The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Gorilla Glue? LOL. That's good stuff though.

I agree kml. I see and have seen a lot of guilt. But I think she has made her peace with that. Who knows, but I suspect so. She blamed me for her leaving (flimsy, but seemed to work for her) for reasons I may never understand; I've stopped trying to understand and just rely on the facts of what I've seen and experienced. I remember during all of this going on I actually thought about just agreeing with her so she wouldn't suffer so much and so visibly. That thinking influenced my decisions and I came dangerously close to completely losing myself. My father pointed that out to me at one point. It was his concern that I would get really messed up in the head. I can see where his concerns were valid.

Kat, you are absolutely correct. I did what I could. I can see, based on some other interactions with her mother, that I can honestly feel sorry for my stbx. Yikes. But not my place to fix her. Really, I have let that go. I get wound up about a few things, but it passes and it is situational now - has been for a long time.

I did get a complaint letter from her lawyer yesterday. Funny. She couldn't complain about what she was in a rage about on Friday, so she lashed out however she could from what I can see. Ok. It's going to get ugly I'm sure. And only over about 3K worth of money from what I can see. I may have to surprise her and agree to that just to end it. I'll play that by ear....

I spoke to her last night. That was weird. She was actually polite although visibly shaking and had very watery eyes. I had no emotion about it. Surprised me and then again, it didn't. Just discussing some emails she thought she sent, it ocurred to me she was angrier at her (perceived) no response. That strikes me as odd as well, but I suspect I just don't know what normal is yet.

I started to feel sorry for her before. I realize that isn't right. She made her choices and she will have to live with them. I made my choices and I have to live with mine. I make mine every day and live with them. But it did strike me as odd that she seemed to want to talk more than just to pass on the information about the kids. She seemed disappointed that I didn't have anything else to say. I'm not. I don't want to talk to her in the first place. Every time I do, I get slapped up side the head not long afterwards almost like it is some sort of game and I'm the whipping post in it. No thanks.

I had to remind myself that this is the same woman that offered me sex if I would initiate the divorce. That Moved out on Mother's day the first time. That couldn't spend time with the kids unless her new friends were around. I remember thinking she shattered into a thousand pieces. I watched this trainwreck for a long time and I know that she did this. Wasn't what I wanted. Still isn't if the truth be known, but I have accepted it and I am moving on as much as I can while still in this legal limbo.

I've told myself I may talk to her again at some point. But conversation is not something I want from her in her current mind. If she ever becomes a reasonable human being again, I'll talk to her. One that doesn't fly into a rage if things aren't as she wants them. One that doesn't try to hurt me at every opportunity she gets. If that happens, I might be willing to talk. Then again, I may not make the time beyond hello. I really couldn't say. It's not that I don't love her. I do. I hope and pray for the best for her (several times a day), but I in no way intend to be abused like that ever again. By anybody. I'll do whatever it takes to not. To that end, when she is polite, I respond. When she is in a rage and mean, I do not. Simple as that.

Don't get me wrong. It still hurts. It pains me to no end to see my kids in this situation. Especially my daughter. I see her idolizing her mother and trying to have a relationship with her and not getting what she is after. I can only guide and help, but not much more. I have offered to help my stbx in her endeavor to be a better parent. Not in those words, but the meaning was there. I support that. It is after all, in the best interest of my kids and myself. My stbx benefits as well, but that's not the deciding factor although I'm not against it. It just is. Surprisingly sometimes, I harbor no ill will towards her. I wouldn't be happy if she got hurt, or was destitute (that won't likely happen) or any harm came to her. I really wouldn't.

The legal stuff? It's a pain in the neck. It really is. But it'll pass. And it could be worse. Several co-workers were at a funeral today for a 14 yr old that died suddenly after flu-like symptoms. Matter of days. My problems are really insignificant if you put it in perspective. Insignificant but annoying.

Peace,

AJ