H still living in home but cheating

[abbey1989]

Sad morning...

Was awake ALL night. I can't stop picturing them together and the lies that he has told me.

I love and miss my husband's heart. He may or may not be struggling with this as well. I think I need to stay off of the computer because it seems to get me into trouble. Honestly, if I needed a second career, I now have some pretty decent P.I. skills. ugh.

What is hard about all of this is the uncertainty about my/our future. I worry so much about our kids and if we were to split how it would effect them. Should I just roll with the punches and act "as if"? I think I need depression meds.

[abbey1989]

Question:

What would you do in my situation?

I was thinking I could let H casually know that I know that OW works at my college. I could casually ask...."so how is OW's new house project coming along?" Make him squirm since I found that his name is the contact on a few of the permits.

Last March, around this time when I saw an email on his computer (I wasn't even snooping....I was working on some marketing materials for him) regarding OW's house, that was the last time I asked him flat out....ARE YOU BUILDING HER HOUSE? DO YOU STILL SEE HER? He denied, and said that if he was building her house I would know about it because I do all of the paperwork/billing. He is probably just consulting with her.
Again, he accused me of being distrustful and that I always think something is "going on".

He doesn't know that I know that he is involved with the project. Just confirmed that on Monday when I looked at public permitting records.

OR...

I could ask how is his friend (OW) doing? Do they still speak? How is her new house coming along?

OR...

I could keep my mouth shut and carry on?

Do you feel it is lying when a H withholds information? He knows I would be upset if he thought that I knew he was still seeing her (for whatever reason). But the fact that he left that message for her on my cell phone by accident, saying "hey babe, I'm at xyz school down near the cafeteria", it kind of ties it all together doesn't it?

What would you do?

[sandycay]

I personally don't believe in passive agressive approaches... what are you trying to bait him into? You know what he is doing

You need to decide your tolerant level of that and continuing behavior.

Are you still intimate with him?

For me personally I would just tell him what I know. But that is me and my personality. I would never stand for my H to be involved with someone and look the other way. There are DB techniques to handle that. IT seems this has been an issue for quite some time.

What is your fear?

[abbey1989]

Hi Sandycay,

This has been an issue....I have always had that little twinge in the back of my mind that something was going on. Something wasn't adding up. The first time I approached H about this, 2 years ago on 2/15, I was a physical and mental wreck. I confronted in completely the wrong way. I told him "we have to talk" so he knew it wasn't going to be a nice conversation. I asked him about the house that we were supposed to build for the then H & W (now supposed OW). We worked so hard getting that project going, then she up and left her H. The husband decided to continue to build his house, but my H dropped out of the project and referred another builder. AFTER ALL OF THAT WORK. 9 MONTHS OF PREPARATIONS.

That is when my intuition kicked in and I realized that my H was probably having an A with client's wife. My H DENIED vehemently that nothing was going on and that he had nothing to do with the breakup of their marrige. Uh-huh!

The next time I confronted, last year in March, also not the best confronting tactic chosen, after finding the email about OW's own new house project, he just said "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT". Really? The architect contacted him via his email and he played clueless. He must think I am a complete moron.

So now here I am...two years later...same bat place...same bat story. But now I know via public records relating to her construction project that my H has some involvement in it. He has never once talked about it. Then the phone call...

He is actually very nice to me. Polite. Friendly. Not super amorous, but we are still intimate. (I know, I need to be careful!).

I am scared to bring this up again. The last two times, I was sure by his reaction that it would be the end of my marriage. I just wish I knew what his plans are. Should I keep being the faithful forgiving wife and pretend that our "perfect family" is still perfect?

This flat out bites.

[abbey1989]

I am afraid I will never trust again. Not only him....BUT ANYONE.

[abbey1989]

So while I was working in the office tonight (our business paperwork)....he was working too....

I played this playlist on itunes (maybe he got the hint?)
You'll Think of Me (Keith Urban)
All I Want (Toad the Wet Sprocket)
Both Sides Now (Joni Mitchell)
Strong Enough (Sheryl Crow)
Reasons Why (Nickel Creek)
Broken (Lifehouse)
The First Cut is the Deepest (Sheryl Crow)
Almost Honest (Josh Kelley)

I wore a really nice new dress today, even a stranger at the grocery told me that I looked pretty. My H didn't even notice. Or if he did, he didn't care.

I foolishly asked about fooling around this a.m. and he had to leave for a meeting so he said tonight for sure. We made it a "date". Right now he is snoring in our bed.....and just prior to falling asleep he said he had a stomach ache.
whatever....while he is sleeping I think I'll head to the gym. He'll never miss me.

[Starsky309]

. . . but we are still intimate. (I know, I need to be careful!).

And yet, you're not:

I foolishly asked about fooling around this a.m. and he had to leave for a meeting so he said tonight for sure.

WHY does he keep doing this to you? Because he can.


Starsky

[abbey1989]

I know. Like I said. I am a MESS! I feel like being intimate is my one way to stay close to H. When it goes a few days or more I start to feel more lost and alone.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am any more. I used to be strong and self confident.

For me, knowing about H and the A makes me feel like I'm not worthy, not good enough, not interesting enough or pretty enough much less sexy enough. And I know, I need to get it together because I AM all of those things.

It is a BEAUTIFUL morning in Southern California. Headed to Santa Barbara for the weekend with H to see son in college.

Strategy for the weekend: Keep my mouth shut about what I know about OW. Be cheerful and suggest we do some active things together like a hike or beach walk. Start a new book.

[abbey1989]

A new day.
Had a wonderful trip to SB. We spent time as a family and also H and I did an amazing hike in Montecito. We enjoyed each other's company and chatted about this and that.

D17 made decision about college for the fall. We will be empty nesters all too soon. That scares me.

Going to try to be positive today and smile more.

[luvless]

Hey Abbey,

I'm so sorry you are here and going through this. I am a year out of my hell but I feel you

What part of So Cal are you from? Im in LA

Luv