Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

Another interesting week. H and I took D to a weekend camp. It was a 3.5 hour drive. Thought we might have some deep conversations on the way home but we ended up just enjoying music. I had to work the next morning and we got back home late, so he just dropped me off and he went back to his place. On Saturday night, he came over and we had some dinner after I got home from work. But he started getting a little visibly anxious and opted to go back to his place when it got a bit late. I said goodbye and went to bed myself. I was awoken at about 2:30 am by my dog who likes to bark at opossums. I checked my phone and saw that H had sent an email at about 130 am saying that he wanted to come over but he had done that a lot recently and thought it was getting weird so he'd refrain. I was a bit bummed but so be it. I got up to use the restroom. When I returned to the room, I was surprised (and slightly freaked out) to find him standing there. I guess he had arrived while I had been in the restroom. He plopped into bed with me and we had some fun and talk slightly turned to R talk. Then, all of a sudden, at about 4 in the morning, he tells me to put my pajamas on. I asked why. He said he wanted to take me to his place. Smartly, I also took along a pair of sweats and off we went.

He moved out a year ago. I have never seen his place. I've offered many times, when he was ill, to bring him meds or food, but he's always declined. He told me later he was always embarassed. So this was significant. Once there, he gave me a brief tour (which wasn't long since his place is very small) and showed me the furniture he'd purchased and we briefly discussed where things should go. All things considered, the place looked a lot better than I'd feared. We ended up in his bed and he asked me an interesting question. I had mentioned that I was glad to see him when he came over. He asked me why I never asked him to stay. I was a bit surprised by the statement. I wasn't able to answer it well. I explained that I didn't want to pressure him, but part of it was that I never knew from day to day, what his state of mind was. I reminded him that just a month ago, if I had asked him to stay, it would have been taken badly. And that it was clear he didn't even want me in his bed while at the conference. He didn't disagree, but still made the point that perhaps I wasn't being true to myself. I couldn't really argue with that, but unfortunately, the whole topic ended up bringing me quite bad memories and I got a bit teary. Somehow the topic vaguely got on the topic of the x-OW and he asked (again) if I had any questions. I told him I wasn't so much interested in the past as I was the current state of things. He said he still talks to her occasionally but they sort of had a falling out recently. I asked why. Apparently, she had offered to fly him out to the midwest to help her pack up all her stuff for her move down here. He declined (although it seemed like it was a half-hearted decline) and she ended up having other guys help her and it was a bad move and problems occured etc etc. He said after that she was a bit snarky because I guess that's the sort of thing a boyfriend is supposed to do. I asked "does she still consider you her boyfriend?" He said that he thought she did, and that she still holds out some hope. He did mention that he knew that moving back in required ending all of that. I appreciate his honesty, yet I continue to be amazed at the continued level of contact they have and his inability to let her go.

Needless to say, we fell asleep at his place and we needed to leave mid morning on Sunday to go get D. So I was glad I brought clothes other than my sweats to walk out of the house with. The drive was pleasant and all three of us had a nice dinner. But then he needed to go. Trying to take his perspective, I told him that I would like it if he stayed, but I understood if he needed to go. He seemed to appreciate my effort and said he'd go and get his overnight stuff and come back. Which he did and he spent the night.

The following day, he was plagued with anxiety issues though. I realize he's going through a lot, but it's hard not to take those types of things personally. And over the course of this week, I've been worried that at some point, *I* might not start having my own MLC. There's just so much to deal with. Yes, he's moving back next week. It's what I dreamed about a year ago. Now I look at it with worry and concern. He's not over the x-OW. He's pretty much told me that. He states love and concern for me (and I believe him to a certain extent), but that's still a pretty hard pill to swallow. I had a dream last night where, in my dream, I was listening in to H's phone conversations without him knowing. He was talking to someone and referred to me as "the one he was with" and x-OW as the "fun one he wanted". I woke up at 3 am and couldn't go back to sleep. The problem is I don't think that's TOO far from the truth. H is currently away for several days working and texted me that he was having dinner with a female coworker of his. It didn't strike me as odd at first, but then it hit me. Why does he do this? He complained to me, at length, about this particular coworker. That she was whiny, inept, and a pain. And the first evening he's in town, he has dinner with her. He's always been a big flirt. He's been in more situations than I can mention, where if he wanted to sleep with someone, he could have. I can honestly say I've never been in that situation because I just don't put myself in those types of situations. So perhaps it was bad DB of me, but I just asked him via text if it would be ok if I had a solo dinner with some guy I was interested in (and at one point he was very flirty with this coworker). Rather than answering the question, he asked who I was interested in. Since I was driving, I didn't respond. He took this to mean that I had initiated radio silence and I think it freaked him out a bit. But I really didn't even WANT to answer at that point. I'm starting to question my sanity. Does this man really want me? Am I just setting myself up for future pain? Don't get me wrong, I truly believe he WANTS to make this work. I'm just not convinced he won't change his mind at some point down the road.

He asked me to call him to talk. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea since I was very confused. He said conversation will help confusion. Part of the purpose in me writing this was the hope that it would help clarify things in my mind. I'm not sure what or how much to tell him. The x-OW thing bugs the hell out of me. I've been patient. And I've never demanded anything. But now HE has made the commitment to move back. I think I'm within my rights to start setting some boundaries. But it just feels so weird. The last time I was open with him about some of my confusion and inner pain, he freaked out on me. So while I would like to discuss some of these things, I really don't want to deal with yet another freak out. Not sure whether I'll end up calling him tonight or not.

My H says he's in awe of my changes, that he wants US to work, and he'll be moving back in one week. I thought none of this would ever happen. And here it is. And yet, it's so much more confusing than one could have ever predicted. *sigh*