up.

But why am i so happy?? I dunno. I cannot explain. At-least this morning i feel like i can take on the world. Well it could be a culmination of things.

1: For the first time in a long time, i could actually tuck in my shirt into my jeans and my belly not pop out. I dressed good today. I got my dad to take some pictures of me. I know i still have a long way to go in terms of losing more weight. But i think i can do it. Hell, i want to feel good when dressing good. I actually want women to look at me

2: I just started the NUTs book. And i have to say, it is good. Helps a lot in calming that 'little boy' feeling inside. I think it gives good practical advice to some recovering doormats like me. I have this wanting to be like a real man and handle things that way. In a long time when i visited a store yesterday and browsed through the kids section, i did not cry. Tears came out. But no crying. I was in control of my emotions. I know i can get better.

3: I actually have set some real tangible goals for myself that i can look forward to and meet them. Looking to start a music class soon. want to become good at the piano. I am also starting to prepare for GRE. Then starting another graduate degree next year.

4: I have always tried to appease people. Including my parents. Although i used to protest, i always eventually ended up doing their bidding. I guess one reason was that i was scared of the unknown. But for once right now I have taken that path of traveling that unknown on my shoulders. I told them how i am planning to mold my life from now and asked them to help me by just offering suggestion, not telling me what to do. While this right now applies to my parents, I am also gonna apply the same to others. I cannot sway with the wind. I gotta stand up to my own rational convictions. Hold on to my NUTs so to speak.

5: I guess this was a kickstarter here, but as i said, i have been checking out some matchmaking sites. I did feel horribly guilty last week, but hey I did not contact anyone here. Nor do i intend to right now. Unless my wife absolutely wants to get the divorce and be out of my life, I am using this website just to feel good. I feel like a parasite, but hey i gotta start somewhere. But yes, if the divorce goes through, I think i am mostly done. I am ready to start new. If my wife feels that my depression is so bad that she cannot live with me, then thats her loss. Deep in my heart i love her a lot. But i am realizing that this life and you have to move on. This is just the tip of the life-iceberg. If i cannot think properly here, I can mature out for later events.

I dont know, I think rambled a lot here. But i thought i'd sorta mark down this moment so it acts like a milestone that i can revisit later. And if this rambling can help someone, then great!!!