......are these itty bitty baby steps?

[Lost Rabbit]

Hi GAG, I know I only pop in and catch up but the big thing that grabbed me is that you and H are communicating really painful stuff to each other.. Well you are allowing H an ear/shoulder to talk to you and I know he will appreciate that, Im sure thats one of the things that probably went missing in your R it certainly did in mine, we become to quick to think we know what they are thinking and not ask.. The fact that a) he brought up the sis incident and b) you also agreed to help him combat dealing with sis is a big move forward, you may not realise it but you are working like a team again.. teams need to communicate who is doing what plays, if we all assume BOB is going to throw the ball and all stand there waiting for him, one he may not have the ball, two he may not realise we are waiting for him to throw and three we havent communicated where its going once its been thrown or to whom it should be thrown.. In this little ball scenario you can see how a few assumptions get the whole team no where fast! In some way it would be good for you to show him you will be a team player in what is about to happen with MIL, obviously you cannot dictate to him but let it be known you will be there for him, and will do anything to assist him when the time comes.. This will really throw him for six.. big tip what ever you do DO NOTHING that will appear to be MOTHERING HIM.. One of the few times my H has lost his rag was around the time his mother died, a week or two before he would have agreed probably with the opinion I had of her (she thought I was wrong for her little boy) but the weeks after she went she achieved sainthood for a while, to rock this boat would not be good! So keep any affection you show him sexual rather than mothering if at all possible! Take care will pop in soon x

[Mila]

GAG, first of all I'm sorry to hear that ex MIL is taking a turn for the worse, that must be hard on everyone.

As for your last evening with Mr GAG...wonderful, all positive...I see that you are building up more and more trust and closeness...and that Mr GAG so obviously wants you in his life...keep it up

[Sanderika]

Hi GAG,

I wanted to say more yesterday and couldn't get through the post.

A lot of how your XH will handle his Mother's death will depend on their relationship over the years and how he presumes it was.

I will offer some more of my H's life with his Mother....

My H was the 3rd Son of 4 boys. He always felt like the odd man out the black sheep in the flock. The two older boys were best buds and left H out, the youngest was the baby and got all the attention and got away with everything. H was not close to any of the 3. They remember that he always played alone and can remember teasing him. He liked to read and would often be found doing just that. H is a loner as an adult.

When H was barely a month old he ended up in the hospital near death due to dehydration. I have made up my own assumption after many years of knowing MIL and believe that she suffered a severe postpartum depression after H was born and he was dehydrated due to her neglect.

As he grew he suffered seizures and no one knew why. She always said that H knew when one was going to happen and he would give himself the medication he needed. I find that really odd. H suffered these between the ages of 1 and 6. I feel that is too young for one to administer their own medication.

My MIL would send H to stay with her Mother every summer vacation for the entire vacation (11 weeks), none of the other boys would go just H. Grandmother lived approx. 3 hours away and he would stay/live-in with her the entire summer. H has very fond memories with his Grandmother, he said they would just sit and talk for hours. She was the sort of woman who had soft demeanor and patience galore. He said he felt special there. MIL always said to me "Mama understood D----". I assumed from that comment that she did not really bond with H.

Over the years FIL and MIL would visit with the other boys and families/vice versa and H and I never really spent much time with them or the others.

When our son was born MIL spent a week with me and she really felt like she bonded with my son. I always wondered if that was something she needed to do because she knew of her shortcomings with H. I have heard my Mother say "God gives us Grandchildren so we can get it right the second time".

Our son would go and spend weeks and weekends with FIL and MIL on many occasions. They lived 3 hours away from us. I made sure he had a connection to them and he loved to visit with them.

On our son's 8th birthday, we had a huge family party. His birthday always falls Memorial Weekend. Everyone was in attendance EXCEPT....MIL!! We knew she was not really feeling well - at this point in time we did not know she had cancer and was dying, rather instead she spent the day on their yacht and expected us to bring son by after the festivities. H was BS with his Mother!!! He was so angry he refused to bring son to see her.

We did not have any contact with her from that day until she ended up in the hospital on the 4th of July. On the 5th we learned she had 3 months to live and she died 3 months later to the day on October 4th.

My H took her death the hardest out of the 4 boys. He was unconsolable during many moments at her wake. The others remarked that they thought the oldest would have taken it the hardest, they could not believe it was my H that did. They all commented that they thought he was not close to her. I think he was not ready to lose her. I think he had unfinished business with her and it contributed to a huge part in the onset of his MLC.

GAG, I think a lot of what you can do for XH during the next few weeks is to realize how his relationship was was her, along with knowing who XH is right now in emotions....will tell you what he needs the most. A lot of what will help him through this is the attention and love you give to XMIL all the while somehow sending him the message you care deeply and love him as well.

I hope I have given you a little more to think about.

