Sparks, it sounds like you are doing a great job w/ your S! That first illness in your first child is tough no matter how much you expect it. Don't get me started on ear infections...ugh!
You're still better off venting here than trying to explain to W how her actions are affecting everything. The fog WAS are in seems to be impervious to logic, though I think they do understand somewhere inside. Just work on being the best you that you can be and it should show through to your W.
Thanks, LP. I am doing my best with my S. I love him very much and want to give him everything I have.
I know venting here is the only way to go. Explaining this to her right now will go nowhere fast and probably do more harm than good. I will stick with my plan and take care of myself.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Couples therapy tonight with no agenda to my knowledge. I desperately do not want to spend the entire time talking about 50/50 co-parenting tonight. Have not heard from my W concerning the desire to talk to a parenting coordinator since we talked about it last week.
Should I bring up our R conversation that we had for a few hours after couples therapy last week?
Would it be harmful to talk about her not having any idea how to self discover after the separation? Would it be harmful to discuss how I would not be supportive of contact with the OW during this time?
I spoke to my therapist last night about it, and he seemed to believe that my expectation is not unreasonable, as it would be harmful to bring in OW while trying to figure out our marriage and wife's needs.
Help me out. I know that I should not be mentioning the OW, as this really is up to my W in the end, but is it okay to discuss in couples therapy?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Couples therapy update. No co-parenting talk!! YAY!
No agenda, so we began to talk about some of the communication from last week when we got beers. Both agreed to was positive communication.
W asked me what I thought self discovery meant while we were separated. I told her I didn't know. I said this would be a good time to read, meditate, talk with your therapist, just have some good alone time to think about your life.
She had other ideas. She said that she is planning on meeting with some gay support groups, meet up with gay friends, and go to gay clubs. She wants to go out and experience this lifestyle to see if it is right for her. Ugh. That was a tough pill to swallow, but I told her that I understood. She needs to find who she is.
OW was mentioned. Both couples therapist and myself mentioned that OW coming into picture during this self discovery would be crossing the line. C said it would heavily muddy the waters to what you are trying to accomplish. W said that she has not, but would not promise that it will not happen sometime in the future. She did say that she would tell me if that happens. I told her that contact with the OW would change things on this path we are on. She understood.
In the end, I told her that I did not want her to come back to me if she was not emotionally there. She thanked me for that perspective.
It is going to be difficult to go through my life separated from my W, but I have to accept it and take care of myself. Couples therapist even caught me giving the impression that my taking care of myself was for my wife. I said that was not the impression that I wanted to give. I told her that the changes being made are for me. Whether my W comes back to build our marriage on them is one option. If we divorce, the new me will be for the next woman.
Our therapist tossed out the gem that said that men that go through this experience become awesome spouses to the next woman due to the situation and changes made. Thought it was great for my W to hear that. Therapist also mentioned that she has also seen huge improvements in marriages after this sort of thing happens. She said that couples make some great changes and build better foundations. That was also nice to hear.
In the end, positive session. No ground made as for as reconciliation, but we are communicating amazingly. Honest discussions.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Thanks, grr. It was not bad at all. Right now, any communication is good. I have no idea where this will end up, but I know that this site will help put me in a position to walk strong with whatever outcome.
Baby is doing pretty well! He has been fever free and getting over his cold, although his medicine is causing some stomach issues. Fun. Thanks for asking!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
One thing was was omitted from the therapy session was my W reminding us that she was unhappy in our marriage before she ever met the OW or had these feelings.
I reminded her that if our marriage were to reconcile, it would be a new marriage with a new me. I think that was when my therapist chimed in and said this from the above post....
"Our therapist tossed out the gem that said that men that go through this experience become awesome spouses to the next woman due to the situation and changes made. Thought it was great for my W to hear that. Therapist also mentioned that she has also seen huge improvements in marriages after this sort of thing happens. She said that couples make some great changes and build better foundations. That was also nice to hear."
I did slide a little when I expressed that the problems that we were having were not the kind that prompt divorce but were the general ups and downs of a marriage. W was not sure about that, because to her, they were major problems in hindsight. I told my W that our marriage had some great times as well. W was not as sure. This is probably just the fog of the WAS. I understand it, and probably should not have gone there.
