Shine on you crazy diamond III

[FellOnBlackDays]

BITS,
The sad part is that in my heart, I know that what each of you has said to me is correct and the best thing for me. I really do and I really appreciate the sentiments and support. It is just hard. Not that I need to tell any of you here that information. We have all walked this road at some point or are still walking it now.

I guess I shouldn't have sent the text. But, I didn't want the day to go by without trying to be "nice" to her. I was told to give this a try by my coach and I am now 0 for 2.

Here is where I am going wrong and I do know it. I want reciprocity for my actions. When she texts me, I respond. When she needs stuff from the house, needs money, needs anything, I respond because that is the right thing to do as her husband. It is also the right thing to do via the DB'ing principles. But when the tables are turned, she will not do the same. She was the one that stated she hoped we could be friends when this was over. Is this how you treat a friend? I am being as "friend-like" as possible. And, most importantly, it comes down to common courtesy. I am a southern gentleman. I believe in calling strangers and my elders "sir" and "ma'am," I hold doors for people and I always apologize if I bump into someone in a crowd. So, I don't think it is too much to ask to show your partner of 15 years some common courtesy. But, maybe that is where I am wrong and setting myself up for failure...

The fact of the matter is that I am damned if I do and I damned if I don't. A lack of communication was one of our biggest problems when we were married. She complained about that constantly. So, after talking with my coach and months of going dark, she advised me to slightly step up the communication. Well, that is not going so well. Going dark only caused her to go darker. Trying to communicate is not working either.

Folks, I know my W pretty well. If I had to bet a large sum of money, she is still punishing me. Apparently she can only put that punishment phase aside when she is standing in front of me. There she is nice as pie and cries as she asks about me. But, behind the "electronic wall" of email and texting, she is still a cold-hearted individual with an agenda that is not going to be a good thing for FOBD.

This past Saturday was the six month anniversary of her leaving. In my state, a couple with no kids can skip the LS and move straight to the D and it is instant as soon as the judge signs the papers. Now we are in a new territory. Each knock at the door is going to bring me some dread as I will have to look out the peephole wondering if a city constable is standing on my doorstep. Maybe I should beat her to the punch... Does that sound "messed up?" Sure it does. But each day I come here and have people tell me that I need to do what is best for me. Well, the last couple of weeks the following thought has crossed my mind quite a bit: "Maybe what is best for me is for this entire thing to be over and for me to move on." I miss her. I love her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But, I don't deserve to be tortured or made to feel badly daily by someone I love. If I was TRULY being "good to myself" and TRULY "taking care of me," I would be down at the courthouse right now. But, I will wait. I owe my marriage more than 6 months of trying and waiting. I really do.

I will spend this week focusing on my family and my brother's wedding. They are the ones that truly deserve my attention and affection. She can continue to "stew in her hate" without me for now.

FOBD