I will be thinking about you and sincerely hoping XMIL transition in life goes as well as it can under the circumstances.

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

[Cyrena]

Sanderika,

Your experience of MIL's death reminds me a lot of what happened when my H's MIL died. Everybody in his family talked as though she was such an amazing, generous woman. In some ways she was, but my H felt that she unleashed her anger only on him as a child, physically and verbally. Of course, he blamed himself. When he got the call that she was--quite suddenly--probably brain dead and the family needed to gather to agree to take her off life support--he flew to his home country. He fell immediately into a depression, and couldn't even bring himself to buy a return ticket days after the funeral: his father had to remind him that he had his own family to return to.

You say you wish you'd handled your H's grief differently. I'm not so sure it would have made a difference for HIM, although it would have altered how you felt about yourself during that time. I'd gone through the death of a parent, and prepared myself to be extra gentle, nurturing, and really be there for him. Instead, he was like the boy in the bubble. Nothing I said to him got through. He didn't want to be touched or talked to. In a listless, passive-aggressive way, he made me feel as though everything I said or did was the wrong thing. His MLC had started, and he wouldn't really begin to connect with me again for 4 years.

Like you, I wish I'd reacted differently. I don't think anything would have changed for him--he had to start to deal with his mother's abuse. I wish I could have detached sooner, and not buried all loving feelings towards him under steadily growing feelings of rejection, anger, resentment, loneliness, etc. However, none of us should blame ourselves for how we acted in the past--like our H's, we did the best with the tools we'd been given up to that point.

GAG, I think Sanderika is spot on: how your H reacts to his mother's death depends entirely on whether he still has unresolved issues with her. It would definitely be worth trying to get him to talk/think about this before she passes. Do you have a sense of what the issues are which drove him into an MLC, and is there a connection?

Other than that, you are amazing and are doing such a good job of rebuilding your friendship (and of supporting your MIL)--good on you!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cyrena,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us.

Thank you for taking the time to speak to me about my own feelings about my H and offering a different way to look at the situation.

I will always have regrets about that two year period of time in my life. I hope I have made up for my behavior to others ten-fold in the journey I have traveled and lessons I have learned along the way since.

I overcame my own selfish, I guess you could call it MLC, state of being and feel I have so much to offer others. I would not trade who I have become for anything I can think of. I would love to have my H back though.

I think the key solution to a lot of our problems would have been to realize and recognize we were dealing with a MLC in them sooner rather than later after they already had decided to leave us/children and home. Had we been able to see it emerge from the onset our lives most likely would have turned out very differently.

Thank you again for your support.

Sanderika

[goodattitudegirl]

I played TT with XH this evening. He almost rescheduled a business trip (which would have canceled our weekly TT game) because of a big snowstorm that was predicted, but the storm blew through south of here. What I learned from this episode is that XH scheduled his business trip for Monday-Tuesday. He usually plays racquetball on Mondays, so it appears he was willing to miss racquetball but wanted to be back in town before Wednesday. Wondering if he did that in part so that he could play TT?

X-MIL has not been eating much for the past few weeks. After my convo last week with XH in which he became teary-eyed about his mother’s approaching death, I stepped up my support a bit. Whereas I had been visiting every 2 weeks in the past, last week I visited 3 times, spending time trying to get her to eat. When she still wasn’t eating on Friday, I decided to buy ingredients so I could make a couple of her favorite foods. Monday after work I spent 4 hours cooking and baking and yesterday I brought the food and visited X-MIL for 2 hours. She REALLY enjoyed the casserole I made (one of her favorites) and kept saying “I’m hungry. I’d like more”. She ate about a cup of casserole, so that was a wonderful reward for my efforts. I took photos of X-MIL and texted them to XH and X-SIL last night. This morning they responded thanking me for doing that.

Last night when I was at X-MIL’s place I saw on her calendar that XH is planning a week long vacay beginning March 19th. In my mind I immediately questioned who he was going with (just being honest about my gut response) and I could feel the resentment welling up inside me because with all of the home and car repairs I’ve been saddled with recently I can’t afford to take time away from work, let alone have a vacay. My last vacay was 2 ½ years ago and I’ve been short-tempered lately, especially with patients who are late for their appointments and who seem to think that I’m just visiting with them, rather than interviewing them so that I can make a diagnosis. I’m not handling my stress well these days. XH said thanks a couple times in emails and text messagse but that’s it. I don’t think he has any clue how much time and effort I’ve put into helping his mother……… Now.......... it has been my decision to do those things and I take responsibility for my choices, but I can feel resentment building because I’ve really bent over backwards and have received really minimal thanks from XH (his sister to the contrary has been very nice to always acknowledge what I do for their mother). This mirrors what happened in our M in that H/XH felt that he was doing the lion’s share of work around the house but since he didn’t cook or grocery shop or plan for vacations he didn’t really have any idea how much effort was involved in doing those things. I feel the need to step back from X-MIL for the near future. X-MIL seemed better last night and I need a break to take care of myself. Based on last night my sense is that X-MIL won’t pass away in the next 2-3 weeks as I previously thought. I have no inside information from the medical team, so I’m only guessing based on my interactions with her. I think X-SIL will tell me if there are any significant changes.

