I played TT with XH this evening. He almost rescheduled a business trip (which would have canceled our weekly TT game) because of a big snowstorm that was predicted, but the storm blew through south of here. What I learned from this episode is that XH scheduled his business trip for Monday-Tuesday. He usually plays racquetball on Mondays, so it appears he was willing to miss racquetball but wanted to be back in town before Wednesday. Wondering if he did that in part so that he could play TT?
X-MIL has not been eating much for the past few weeks. After my convo last week with XH in which he became teary-eyed about his mother’s approaching death, I stepped up my support a bit. Whereas I had been visiting every 2 weeks in the past, last week I visited 3 times, spending time trying to get her to eat. When she still wasn’t eating on Friday, I decided to buy ingredients so I could make a couple of her favorite foods. Monday after work I spent 4 hours cooking and baking and yesterday I brought the food and visited X-MIL for 2 hours. She REALLY enjoyed the casserole I made (one of her favorites) and kept saying “I’m hungry. I’d like more”. She ate about a cup of casserole, so that was a wonderful reward for my efforts. I took photos of X-MIL and texted them to XH and X-SIL last night. This morning they responded thanking me for doing that.
Last night when I was at X-MIL’s place I saw on her calendar that XH is planning a week long vacay beginning March 19th. In my mind I immediately questioned who he was going with (just being honest about my gut response) and I could feel the resentment welling up inside me because with all of the home and car repairs I’ve been saddled with recently I can’t afford to take time away from work, let alone have a vacay. My last vacay was 2 ½ years ago and I’ve been short-tempered lately, especially with patients who are late for their appointments and who seem to think that I’m just visiting with them, rather than interviewing them so that I can make a diagnosis. I’m not handling my stress well these days. XH said thanks a couple times in emails and text messagse but that’s it. I don’t think he has any clue how much time and effort I’ve put into helping his mother……… Now.......... it has been my decision to do those things and I take responsibility for my choices, but I can feel resentment building because I’ve really bent over backwards and have received really minimal thanks from XH (his sister to the contrary has been very nice to always acknowledge what I do for their mother). This mirrors what happened in our M in that H/XH felt that he was doing the lion’s share of work around the house but since he didn’t cook or grocery shop or plan for vacations he didn’t really have any idea how much effort was involved in doing those things. I feel the need to step back from X-MIL for the near future. X-MIL seemed better last night and I need a break to take care of myself. Based on last night my sense is that X-MIL won’t pass away in the next 2-3 weeks as I previously thought. I have no inside information from the medical team, so I’m only guessing based on my interactions with her. I think X-SIL will tell me if there are any significant changes.
So tonight was probably the most boring TT game XH and I have ever had. I have been stressed and so didn’t feel like generating the extra energy needed to make this a fun evening for XH and me. Plus I am trying to make a significant change in my playing style under the tutelage of my TT coach, so I have been missing a lot of shots the last 2 weeks….XH has been very patient with me as I try to change my playing style. XH seemed game to socialize………at the beginning he asked me what was new in my world…………. but I didn’t have any fun things to report, so I just talked to him about visiting his mother the night before. We chatted a bit about that but XH didn’t really pick up the convo, so we moved on to another topic ---- I forget what it was. The only interesting exchange occurred when I smiled at XH and said "I'll bet you never though that I would ever play TT this well when we played TT the first time on that cruise we took years ago". I could see the look of recognition on his face when he said "No. I would have never thought you would do this", to which I replied "I'm full of surprises" while giving him a knowing look. Other than that, there were no other substantive exchanges this evening.
Before leaving the community center I put mauve lip gloss on my lips. As we walked to our cars I reached out to hug XH and I kissed him on the cheek. Pretty sure I left a lip gloss kiss on his cheek, so if he went home to any one (GF#2?) I’ll bet he was met with questions. At the very least, he thought of me when he looked in the mirror…..
I specifically didn’t initiate an invitation to go for drinks, thinking that I’ve been initiating too much recently with X-MIL and that it’s time for XH to step up if our R is going to have a chance to move forward. I’m confused at this point about what to do with this ”initiating vs. waiting for XH to initiate” and I realize that my actions are probably confusing to XH. …………..When I got home I was thinking that XH may have thought I was angry with him because when we were M’ed he used to say he felt like I was angry with him when I was having stress at work. In thinking about the evening and where I would like to go with XH, I thought “I have been putting on a positive front for the last 2 ½ years to minimize XH’s guilt, but at times XH has also responded positively to my opening up to him about challenges in my life” so I wrote him the following e-mail:
“Hey, Sorry if I wasn’t quite as much fun tonight as I normally am. Clinic revenues are down and I’m being hit with a lot of repair bills. I could really use a diversion to recharge my batteries and I bet you could too. You’ve been a wonderful son to your mother, but having a sick parent would take a toll on anyone. Any chance I could interest you in going out to have some fun? GAG”
I sent the e-mail because I’m tired of the status quo and I feel as though I need to try something new to see if change is possible.