So now, I get going with my GAL during this separation. Bite the bullet with the idea of my W joining lesbian support groups, going out with gay friends, and going out to gay clubs. Crazy to think about, but I need to worry about me and me only. Just glad the communication is finally there. I do know that was a trouble spot before all of this happened, so it is a bit of a 180 for both W and me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Quiet day today. W sent me home yesterday with some soiled clothes from daycare to wash (she has no washer at her apartment). She said that she could pick them up at 6:45 this morning or I could drop them at the front door. I told her that I would wake up early and give them to her. I told her that I missed our S and wanted to give him a kiss on the way to daycare. She made it over at 6:45. She made coffee. I spent 5 minutes with our S and then she was off.
W came back over at 5:00 to drop S off. Dad's night! He is feeling tons better, so we went on a 2 mile walk with him strapped in the Baby Bjorn carrier around our hiking trails. He loves going on these walks. I do, too. Plus, it is good exercise for me running around with a 19 pound weight strapped to my chest. We got home just in time for his bedtime routine. S has been asleep for about an hour now.
Had a chance to come to some peace on our walk concerning my wife's self discovery. In the end, I pray that she finds what she needs. If it is with me, I welcome a new improved M and solid family base for our S. If not, I will be in a better place to move on.
I keep telling myself this. It is tough, because I love her immensly. It is because I love her so much, that I am willing to let her go if I can't fulfill her needs.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Hey Sparks - if it comes up again, I wouldn't dismiss her claims that marriage had issues. Clearly, in her world it did and you are trying to show her that you're a better listener/better spouse. Careful not to backslide - maybe you didn't see major issues, but she was struggling and in her reality there were.
the new you should know, nothing pisses a woman off more than telling her that her feelings are wrong. No surer way to start a fight, though, than to bring it up again later and try to explain yourself. That's why I say, if it comes up, maybe apologize without much convo about why you disagree.
Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible. --Stanislaw Lem
Hey Sparks - if it comes up again, I wouldn't dismiss her claims that marriage had issues. Clearly, in her world it did and you are trying to show her that you're a better listener/better spouse. Careful not to backslide - maybe you didn't see major issues, but she was struggling and in her reality there were.
the new you should know, nothing pisses a woman off more than telling her that her feelings are wrong. No surer way to start a fight, though, than to bring it up again later and try to explain yourself. That's why I say, if it comes up, maybe apologize without much convo about why you disagree.
I totally agree, AJ. Although, it is so difficult to hear her dismiss our M like this. Sure we had our struggles, but we have had some amazing times together as well. She is acting so blind to them right now. She tells me that our relationship was bad from the first six months, and she thinks the only reason she got married and had a child was that it was what she was supposed to do. I know this is not the truth, and it makes me sick to think that these are her feelings right now. She then told me that she would never in her life change the decision to have a child, as our S is so important to her. That was great to hear, but I never saw us making te choice to have a child as a careless decision. My W and I were really at a point where the love and committment for each other decided that it was the right time to begin trying.
I will take your advice and keep validating, though. I do think that is very important. This is a behavior that I began with couples therapy a year ago. I have been doing it a ton lately as well. During our last session, my W stopped and told me that I didn't need to keep validating her feelings. She thought that it came off so unnatural. My therapist told my W what she couldn't see from where she was sitting with her head down listening. Our therapist told my W that she sees a person trying very hard and actively listening. That the look in my eyes and the concentration during each validation seemed as though I was truly working on listening to my W. That this is a behavior that is truly positive.
I will keep working on it until it becomes the most natural thing for me to do. As long as I stay consistent with all of my 180s, I think they will all become second nature. I think that is the point where I know that I truly am an improved person that is learning from this experience.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Ugh. I have gotten myself in a rut tonight, and it has been a hard one for me to get out of. Feeling pretty lonely right now.
I went into the office today where I usually work from home, so I guess it started when I pulled up to the empty house. That is usually when I have been the most emotional.
W has S tonight and tomorrow night. I have been trying to give space and working on detaching, so I have not tried to call or text today.
I asked my W yesterday to start thinking of a day that she would like to have our weekly dinner. I desperately want to send her a simple text right now, "dinner tomorrow night?". In the end, I know that would be counter-productive. I have mentioned it to her. She knows that it is on my mind. I should allow her to come to me when she has her answer.
Just having a really hard time dealing with the separation from my W and S right now. I miss them both, terribly. I also know that detachment is probably the right way to go. Difficult.
I am going out with the guys tomorrow night, so that should help. I hope.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
the new you should know, nothing pisses a woman off more than telling her that her feelings are wrong. No surer way to start a fight, though, than to bring it up again later and try to explain yourself. That's why I say, if it comes up, maybe apologize without much convo about why you disagree.