So tonight was probably the most boring TT game XH and I have ever had. I have been stressed and so didn’t feel like generating the extra energy needed to make this a fun evening for XH and me. Plus I am trying to make a significant change in my playing style under the tutelage of my TT coach, so I have been missing a lot of shots the last 2 weeks….XH has been very patient with me as I try to change my playing style. XH seemed game to socialize………at the beginning he asked me what was new in my world…………. but I didn’t have any fun things to report, so I just talked to him about visiting his mother the night before. We chatted a bit about that but XH didn’t really pick up the convo, so we moved on to another topic ---- I forget what it was. The only interesting exchange occurred when I smiled at XH and said "I'll bet you never though that I would ever play TT this well when we played TT the first time on that cruise we took years ago". I could see the look of recognition on his face when he said "No. I would have never thought you would do this", to which I replied "I'm full of surprises" while giving him a knowing look. Other than that, there were no other substantive exchanges this evening.

Before leaving the community center I put mauve lip gloss on my lips. As we walked to our cars I reached out to hug XH and I kissed him on the cheek. Pretty sure I left a lip gloss kiss on his cheek, so if he went home to any one (GF#2?) I’ll bet he was met with questions. At the very least, he thought of me when he looked in the mirror…..

I specifically didn’t initiate an invitation to go for drinks, thinking that I’ve been initiating too much recently with X-MIL and that it’s time for XH to step up if our R is going to have a chance to move forward. I’m confused at this point about what to do with this ”initiating vs. waiting for XH to initiate” and I realize that my actions are probably confusing to XH. …………..When I got home I was thinking that XH may have thought I was angry with him because when we were M’ed he used to say he felt like I was angry with him when I was having stress at work. In thinking about the evening and where I would like to go with XH, I thought “I have been putting on a positive front for the last 2 ½ years to minimize XH’s guilt, but at times XH has also responded positively to my opening up to him about challenges in my life” so I wrote him the following e-mail:

“Hey, Sorry if I wasn’t quite as much fun tonight as I normally am. Clinic revenues are down and I’m being hit with a lot of repair bills. I could really use a diversion to recharge my batteries and I bet you could too. You’ve been a wonderful son to your mother, but having a sick parent would take a toll on anyone. Any chance I could interest you in going out to have some fun? GAG”

I sent the e-mail because I’m tired of the status quo and I feel as though I need to try something new to see if change is possible.

GAG

[AntoniaB]

I understand why you would send that email. It seems like you still hold so much of the burden for keeping an even "keel" of sorts, so I can see why in a time of stress, you would send the email you did.

I guess the main thing is to not expect anything, and if he bites, you can be pleasantly happy.

[goodattitudegirl]

Antonia,

Thanks for your understanding words. Even if there were to be a long-term "friendship" between XH and me ---- and that's not something that I"m interested in ---- it would have to be mutual. I'm not interested in any friendship in which I have to do all of the heavy lifting.

GAG

[beatrice]

GAG wise words from both you and Antonia. I agree about relationsihps where one person does the heavy lifting.

Have you heard about the concept of freeloaders, renters and buyers in relationsihps? Freeloaders speak for themselves . . .renters bail out when the going gets tough Buyers invest in relationships long term.

I think that MLC turns these people into renters, and then freeloaders - they regress. Returning to being a 'buyer' takes effort.

It is a stressful time for you both, in different ways, and a testing one . . . .

[Lost Rabbit]

Totally agree with you, even a friendship where one half puts more effort in than the other is very wearing at times. I think your email was good, ok you could say pursuing or you could say being inventive and owning your own stress and offering solutions, if he takes them all well and good if he doesnt back of and do your own thing.. I find when I back off Mr Rabbit and go a bit dim he has started to realise its his responsibility to nurture our relationship as much as its mine.. I have just had three weeks off and Mr Rabbit had time off to do things for himself but didnt seem to enthuastic about US time, so I mention Im feeling a bit neglected and would like similar attention as his hobby and leave it at that... About a week later he mentions it would be good to go away for a weekend together and recharge batteries.. TBH your Mr GAG has too much on his plate to come to the table at the moment, he is still trying to have his cake and eat it on a tray balanced on his lap whilst juggling something else as well, so if you want my honest opinion back off and leave this till MIL has passed.. Be there for him, pass him tissues, look after MIL for your peace of mind not his.. but also take time out to look after yourself. Mr GAG might not like to be told but you are your sole carer now and care for yourself you must, you have it high on your priority list! Enough of my nagging take care Rabbit x